the cat has fallen. the situation is at a loss.

into dreamfall

2026-04-02T23:01:23Z

two days til i'm heading to alabamy aaaa its fine its going to be fine

thank you everyone who's been very generous to us lately. finances are still pretty tight but i'm at least not worried that i'll be overdrawn for buying an overpriced airport meal if i must or somethin like that. means a lot.

mostly still doing a demon sushi facelift lately!
-i mean to replace the map on the characters page with something even less coherant and more stringmap soon, dont worry
-recovering writing like the pokemon fanfic from when i was 16 (now half hapazardly spellchecked! lmfao) and my old ff7 fanfiction has rekindled a lot of inspiration and affection for old ideas i'm enthused. i at LEAST want to edit and clean up the old ff7 college fanfic, which is not even there yet gosh

inhuman news

printing for arc 6 is delayed while i research printers and care for family, old printer closed domestic small orders cuz of tariffs a while back. i am doing my best to get the high res files of the art uploaded to itchio but they are so big it is taking a very long time to upload and my time is r u n n i n g o u t .... BOO!

april fools was only a half joke - when i'm back i plan to build a fourth wall mailsot and archive. not on tumblr this time lmfao just on a site.

also intending to split hekshano.com and inhuman apart, into dif websites. maybe im just delaying fixing inhumans site code, maybe NOT. let's see if i remember that when i get back in 2 weeks as well.

i might!! my webbed site made an impression w one of the founders of uh, streaming horror service found.tv without even meaning to!! it was a happy mistake!!! i accidentally got emailed instead of an intended business recipient (i sent a question about koji shiraishi films)& let em know cuz it seemed important- next thing i know im getting complimented on my site and asked if i wanna join an artist roster lmfao hey maybe when i get a handle on whats goin on with my dad i guess!! very nice ppl with great taste in horror genres if i DO say so MYSELF hahaahaha

closing in on the end of Dreamfall which is the 3rd cat book by joan d vinge. have i at this point written her fanmail i am assured will reach her by her spouse? yes. am i still really fixated on this character as if ive known him and been away from him my whole life? yes. is this incredibly pulpy and probably a shallow coping mechanism? i dunno youll have to read Catspaw and tell me wont you

cant have MY copy tho, im taking it with me to bama.

watched little shop of horrors w alph last night and we could hardly believe rick moranis is 33 there. like jeez hes my dads age and im older than he is in this movie weehoo brain does a loop de loop how weird the meat only moves one direction in time

ren is snoring, sky is raining, files uploading...
see you when i see you

comments

lets go again

2026-03-29T23:21:59Z

its official - i'm heading down on the 4th of this coming month.

it really could not come soon enough for my poor stepmom. her phone is crashing and failing and running out of data and im just like jesus no wonder youre having panic attacks

i spent the last mmm 18 or so hours? scouring livejournal entries from 2003-2005 for a singular piece of writing on the hopes i had one time shared it. no luck, but it was a fun if slow loading trip down memory lane to things 20 years on. stuff i know ought to bring me like insufferable pain to read but instead i'm distanced from as a person and am like ah well, there were some good times after all.

but also wow there were some bad times lmfao. not only did i learn i was basically picking up my life and moving it around every 3-4 months with no clear idea of where it was going to land, which explains why that's a repeating nightmare even to this day, but some VERY SPECIFIC real traumas happened that i revisit in nightmares and/or family deny happened to this day and im just like damn. daMN. no WONDER i keep dreaming i walked into the mail room at school only to be told you are not a student here anymore oneday for no reason but a clerical error. it -happened-. no WONDER i think my moms a transphobe, shes been gross about it a LONG time theres GOOD REASON i have to mistrust her. no WONDER i feel like the family always blames me but also demands i should fix everything, i was their first suspect when someone else stole a credit card and all i wanted was to leave and draw and make little websites and build a MUD!!! a lot of trauma i guess i just kept on burying, burying, burying, being like nope move forward. nope move forward. another time, move forward.

i mean i guess i dont regret how i got here but it feels very weird to have a bill you made yourself forget come due 20 years on.

there's good reason for crap like that to stay locked tho - edgelord teen language of the 90s doesnt age well and honestly if you arent looking closely for the context of 'displaced and treated like an animal at home, very alone in the world still trying to figure out himself queer' you just see a lot of shouting out friends, moving around, buying shit off ebay and getting overwhelmed when people start asking more of me than i wanna give as i dash from project to project.

some of the projects were fun tho - there was a clique/webring 'powered by mako' that i would totally revive.

and in digging through all this stuff, i also finally found my ff7 fanfiction i'd thought was gone forever!! some of it even passes muster!!

so anyway, my failed search for the piece of writing i did about a nonbinary narrator being attacked by hallucinogenic clams from 2004 is sadly lost media. i cannot say im shocked!! the number of power failures and hard drive failures and just plain unwise things done to my computer (mom made me mail it to school! a tower pc!!!! and i had to pay for it out of pocket so im sure i cheaped on the packing and then it got a huge dent,) its a miracle anything at all i wrote back then survived.

but shockingly, a lot did. and some of it i still kinda like.
so i threw some of em online, might throw some more later, still debating.

if this looks like a busywork project to stop myself from worrying about the fact that in 4 days i'm leaving for alabama and my father who is in very poor health and has yet to consult oncology about chemo. that is because. it is.

in those old entries was seeing my grandfather over 20 years ago begin this similar decline, and how it bothered me then. i survived it then, and he was less a man than my father. i am sure i can survive it again. but i may need to do a lot of bouncing between the north and south east coast and ...well, now i at least know why this makes my stomach knot. it reminds me of an unstable time. a time where people crowded me for attention i didn't want, where i wanted only to create and create and drink through the pain of figuring myself out hoping i'd wake up one day metamorphosed like a bug. fair. but a lot of wasted time. so i can see why i dont like feeling as if i'm sliding back into that survival mindset. even though a survival mindset is what it is.

also back in those lj entries i realized that going viral back then meant you got ...like. 20 interactions or so. and it DID feel OVERWHELMING to get!! because it wouldnt be 20 people you knew!!! some of them might be really mean!! i dont think the numbers games of platforms like the (now embracing AI) bsky or twitter or fb like to play are good for us.

its also i think why i prefer the fediverse. the numerics are about the same, and the sensation of them is the same. and theres really not an advertiser leaning over your shoulder asking for a 9-20% cut

whats also funny to me is that for entries in a journal over 20 years old, some friends are still around. we all trans as hell now lmfao and busy, and tired, and sickly, and poor. but ride or die, babes. womb to tomb, birth to earth.

-so-
i'm just touching up demon sushi before i leave, is what i keep telling myself. just giving it a little facelift before i go. just a little touching up for webrings and the graphics and maybe a little hub for OCs and oh i absolutely must add a No AI disclaimer, and some fun new 88x31 buttons... absurd that furcadia hasnt got one tho let me tell you

renjamin just got her arthritis shot, but is down about half a lb. shes usually around 6, 6.5 lbs and i really worry my prolonged absence will get her sick. it's been decades since we've been apart more than a few days!!!!! luna seems fine, bossy about the return of spring and excited for bird watching and being fed blades of wheat grass. audrey is still a pisspot...tho has fewer accidents if we follow her rules of tidiniess. and as long as i make sure to spend a couple hours reading at her side.

i'm still reading through the cat series by joan d. vinge - just about to pick up dreamfall. catspaw has been super integral to my trashy sad mind in this trying time so i packed it in my luggage. the bag is heavy, and i'm no longer young. my elbow hurts and needs an ace banadage.

but i did swear i'd write ms. vinge a fanletter, now i know i have a line of communication. she's also aging, and i feel its a crime i didnt meet her work before now. and if i waste any more time, i may miss my chance... RIP comic artist and major inspiration Sam Kieth.

well. what ive been round and round and forgot to say is - i wont have a PC in alabama this time. for the first time ever, i think. i have a keyboard, i have my ipad for drawing, and i have a phone. i haven't got a running laptop anymore, having salvaged parts out of em to sell and reuse for many years now. so i won't have access to a lot of things i use to ..make stuff. but i can draw, and i can type.

i think i should still have access to dreamwidth and other websites though - i dont THINK alabama has implimented any laws that shutter out smaller social networks and gallery sites. yet. hahahaha haaaaaa fuk

know what else i noticed? though i used to write a lot of journal entries - sometimes even 3 in a day! - they were usually short. nowhere near as long as i'm going here. i guess that's also age. you sit with your thoughts for a while longer before you get the opportunity to spread them all out and pick through them. take your sweet time, because aint anybody offering you more of it.

i sure do wish i coulda found that silly story about clams, though.

love ya dear reader
hang in there.

comments

tab tab tab

2026-03-15T17:49:32Z

been a while since an update. hey, did you know you can hit tab to move from interactive item to interactive item on a webpage? this is entirely irrelevent unless you happen to find yourself in a situation without a mouse. or when you're really tired and dont want to reach for the mouse. anyway,

my dad is still in the hospital, now having done 3 rounds in the operating room and 2 weeks in the ICU. it's... been weighing a lot on me, the obsessive anxious thoughts not letting me focus easily on anything else. since there's no clear timeline on when he's to return home (or often no clear word on how his health is) i don't know if i'm leaving in a week, a day, two weeks, a month...... etc.

so i just have my bags packed, ready to go, and am just kind of sitting waiting for the word.

right now though he's stuck in the hospital recovery area after the latest surgical visit. something about insurance not wanting to send him back to the physical rehab yet. classic american medical situation. since i haven't been able to talk with any medical staff directly, i can only really guess what's going on from second hand knowledge via people who aren't as deeply entrenched in medicine talk as i have been all my life.

i -think- this third surgery was to drain a cyst that was forming near the tear in his intestine that happened following the tumor removal. the tear itself was why he spent 2 weeks in the ICU, basically going septic slowly. the second surgery was to clean him out and close it up. but again, i really don't know for sure. i'm really guessing.

as pop told me when i asked him what the latest word from the doc was, "Ah, i'm like a mushroom. Eatin shit in the dark." - very real rn.

so i've been struggling to stay on top of my own tasks. some nights i've had to break a corner off a benzodiazapine to get some sleep instead of lie there with my anxious thoughts all night. most nights i just try to work my body to exhaustion so i don't even have the luxury of thought. but all bills come due, you always gotta pay the piper.

in spite of all that i finally have a cleaned up hi rez draft of inhuman arc 6. i finished it last night! now i need to go through making a web rez version to hand to editorial peers and see how it hangs together. arc 6 was, as tvtropes called it, a xanatos pile-up. there were like 3 shady conspiracies that all interlocked in this arc and because i was writing it week to week instead of all at once, i often would re-tread data i had already explained by accident OR completely forget to finish up a thought i'd been introducing on the next page. i think this version is much more cohesive.

my own health is still mewehhh ehhhh ehhhhh,,, finally got the word back on the infection on my scalp and it's regular plain old common killed-by-everything-really staph auerus. why do i still have it after like six months? well, because in spite of my denial feelings, thatd be because i'm immune compromised from my own cancer trials. BOO AND HISS. but knowing it's regular old staph aureus means i can just redouble efforts to scrub my scalp more than once a day with soaps and shamps and tea tree oil and benzoil peroxide - all of which slowly shrink inflammation and make an inhospitable environ for this common skin bacteria to behave uncommonly.

the plus side is nobody with a functioning immune system will catch this from me. i think unless i rubbed my head directly on a surgical wound, nothing would happen even to immunecomp people.

got my ass the pneumonia vaccine for whenever i go to help my dad. essentially the vax is for a very specific form of viral pneumonia that (again) affects mostly immunecomp and elderly people. usually it's advised you get it around the holidays (along with an RSV vax) to keep elderly fam safe. but in my case it's to keep my COPD father and stepmom from getting sick. again. pop was already in the hospital for a week with pneumonia last year.

soooo that's where we're at i guess. a very anxious holding pattern for travel. it means i'm not sure if i'll be able to attend FCL, not sure if i can see dermatology (who finally returned my calls after...two months) not sure what the hell i'm doing really. my sister has basically noped out of this entire situation, so besides the step family down in alabama the only ones on deck to help are me and my uncle. i'm sure if she was still alive my aunt would join us, but her loss makes all of us that much more anxious. my uncle being the oldest, my aunt had been the youngest - i really can't imagine the kind of inner upset he must be going through thinking that he might have to say goodbye to BOTH of his younger siblings before him. so we've been trying to touch base regularly. i hate the phone, i REALLY hate the phone, but it seems to help everyone else to hear my voice. so i use the phone.

still reading (or rather, re-reading) catspaw by Joan d. Vinge - and i am still completely obsessed with this character. sometimes i guess something you've waited for your whole life shows up when you need it most, and that's kinda how i feel about this book. i also read its prequel Psion (kinda mid, earlier work with clunkier pacing and character development) and have the sequel Dreamfall on hand for when i'm ready. i hear dreamfall is a downer. EXACTLY the kind of literature i want right now.

most of the snow is melting, and i've gone back to feeding the birds in the yard so i can hear their voices. the trails in the woods still have a few inches of snow over them so i haven't got out there yet. the scooter still needs maintanence so it hasn't been on the road yet either. still very cold at night.

anyway... that's the situation right now. i'm still doing my best to try to draw the art people have asked of me and to keep in contact, but it's really difficult sometimes to even find the energy to talk to another person via text. hell, i haven't even been regularly on ffxiv to take care of digital gardens.

but this banana syrup they added to the dunkin donuts menu is pretty great. just keep pouring this in my coffee and i'll keep denying i'm under any stress with the poker face of kings.

i'll ideally have more info on the hirez arc6 soon. but i really don't know week to week what's coming my way. that's why there's two weeks of packed clothing, toiletries, medicine and entertainment just lying on the bedroom floor in a bag rn.

hang in there. i will be.

comments

and no listening

2026-02-24T20:56:43Z

happy agent cooper arriving in the town of twin peaks day?

it was a very very touch and go couple days for my father in the hospital. the tumor was removed, but then there was a hole in the intestine that was not fully sealed which lead to him beginning to go septic. he was not doing good at all. didn't know what day it was, was asking for things that didnt make sense. once they brought him back into the OR the second time, it took him a long long time to wake up. for those not super medically literate reading, sepsis is deadly. we're really very fortunate that he was taken back in when he was and i only wish he'd been taken back in SOONER because he was in unimaginable pain. pain that IV administered prescription only pain killers were not touching.

so i haven't had a lot of rest myself.

there was a moment there right before the blizzard was hitting but before he was taken back into the OR where i was trying to swallow the knowledge that i might very well be trapped in new england regardless of if i could afford to fly to alabama where he is, and that he might die without me being there. did not like that. did not feel great sitting with that.

but yesterday he was able to eat soft solids and was lucid, and attentive, watching the weather channel on hospital tv. i talked to him only briefly - 43 seconds on my phone's timer - before he felt exhausted and wanted to rest. i dont wonder why. he just spent three days at death's door. but it's a relief to hear hes' doing better in terms of surgical recovery.

the pathology report came in yesterday for him but i'm missing some pages. i think it's likely a stage 1 cancer based on what i did have to read. i didn't see any notes on lymph node biopsies, and research was showing me that they need something like 17 nodes in colorectal cancer to say they've successfully confirmed no sign in the lymphatic system. because of this i think the doctor is advising they treat it as a stage 2 cancer and still go through with chemotherapy out of an abundance of caution. i understand this logic for sure. i was offered a chance to be less aggressive in treating my (stage 3) cancer, and i said no way - go big or go home. not that this is what anyone WANTED, but it being a low stage cancer is a relief to me personally. cis men have a tendency to avoid healthcare until it's past the point of no return, and i was very afraid that's what they were going to find happened to my dad.

the last few days i've been struggling to catch up on rest and banish the exhaustion migraine that came with it. even though i thought i was sleeping at night, i can only guess i wasn't getting real rest. stress is a beast.

my own health... no change. finished a second course of antibiotics only to have the skin issue still flare up towards the tail end. so... next step is to go see a specialist in dermatology. my guess is they'll take a skin sample to biopsy and see if they can learn anything.

i haven't been able to get much work done through all this. so i'm really stressed over money. but theres really not much for that other than to try to work as best i can.

it has made me think i ought to raise my livestream prices, however. while there are some people for whom i feel the current price is more than fair (20$ usd into zloty is a lot, for example!) there are some who really continue to treat it like a drive-thru fast food joint. no concern for me, or my father. just want the maximum drawing effort for the minimum pay. and i really do not want to deal with that, especially when it's clear that they don't even care if i literally have a parent at death's door. all i can think is raising the sticker price might discourage them from appearing at all. or it might just be a repeat of what happened when i had cancer where literally all my support vanishes because ew icky you're struggling that's a DOWNER

also had someone similarly inappropriately asking me how i was - and i would tell them how touch and go it was with my dad's surgical recovery - and they would immediately ignore that and ask me for money.

i think the problem is that when i try to be kind and share what little i have with as many people as i can, trash people show up and take advantage. and it leaves me feeling like i lack any humanity in anyone else's eyes. which is not a good place to be mentally when already under a lot of stress from my own health issues and my father's.

otherwise, things are fine i guess. a lot of snow. more snow coming. alph and i went to a midevil night market at a local apple orchard for valentines and it was really cool. i brought home a skunk pelt, the closest i will ever get to having a pet skunk probably.

finished playing apollo justice! it really was a better game over-all than the 3rd phoenix wright. while there were some good cases in PW3 there were also some REAL stinkers and some BAD writing stuffed in where they thought no one would notice it as pure filler. but apollo justice was overall just an improvement in consistantly good, clever and intruiging mysteries that were written well. i do feel like character designs were a little less inspired, but it's hard to top some of the early PW designs. the only real gripe i can say i have with apollo justice is that prosecuter klavier looks like he's an adult constantly hitting on children, bending over and referring to 14yo trucy as frauline. but i liked him much more on the musical stage than behind the bar. really tho phoenix running around in the background in slides and a track jacket and beanie causing problems for apollo and being a regular at the hospital was great. he was so happy. he was so free. let phoenix stay out of law. :( alas i hear that is not allowed. hacked 3ds has the next game (dual destinies) loaded up ready to go, i just need to feel cognitively back together again after everything else.

ah there was also a whole thing where alph's boss was overstepping her authority n threatening to fire him for .... taking sick time he had available with doctor notes during a back injury. she is still trying to do it, but the independant authority for longer term sick leave approved all his doctor documentation as valid so if she continues to push her opinion that it is not (this woman runs the post office like donald trump istg) she can enjoy it being taken up the ladder. she's already in a fight not just with the rural postal carrier union but also the city postal carrier union and ALSO the clerk postal carrier union for her disregard of employment contracts. and gee wouldnt you know, it seems like the two queer postal employees are the one she directs the most of her ire and hostility and threats towards! isnt living in the usa such fun right now.

well. my scalp behind my right ear is swollen and incredibly painful so i guess i should go apply a warm compress. i guess whatever it is is not bacterial and that's all we know right now. ha h a ha watch it be a second cancer like leukemia or something tho. that would just be the story of my life.

later

comments

it's an honest month

2026-02-12T17:24:24Z

hey folk, told myself i'd do an update so here i am.

bad news first - the situation with my dad is that he's been diagnosed with colon cancer. we don't know the stage yet, but he's got surgery on the 18th and chemotherapy will follow once he's healed. this isn't something i ever wanted my father to experience, it isn't something i want anyone to experience except maybe the true worst of the worst on earth. he's frightened and anxious, the future is uncertain and scary, and there is nothing to be done except for me to tell him i trod this path before and survived and so i will keep encouraging him to do the same. but he's also 29 years my senior and i'm not exactly youthful anymore myself. so it's a lot, it's weighing on me significantly.

less downer news:
ive uploaded my ANE photos to both a kofi gallery and furtrack.

i'm finally cured of what i had for the last several months and whatever it weakened me to allowing in. can't tell what microorganism tried to take me out, but tested neg for: covid, strept throat, MRSA and mono. but you can get a sense of symptoms from those suspects.

for the first time in MANY years, i was able to participate in Hourly Comics Day on feb 8th. compiled those into a pdf for anyone who missed them coming out live.

i also tore apart and reconstructed my art studio room, which took about five hours and destroyed my back. i really want to build myself a wall-attached desk, but that's not likely to happen in the middle of winter. i like to use the deck out back to cut wood and it's currently under about three feet of packed snow. little hard to set up sawhorses.

i did repair my magnetic inclining drawing table, which after about ten years keeps losing bolts and screws. well everything is nice and stable once more. if only i could get the cats to stop insisting i put a bed there, i could uh. work on it again lmfao

i also keep eyeing organizers on aliexpress, since i bought and built one and its replaced two mugs full of pens. but i dont have the money to sink into that right now. unless...?

the sticker club mail for feb has officially gone out, and the print club will be not far behind. i just need to pick up some more valentines first. of course i'm sending everyone a valentine too, what's the point of having addresses if i dont use them for good??

it looks like patreon has FINALLY unblocked postybirb, meaning maybe 2026 will be the year i dust it off and try to make it work for me again. it's fallen so, so far from what it once was and that's entirely from greed in the higher ups. they wanted to be pro llm very early and very early everyone on the platform very loudly was like NO FUCKING WAY. their interface for the back end is as ever slow and buggy. but at least it lets me post to it without having to go out of my way to use their website (or god forbid their app) now.

i watched the new silent hill movie return to silent hill and lemme tell ya, it's terrible. i mean it's just bad on its own as a stand alone horror film, a very weak and poor cgi infused linear jacob's ladder (which if you know silent hill, jacob's ladder was an original inspo anyway, so we're full circle now) but when you place RtSH next to SH2, the game it's trying to create a film version of, it gets even worse lmfao. it's hard to explain to folks who havent played the game, but the protag is a very unreliable narrator who has no sense of his own responsibility and let selfishness lead him to horror. RtSH takes this same protag and very loudly says "HE NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG, EVER" which cracks me up because its like who wrote this??? did the protag himself write this??? a movie about james sunderland by james sunderland??

if you DO know the game meta, you might be wondering exactly how the FUCK they did that. well it's really easy. just throw mary under the bus. voila. YEP THEY DID THAT.

all this was driving me delightedly up a wall in that 'cant look away from this trainwreck' way, and THEN i got my hands on a version that WASNT a camrip. and o h my god, yall. oh my god. it was somehow worse when i could see everything clearly. the cgi was worse. the monster makeup was worse. james has a beard that looks like it came straight from spirit halloween for a scene that desperately tries to evoke drama and ethos but just comes off laughable. but most of all, most stunningly of all.... the fog is poorly rendered.

THE FOG IS POORLY RENDERED.
THEY HAD THAT SHIT FIGURED OUT IN PLAYSTATION ONE lmfao and this movie BUNGLES it. the cgi fog stutters and loops its animations, and just looks utterly awful. now if you're maybe focusing your attention exclusively on the cast you might not notice, but when there's numerous panning shots of (cgi) foggy forests and (cgi) foggy streets, with a tiny figure in the center frame, you're GOING to notice it. also james is cast with an incredibly wooden actor and he never puts his hand down a toilet.

lots of peering through cracks tho. i fucking felt like pyramus and thisbe were gonna come out and the wall was about to explain its character to me.

... i've also been watching the 1990s uncut version of hamlet a lot. listen,

so now we reach the downer sandwich part of this again, where i tell you sad things and give you an option to make a difference in them. mostly.

first of all, streamer Crescentfox has passed away very suddenly from brain cancer. his family is raising money for final expenses. they are almost at their goal and any help is appreciated.

secondly, cecil & ryan are struggling as ryan was laid off in the latest AI rush in tech. they and their family of 4 are not sure where their next meal (or pets meals) are coming from. if you can support them, their various cash reception handles are:
$rdewalt / pp&venmo @ ryan-dewalt-2 / ko-fi.com/1024x768

and the zeyada family in gaza are still living in a war zone where "ceasefire" means "bombs still fall" because israel is just as monsterous as the USA.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/wnq38-help-bilal-and-his-family?lang=en_US&ts=1757528828

and if youre in the united states please contact your senator and urge them to reject the SAVE act, which is a blatent voter suppression act which will disenfrance specifically women voters (or anyone who changed their name) and require you to bring a birth certificate and/or passport any time you want to cast a ballot. fucking jim crow laws all over again!!! so yeah, get in their ears about rejecting that: https://www.senate.gov/senators/senators-contact.htm

oh yeah and if you buy domains? stop using namecheap, they're complicit in hiding the genocide of gaza and palestine. i personally use joker these days for handling my domain name registration and renewalls.

and,,, i'm also struggling. but i find it harder and harder to openly ask for any help at all when things grow dire for people around me. but i was sick for about three weeks, and lost out on a not insignificant sum of cash from livestreaming as a result. so... any help is good help.
paypal or cash app or ko-fi or venmo all work. recurring pledges are best done via comradery, kofi and (last and least) patreon.

and as a final note - i'm aware that discord is trying to roll out AI skimming of all chats to moderate as well as facial recognition for age verification. i've never been that big of a fan of discord to begin with since it had no support for rotating your phone to type, but as folks exist in the discord chat and would like to keep it together, i'm researching other platforms to move it too. i am NOT moving it to telegram (nazi adjacent) or matrix (impossible to start/maintain). stoat.chat looks promising but appears to have shut registration for now (at least for gmail and non-standard emails) and there's also programs folks haev suggested like snikket, Fluxer and movim (tho movim isnt launched yet). i'm sure there's also no shortage of unknown chat apps rushing to launch right now as well, but that's not a terrible list to start with. and there is still steam, and if it becomes really necessary IRC is always an option. just give it a lil time to see where everyone settles. the corporations like to make you forget there are other options. they like to make you put all your eggs in one basket. fuck em, go out and find other apps. that's always been the way of the web. an app or forum or chat takes a shit and you all get your friends and move to the next one.

okay thats probably more than enough writing for now. later

oh yeah. ps. i turned 44 on january 28th. old man far outstrips the lifespan he expected to have, film at 11.

comments

44

2026-01-30T19:23:54Z

well i had my bday and im older now! thanks everyone for the wishes, and thank you for the lil gifts too like a snom sticker and art of my sona on a pile of mewtwo cards and a few bux. i admit i gave most of the money to khaled's family but some folk also gave to their fundraiser as a gift to me which i appreciate a lot.

i also finished adding the other additional paintings that didnt find homes at ANE to my shop. dragons, skulls, horse girls and horse boys, an odd little landscape and more. idk check it out and see if something resonates with you and you'd like to give it a home.

janurary sticker & print club mail has gone out and SHOULD be arriving, if it hasnt already. i realize i did a lot of knife related stickers in 2025. i realized too that some parents believe knife related stickers to be child inappropriate. a TOOL? CHILD INAPPROPRIATE? i bet they let them use squirt guns!! anyway this made me decide i'll try to come up with a buncha 'cute' knife designs this year. knocked out a real quick one with oranges and orange slices that looks pretty good on most tshirt colors.

right on to the less cheerful and downright yuck news

finally saw a doctor and ... just in time, as this skin infection is trying to turn into a blood infection. ive kind of been silently fighting it for 2mo hoping itll stop. for a while i assumed it was a natural healing response to my last surgery, but i was misled. after it didnt clear up when the surgeons thought it 'should' it was kind of clear that what i was dealing with was not mild irritation or acne but good ol staph aereus. bio nerds are nodding and cringing here but for the rest of whom might read - this is a bacteria that is sooooo super common in our environment. a lot of humans even carry it without problems (in our noses) BUT its also a very aggressive colonizer. so if it gets in a little cut past the skin's protective barrier it can be very bad. this is also the bacteria that can be MRSA - the antibiotic resistant 'superbug' you may have heard of.

so the doc put me on an antibiotic that would still attack MRSA in case it's resistant, and now i'm just waiting out the clock feeling generally under the weather. because of where the infection is located too (on my neck) if i spike a fever (indicating the infection has entered my blood) i need to go to the ER. i felt a little feverish last night but wasn't going above 98.whatever f and today i feel a bit better so fingers crossed i avoid That.

given what this Really Is and How Long Ive Been Fighting It suddenly it makes sense why my energy has been inconsistant. switched up my meds and energy returned, of course, but then i guess my lymphatic system has been fighting a silent inner battle with this thing and depending on which side was winning i felt crappier or better. bodies, man.

alph's also out of work right now cuz he tweaked his back real bad. maybe going back in next week? i tried to encourage him to listen to the dr and maybe do a little PT but he's averse. he also didnt take any muscle relaxers, i think his plan is just to try to let it heal by not throwing 23523434324234 amazon packages around while slipping and sliding in the snow and ice.

but this means the cats are super, super thrilled because not ONLY are TWO humans home ALL DAY right now but the one that is always refusing to pet them and instead messing with papers and keyboards keeps scratching its neck and looking distressed. perfect opportunity to sit on that human and get pets.

my mom backed (ergo subbing to email, thru no actual consent of her own its just how kofi works) my kofi. well she bought a book ive tried to give her 3x and shes always thrown out?? if youve been here a long time you know our relationship is. fraught. id say she was the earliest type of poser in that shes actually very self-interested, upper-income and immature but considers herself an old, earthly hippie who wised up. but hey dont ask her for 20$ for food, hows she supposed to KNOW youre telling the TRUTH? im going down a rabbit hole here, im really TRYING to work to a place where i can talk to her and accept who she is without exploding in frustration. but ... yeah so. 30 years later. for the first time. my mom is following One Thing i do online. and tbqh it made me a little worried. but if she makes inappropriate public comments i guess ill deal w it. her username is already inappropriate (mommy) but thats,,,,, classic,,,boomer,,,,

because of this i am hesistant to share anything about whats going on w my dads health because he asked me not to share it, but its very worrying and bodes for a hard, painful and uncertain year no matter what the outcome is.

under a couple feet of snow, using space heaters to keep kitchen pipes freezing at night... spring could be here any time and itd be ok with me. same w this infection clearing. any time now, thatd be great

probably write more when im well.

comments

aneEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2026-01-10T19:49:22Z

hey friends

im deep in the tail end of preparing for the yearly big boston furcon, Anthro New England! i'll only be vending for friday, as far as i know, but it's still going to be a lot of fun. i hope i run into some readers!
if youve never been to ANE, this map shows you where i will be on friday. seek me in the green nutsack. or weird green heart, i wasnt really thinking about the implications when i circled two areas close together.

so that's NEXT weekend, the 16th-18th of january 2026.

i've been pulling a lot of late nights preparing. not just for the con, but other things. for example, the 2025 inhuman sketchbook. i scanned every little inhuman related scrap i came up with last year and compiled them together into a 60+ pg pdf. download that here.

i also knocked out a minizine that's been rattling round in my head related to a very specific climate change issue happening in my neighborhood. The Bleeding Trees is messy, anxious and raw. you can download that here.

yesterday was my 6 month followup with oncology - six years of 6 month followups down, four more to go. still nothing new, still looking like i'm in remission. tho the hospital has recently (due to flu) brought back staff masking (YOU SHOULDNT HAVE STOPPED???) and the oncology ward staff are very polarized on this. giving me the same ol BS antimasker whining. oohhh its too hot, ohhh i cant breathe, ohhh no one can hear me. ohhh youre incredibly full of shit get over it all your patients have compromised immune systems and we both know this hospital policy is: mask if you arent vaxxed. so either get vaxxed, mask up, or ideally do both, but if you want to do neither maybe /get out of healthcare/

wow sorry tiny rant there

thing is there was a recent family news bombshell, the real bad kind, with repercussions and implications reaching way way way way way back. dont want to go into details here because its a) dark b) highly triggering and c) sadly, more common than one would think. the tl;dr is my shitty stepbrother has, somehow, been /even shittier/ this entire time. like full on /predator/ shitty. i really need to trust my instincts!!!!!!!! but the news is heavy, and it's def something i feel i can't leave completely unresolved, so its really been whirling in my head. its def made me more...emotional, i guess?

funds are running low because i'm a bleeding heart and when a verified teenager from gaza gets in my DMs asking me to give money, i do. i dont really have any spare money to give but i cant ignore the cries for help??? in the end no one will care or remember, but i feel like its my moral obligation to try to help. it's similar to when in college i gave all my money for travelling to the hiroshima bomb museum to hurricane katrina relief >.> idk though, i maintain spending what i would on a therapy copay on helping war refugees is better for my mental health than a therapist. i feel much more like ive made a step forward this way. even if i'm broke.

dry cold air has had me chewing my right thumb into a nasty bloody mess of shredded skin flakes, i am very ready for winter to be over with. what do you mean its only january

see you after the con babes

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holiday crew

2025-12-27T20:15:34Z

hey folks. how you doing?

i had a pretty good holiday. i got BOGLINS (rubbery ugly puppet monsters) and immediately set about bothering the cats with them. also got a life sized snom (the ice grub pokemon) plush, so now i have a snom sized pillow. hell yea snom collection. i think im only missing sitting cuties snom plush now!

then aelph made a thanksgiving-style dinner and we chilled out watching Bad Guys. it was cute, it's a cute movie. i'd def probably show this to a child over zootopia? even if the blending of flat animation for eyes and eyebrows looks really weird juxtaposed with the 3d animation for the rest of the characters. i think that might just be my personal distaste of 3d cartoons tho, i miss ye olde cell frame animation. still it was very cute. mr snake had a very oscar the grouch vibe, and i do love oscar. oh yeah, i also got really thick warm oscar socks. sweet haul

i'm still working on getting holiday cards out, but because i always think of them as new years cards and not xmas cards im not TOO pressured. was gonna do that today but ehhh wound up shoveling snow and doing those dishes instead.

also decided i really should move on that 2025 resolution to make my fursona/fursuit a little website. so, tada, i did it! it took me bout two days, but that's much faster than my last time using css so it feels good to know i'm learning/absorbing some of the technique of building sites in this code. it should work on both desktop and mobile, and should (i probably need minor tweaking first) be not a drag for anyone visually limited who uses a screen reader.

i'm putting the finishing touches on the inhuman new years art and juuuuust starting to try painting some rough n rowdy sexy cowboys for ANE. two weeks from now! either i'll finish or i won't, and if i don't, i'll just paint over the canvases again and use them for something else.

happy to drop off my lithium ion battery recycling zine at the weed shop - evidently the clerks themselves have been mulling over what to do about the battery issue since most folks just throw them out! especially because many vape pensor pods come as a one-and-done disposable with a battery. the word disposable makes folks think they belong in the trash, and they clearly dont. also the battery is rarely dead by the time a disposable is emptied of its contents. so horrayyyy a zine delivered to the right place! i wonder if theyll make copies or not. i wouldve given more but ive been leaving them here and there all month and so that was the last one in my bag.

my ps4 controller (i dont have a ps4, i just use it w my pc) is on its way out. the usb port is getting all loose n wiggly which means it randomly disconnects during games. talking with friends who also use the ps4 controller as their pref, this seems to just be how they are. they have a life of about a year. it sucks because if i knew how to open these, i'm sure just tightening the mountings for the usb connection would be all that needs doing. alas!

well, i promised i'd livestream some art today and i haven't in a week. i should probably make an attempt to make good on that. i am relieved i was able to replace the gen1 10.5 in ipad pro off backmarket for cheap. honestly i only ever use backmarket anymore... its not like i can afford new-new tech! and not like i want it anyway, loaded w ai crap as it will be! buuuuuut yeah it's nice to no longer have large cracks all over the screen or have to use a screen protector that dulls the stylus' sensitivity.

still, paper and ink is where its at for me.

see you on new years eve when i post the inhuman holiday pic

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a baby could do it get me a baby

2025-12-24T22:02:29Z

hello dear reader(s)

i finally did it. i finally got a sd card reader and put on the 1996 production of hamlet and hacked my 3ds. i am pleased to report that the documentation linked is really good, really REALLY good. troubleshooting too. this is a fairly foolproof production which was great because i sure am a fool.

but now i can play roms on my 3ds!!! apollo justice lets go!!!

the last week i was making an attempt to livestream every night of hannukah with something fun to watch. mostly art. it was really fun to do but also very tiring, so i def need to take a break for a little bit from that. i still find myself beset w anxiety of being seen and judged during livestreams, but also everyone is very nice and that never happens get over it >.> theres too anxiety about being jewish to be sure. im watching people in gaza report their fundraisers stalled out n knowing israel did that and that people are still blaming Anyone Jewish for israel like whhwhhhhhwhhh what kind of power do you think i have as a sickly queer. some ass from australia was spewing Opinions abt bondi beach antisemitic mass killing n i got blasted by the ignorance like radiation and its a miracle i havent instantly thrown up and liquified my organs tbh. THE HOLIDAYS YEHHOO

im startin gto make art and organize boxes for ANE. i only have one day confirmed in the artist alley, but sometimes there will be openings on subsequent days that you kinda get put on standby for. it...SORT of works best if youre a localish artist? we have fun over there in the AA, itll be a good time no doubt. it always is!! the pre-convention anxiety nightmares havent begun, YET...ha

after making little dancing nikitaks that are too small to easily display or crosspost to modern social medias as a dot gif, i just decided to spam my comic homepage w them. if you got hamster dance vibes first of all: haha we're old. second: yes

the current 'use' of that sprite is that if i get a donation while a livestream is live, lil nikitaks show up cheering htank you. i thought itd be cool if eventually they did a whole little dance in thanks.

but i uh havent drawn a whole little dance yet

just like, seven frames or whatever

well there's my alarm to feed and medicate cats and myself. cleaned out the stove so its official im naughty cuz i got nuthin but ash n coals. WILL i finish a drawing to commemorate the new year...WILL i post my sketchbook before then or after... so many questions about this future we're rattling towards like a coney island coaster

hold on

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slipping time

2025-12-11T00:54:45Z

december seems to be going by really really fast and thats the best i can hope for ok???!!

i watched a horror movie called "man finds tape" (2025) today and honestly enjoyed it. at first i wasnt even paying attention but it asked that i give it a little more consideration and i had fun. it felt like a very american version of a koji shiraishi production, or at least a very inspired-by production. though i think i prefer shiraishi's typically one camera shooting. but thats neither here nor there. its a little bit cult panic, very monsters among us. it raises a lot of questions on its way to answering like one or two it started out with but like in a fun suspend your disbelief low budget horror way. but theres also several automotive accidents and a few slit throats in it so i know a few folks who would not have fun. still. i did.

working on some paintings and getting anxious/excited about ANE!!

started playing night in the woods but literally havent even met gregg yet so Started is all ive done

my buddy rickfox came down for a few days and brought me coffee and a mug they had made for their own comic project and it was really nice to see them, chill out with them, etc. i guess i really wish i had friends like them around my neighborhood!!

tried to get my scooter started to burn the old gas in the tank but it didnt seem to wanna va, so i wait until a warmer day (which hasnt come yet) and try again.

deconstructed the 50gal fishtank because only one lonely sad fish remained. she's now in a 5gal, its better for her in terms of cleanliness and food access and also humans pass it far more often for stimulation. she's the last remaining fish with many old scars from infections she recovered from, abt 9 years old. good return on a 35 cent investment. what we'll do with the recovered space in the living room now there's no giant tank remains to be seen.

very financially anxious, im kind of broke as a joke this month and am such a humbug i dont really see a way to quickly recoup that x.x other than work harder on stuff. which at least i can do now, it def seems like moving medication time to night has substantially helped with my fatigue issues.

hannukah starts sundayyyyyyy

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i'm telling you

2025-11-30T19:51:51Z

hello friends n readers

ive been drawing a whole lot of nikitaks all month, busily. soon i will be finished with that. ren is doing good, snoring behind me. trying to come up with a good holiday card design right now as i write this.

went to our friends' house, leor & pilot, for friendsgiving. it was nice and the food was delicious. we watched the streamed/recorded national dogshow and i got to pet beanie the smallest tuxedo cat on the planet.

sometime next week my buddy rickfox is coming over for a pre-holiday hangout. ive got most of my shopping done cuz ive got uhh most of my money gone. still, november felt like getting a good jump on winter for me at least.

already looking far ahead to the new year. there's a spring that happens in that, or so ive been told. perhaps even followed by a summer and autumn.

comments

what a month huh

2025-11-15T16:47:59Z

im gonna start streaming art in a few minutes so i want to make this relatively quick.

changing my meds to night time dosing has helped with the fatigue a lot. i'm able to function and think during the day again and waking up is much easier! it does mean i'm struggling to keep my eyes open 2hrs after taking them in the evening but that's a lot more 'normal' so i'll take it.

rainy poked and fiddled with her MUD client she built for me a million years ago (zhiMud200x) and now it's updated to IPv6, and also no longer disconnects after 1-2 min idle. these were issues caused by how internet connectivity has changed in the last 20 years, but the issue is fixed!! you can download the update from the MUD page for sabrous. thank you so m uch rainy!!!

ren (my 17 yo cat) had a medical emergency/scare yesterday. she fainted, struggled to stand afterwards and was immediately rushed to the vet. the vet suspects she's having cardiac issues that are not uncommon in elderly cats. she recovered herself pretty quickly, but we're waiting on blood labs to see if that's the case and if she'll need medication. it was very scary but she's cuddled on my lap purring right now. i'll take it. but i am very worried.

a spot opened up on the anthro new england waitlist, so i WILL be vending somewhere in the artist alley (no assigned seating) on friday jan 16th!

in the meantime i'm doing something ive missed a lot - nikitak november. folks can draw their own nikitak-sona, or they can hire me for 20$ to draw one for them. i've got the first batch sketched and it's been a nice return to my basics.

im hoping to knock out a little zine on lithium ion battery recycling this month, but not today. not today.

im on the final case of phoenix wright 3, thinking ill pick up the ff7 rebuild/remake/rewhatever part 2 next. it SNOWED today so i do NOT want to think bout the outside. until spring.

i have a gross cough. but it feels more wet than covid did the 2x i had that. so i think its just... the sudden change to dry air. blegh blugh blegh hack hack

ok i think thats about everything i wanted to cover. ttyl

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fatigue

2025-11-05T21:51:56Z

hey friends, i'm writing this with the intent of crossposting it to various long form platforms and hopefully the reason will be obvious in just a minute.

first i just want to say thanks to my supporters - things are REALLY hard and i've fallen a LONG way from my peak, but those who stick with me and contribute via my sticker, print or art clubs are a lifeline. october breaks down as such:

Patreon - $77 usd
kofi- $392 usd
comradery - $113 usd

as i am responsible for our utility bills in addition to vetting bills, and because this is my primary source of income, these contributions mean a LOT to me. in a time when 12% of americans are about to become food insecure bc of a gov shutdown, knowing people are willing to offer up 6, 25 or even 50$ a month to help me stay above water is very touching. i only hope the things ive been creating and mailing have made it feel worth the money! and if you're looking at what amounts to less than 600$ income a month and going 'wow that is impossible to live on' i agree!!!!!!! but there's very little i can do!!! nobody will hire a transmasc teacher right now!!! this is all i have!!

i only wish i could be more productive with my art, but, well... about that.

the thing is that since sometime about mid september, my fatigue situation has got a /lot/ worse. at first i thought it was from the recent minor surgery, as surgical recovery fatigue is very normal. but it seemed extreme for that? at its very worst, i'd wake up to feed the cats their breakfast and then instantly fall back asleep for another four hours. then i'd wake up for just long enough to change/bathe/eat myself and feed cats dinner before immediately falling asleep again. talking like 14-15 hours asleep.

while sleeping more than half the hours of the day might sound relaxing or fun, it honestly is a huge problem. i can't focus - i can't get a good workflow going, or even reliably contact people to let them know the issue was happening. i just kept hoping i'd feel better! and because fatigue is insidious, i'd have maybe one good day and then BAM out for 15 hours again the next. it wasnt til after i got my covid/flu vax and realized that i was NOT feeling a significant increase in fatigue because i was already like MAX FATIGUE that i began to worry and try to figure it out.

"you didnt NOTICE?" hey i walked off a broken toe recently, i just push through discomfort by default. until one day i can't anymore.

there's several factors that could be contributing, but i think the most likely? is because i increased my antidepressant (venlafaxine aka effexor). my doctor thinks its anemia (but i have no symptoms) or thyroid (likewise no symptoms) tho all recent tests were clear. i think long covid tbqh is more likely than either of those, but either way the result is something that looks a lot like Chronic Fatigue.

so for now, i'm doing what i can within my control and switching to taking my medication at night rather than in the morning. it's too soon to be certain, but i haven't fallen asleep in the middle of the day for two days in a row now so i'm optomistic.

fingers crossed.

if you want to know how to help, joining the sticker club (or print club, or art club) is best. i'm still a far cry from where i once was before i fell ill, but anything helps. i really, really hope i'll be back to some level of functioning energy soon. and if it is related to meds, in 2029 when i stop taking my cancer med maybe i'll get some stamina back because i can switch back to sertraline. but that's a long time away in 2025 years.

anyway tldr my fatigue levels have been debilitating so my output has slowed significantly and i'm struggling to keep up with bills, but with the help of supporters i havent fallen through the cracks yet.

please be patient with me, and support my work if you can.

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uhg yuck

2025-10-21T19:58:28Z

its cold in my house!!! gross

had fun with talcott visiting last weekend - we went to an orchard and out to sushi. it's nice to socialize, since i really don't get chances to go anywhere these days.

fatigue's been rough. it gets made worse when i can't naturally wake up from sleep, and i very rarely get to naturally wake up from sleep. today i got woken up by neighbors using a chainsaw outside my open window.

this is pretty near about the anniversary of me finishing chemo and radiation, in 2019. is that seven years or six? i can't do math, but it's also given me a kind of low feeling. not that i survived, but that it was at such a cost. i feel so much weaker and more easily tired out now, and any time i bring it up to someone in healthcare they kind of just shrug. like, you rolled the dice on living with whatever outcome chemo & rad would give you... don't expect it to get any better. it was this or dying in a very painful way.

and then you compound that with how family really just noped out when treatment was done and how some people i thought were friends turned their backs on me (i genuinely think they wanted me to die, sometimes) it gets me low. like i am going to live the rest of my life being punished for defying expectations and surviving stage 3 breast cancer, instead of dying. i guess i'm used to being punished for defying the expectations others have for me that would be worse for me. but it still feels bad.

i'm running kind of behind on artwork because of it. also because so much of my daily time is spent trying to mitigate cat drama to stop audrey from pissing on things over and over. apparently im the only one capable of giving her more than 30 seconds of positive attention, and she needs a lot of it because she's very lonely. and i just do not have the ability to give her the attention she needs on my own and still take care of all the household chores, bills, appointments and constantly run laundry. i'm just extremely tired, and i feel like i can't trust a single other person to pick up slack without being expressly told several hours before slack needs to be picked up that they are expected to do so. it's exhausting. i hate delegating. i hate 'leadership' jobs, but evidently it's that or just collapse under the weight of doing it alone. cool

i've been trying a new livestream schedule where week to week i roll the stream forward a day (so i guess, an 8 day schedule) but it's become really obvious that people can only really make weekends. for the one or two folks who may have a day off in the middle of the week, i am sorry. but if i can't get enough stream income, i can't pay those aforementioned bills. i'm significantly behind this month because the last 3 streams were minimal in commissions. so i'm thinking about just doing a rotating weekend schedule. one week a friday, next sat, next sun, then friday again. this seems more likely to work out. i'll start this schedule in november i think.

this weekened is going to be rough since i'm getting my vaxes friday. not looking forward to the three day sickness.

finished playing through phoenix wright 2, which i haven't touched in almost 20 years so the story points were all vague and forgotten. i'm currently debating if i want to jump in to start pw3 right away next, or pick up a book. might lean to book when i'm feeling sick, the paper texture and sound is very soothing to me.

i think what sucks the most about my cancer trauma is its made it extremely hard (combined with the stalker trauma) to open up to and trust anyone, to be genuine friends with anyone. i'm just so damn tired. i can't handle someone who isnt treating their compulsive lying issue or who regularly forgets about me. and so i connect less and less and reach out less and less and feel more isolated. i am actively trying to fight against this, but it feels so crushing sometimes. because of the stalker trauma, even when i do something that people like or that resonates with people i'm beset with anxiety and the desire to withdraw and hide because i can't handle the thought of being Constantly Observed. if there was such a thing as justice in this world, the stalkers wouldve matured enough to offer apology (instead they blamed eachother and ate their own little cult of personality...) or those who left when i started cancer treatment wouldve returned when i was done, glad to see me alive. or those who jumped on to rubberneck my treatment wouldve also stuck around and been glad i lived, instead of weirdly hostile to me once i finished. i remember looking out the window of the boston harvard vanguard chemo unit at fenway park and always telling myself Sports Friend was going to come visit and say hi or wave to me, because they kept saying they would. but they never did, and when i didnt die, they got weirdly judgemental and hostile towards me for continueing to try to engage with them. this after they had said they wanted me to reach out to them while i was going thru cancer? idk, man. i think i was being used (they were a big to-do in boston furry for a hot minute) and -like i mentioned above - i got punished for usurping their expectations of me. i think i was supposed to (in their mind) really languish, really just fall apart and need a wheelchair to move or something, and then to die so i could become a symbol for them to use. and these are not good thoughts. these are not healthy feelings.

but nor are they incorrect.

what is best is to move on and move forward, to try to make new and better friends, and to hold tight to those who stuck by me. but this is all so, so much harder to do when this garbage sack country is pulling out all the stops to make life that much harder for anyone who isnt a good little nazi footsoldier.

ok, audrey is calling me. and i am trying to teach her to use her words to express her emotions, not her piss. so i need to go.

later

comments

oog boog

2025-10-11T17:21:20Z

nights are going down to freezing again... but days are still pretty warm and sunny. cool enough tho that ren has shifted into 'human hold me on your lap and swathe me in your clothing' mode and audrey has shifted to 'i love this cat heating pad in a box' mode. luna has the thickest fur coat of the three, she doesnt seem particularly bothered. then of course there's my nest of yellowjackets who are hard at work trying to protect their next generation.

the freeze overnight put a nail in the coffin on my acorn squash plants, so i went and gathered my tiny harvest of 3 squashes. i read somewhere these are called winter squash because they'll last and stay edible through winter months.

one of my furry friends is coming over tomorrow and staying for a few days - he got laid off from the gov shutdown so has a lot of spare time. it's supposed to rain (a noreaster a'comin) but maybe we'll still venture out into the woods in search of wildlife. maybe!

i've got my designs for the october sticker club out for production - running a /little/ behind because everyone is swamping this kindly printer ahead of the furcons in october. bear & beagle have been wonderful to me though and i feel very fortunate my friend rick introduced me to them!

my /other/ printer, who i was using before B&B, is still in the process of renovating their production equipment and such. WildePrints has opened a fundraiser to help mitigate some of the cost of upgrading in this very tariff-y landscape. if you have some to spare (after giving to gazans) please toss a little their way. they really enjoy what they do and what they produce!

my littlesofts backpack arrived finally!! speaking of things that were delayed/caught up with all this tariff nonsense. i picked the jackalope during the fundraiser. while not large enough to fit a full size sketchbook, it /can/ fit my ipad and smaller books. i look forward to taking it on my next adventure! i'm just honestly happy to support little softs. the founder has always meant a lot to me as a friend!!

okay, downer news now. my stepmom just got discharged from the hospital for what is sounding like COPD flaring up. she couldn't breathe, and was finding it hard to get enough oxygen into her lungs after using the bathroom to leave the bathroom. it's scary? my dad was very upset and when she was transferred from an alabama mountain hospital to a chattanooga hospital (they had better cardiac training, and her heart was in distress because her lungs were) he jumped immediately in his truck and drove there, calling me on the way to keep him company on the drive.

the sad thing is there's really no fix for it. there's nothing you can do but offer palative care for COPD. it's the result of years and years of smoking and what that does to lungs. it's kind of the end stage of every smoker who doesn't get cancer, i guess. smoking is very bad for you. don't look at my ash tray. i'm stressed, what.

i'm finding i have a lot more free time to think, plan and conceptualize leaving my phone in another room or fully at home lately. seriously considering downgrading to a flip phone like some of my friends have. also seriously considering hacking my 3ds but that's only because literally everyone on fedi has done it already and is like 'its so easy' and i feel like the only kid not trying a slice of birthday cake at a party. but also, my cartridge games still work just fine on it so i'm like, why should i take that time?

anywayyyyy. if you want to keep up with my production on comics, zines, stickers etc join the mailing list on comradery. it's free! unless you /want/ to give me money, in which case, by all means gib munny

excitedly soon the demo for Enigma Heart will drop and then everyone can see the work ive been doing for that. give it a wishlist to get notified!!!!

almost finished up my replay of phoenix wright 2, just one case to go and then its on to game 3! these games are a /great/ alternative to doomscrolling. i vastly prefer playing logic/thinking mystery cartoon court to seeing cortisol drip down a social media feed. perhaps, i am thinking, having a computer with us 24/7 thats online was a mistake.

cats are calling and my stomach is telling me i should put something in it. til next time

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pleh

2025-10-06T21:49:04Z

not to keep posting im tired but fatigue sucks and im tired. i was even tired coming back from the woods today! heavyfooted, for certain. maybe it's seasonal change or maybe i'm still recovering from surg but i feel like no amount of sleep is enough, no amount of caffeine is enough. and i think about my parents at my age and compare and it feels like something is very wrong on my end. i'm sure it's just the result of chemo, rad, covid, covid again, full on rise of fascism, changing seasons getting me down and i'll get a LITTLE better. but i don't think i'll ever get a LOT better? and it sucks, because there's much more i'd like to do than i can do.

need a team of psychic kobolds around here or something

been working on designs for halloween cuz i cant decide. i think my self confidence is low which means my commitment to any given idea is low (i doubt it has any legs) and so cant commit a finishing effort. again, im pretty sure the whole government deploying troops against its own citizens and calling me a terrorist for not having a dingaling is a big part of whats holding me back and it's really annoying to know that you can be aware of something and accept radically you cant control the thing and still the thing can maul you on like a metaphysical level

been rewatching twin peaks s3 slowly. finished up to book 3 of sakamoto days and finished off the hospice nurse book ("the in-between") that i had meh feelings about. i dont know i'd give it to anyone unless they needed a sappy pick me up ahead of death, personally. started phoenix wright: justice for all again because its been so many years i've forgot all the case details. i'd have started from the first game, but can't find it? it's been a good cooldown at night. i also read some alan moore comic that i felt was extremely meh with hp lovecraft in it, but i had picked up the like b-side prequel/sequel story somehow so i cant say i shouldve expected much from alan moore does a lovecraft fanfic.

i've been trying to avoid just anxiety attachment to my cell phone which is why ive been picking up books and comics all over.

doing livestreaming on an 8 day schedule ... taking some adjustment. need to learn what days of the week are best for folks. i still struggle with enjoying livestreaming itself as a task. i really think its the performative aspect, and ever since i was a kid i've hated being put out to perform. even if it's an introduction i'm just like oh no please do not put the panopticon on me?? idk, its ok, the worst ive ever had to deal with has been a few scammers

alph just walked in and we were going to finish s6 of columbo tonight i think.
later

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shocktober

2025-10-02T15:13:51Z

yieks its the best month already!!! unfortunately i slept thru the first day. i guess an event, friends, surgery and cooking just were too much for my lousy energy levels. i got up and fed the girls and then was like 'what if i lie back down for like an hour, grab a nap' - next thing i know ren is under the blanket purring beside me and i am OUT for five hours.

sub-optimal for getting work done, but i think i just accept this is my reality sometimes now. it's taken so long to accept though, boomers are very staunchly not going to hear it when someone 'young' like me (in my 40s) talks about bodily problems like chronic fatigue or pain. theyll just steamroll the convo goingn YEAH BUT ME and its evident they arent listening at all, just trying to tell you they have it worse.

i think once history has had a good look at this generation of americans it's gonna dub us the sickest generation tbqh.

ANYWAY.......

i dont have major plans for october, tbh. i have a few paintings i'd like to finish, two comic pages for someone i'd like to finish, and i really would like to get back to getting inhuman arcs set to print.

but i am also still managing a house and running interferance between 3 cats who invent drama with eachother day after day. audrey tried to rouse me to play cat wand with her yesterday - i woke just enough to hear her sad, sad mews from the hallway as luna growled at her from under the bed keeping her at bay. sheesh you two.

we're in the middle of two cold days out of nowhere. the kind that years ago wouldve been normal this time of year. now it seems like an oddity to want to wear socks around the house first thing in october. ah well

i'm really trying to break my smartphone reliance. a friend got herself a flip phone and honestly i am jealous. most of them used to be able to use a basic browser! i feel like so, SO much time is wasted refreshing the tiny screen for some pellet of positive feedback. and as much as i love (some) podcasts, the good ones update so slowly it hardly seems worth it to carry the phone on me everywhere i go. especially in this uniquely fashy era.

surgical recovery is going well - tomorrow i get to SCRUB at my scalp which i have been dying to do. i admit ive been ruffling it gently to remove scabs.. which i was told not to do for ten days. seven is almost ten though right? same with wearing a hood up yesterday and today... im supposed to wait until tomorrow. but whats two days difference? it's COLD, especially with a shaved head???

my yellowjacket lawn colony seems to still be doing well in spite of the chill. they remain pretty meh about me walking withiin inches of their burrow entrance twice a day for the mail. i genuinely think this is key to cohabitation - acclimation to normal, nonthreatening interactions. if as humans we dont flip out and stomp and scream and swat and flail etc the nest wont freak out and go into defense mode. just everybody be cool, be cool everybuggy. im the same human as yesterday and the day before. no need to even pay mind to me.

still very sleepy. not sure where ren went after her breakfast, i was busy moving the plants back outside to the sun. audrey mauled the catnip plant while squealing and running around last night but i'm pretty sure it'll survive. i've brought it back from the dead a few times now after all. herb roots are very resiliant, see.

having some mixed feelings abt my hairline now, especially since someone at the fair asked me if i was done highschool. HIGHSCHOOL. like 25 years ago!!! i sure hope this doesnt turn into 2006 where i got carded trying to see the silent hill movie bc it was rated R. it's still a good movie. fight me on that one lmao

okay.. month opener journal now composed. time to see how mcuh more i can get done without the cursed rectangle before i cave to its siren song. tho keepiing a similarly heavy object in my pocket helps. ive been using a plush of the bug pokemon grubbin.

fuckin love grubbin
later taters

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nyoom

2025-09-30T17:58:07Z

audrey is meowing a lot at me right now (she wants to play, she wants hours of play) so we'll see how far i get writing this.

town fair was nice, it was somehow different from what i was expecting but also fun. it was largely put on for kids, i think. i had water stations out for dogs but not many people with dogs were uhhh paying attention to their dogs so only a few used them. my neighbors were a grouchy old lady who cracked me up on one side and lizards & snakes on the other. i was a little worried i might get a sunburn, but the pop up awning saved the day. i met a few local furries (or furry-ajacent types) and a small number of local queers which was exciting. this REALLY isnt a big lgbt town. so its nice to not feel like im the only one and im sure they felt similarly.

i think if i get in to vend next year, i'll do some sort of interactive paint station with washable paints. i thought about doing it this year but i only have acrylics (and zero budget) so decided against it.

met up sunday with two friends at the worcester comic shop, cuz theyre going on an international trip and had accidentally got a mealkit delivery thatd expire while they were gone. so they were very kindly offering it up to us. i had brought my mewtwo cards to show both of them and THEN when i was done quill just PULLS OUT THE TEAM ROCKETS MEWTWO EX SECRET RARE and HANDS IT TO ME like :> for ur collection aa aAAAAaa!!! this is a card that as of this writing is going for around 500$ or MORE, and as the 'secret rare' designation implies, it is NOT easy to find in the first place. like just bam have a holy grail card :O aaaa

oh my gosh audrey please, i am writing paragraphs. i guess audrey is staunchly anti-blog and only pro-microblogging. i was thinking about it last night, if microblogging suddenly just went away (and software like mastodon, sharkey, etc mean... it wont) i think i'd be okay with pivoting back to long form blogging. but also i'm an outlier, because after 30 odd years online, i really do not react when some hub goes under and takes all my posts with it. i dont really care about posts vanishing, i guess. i never really did? /art/ vanishing upsets me, but the general random post where i think over my day or my feelings etc i don't have any strong connections to. i suppose they always felt purgative to me anyway, and the idea that they might vanish forever is like "well, i should hope so." the idea an off the cuff statement might never biodegrade online feels... bad lmao we don't necessarily need a crystalized fragment of any given era of our lives to fall back into do we? even hand written journals can be lost or damaged or smudged. expecting them to be impervious just feels illogical i guess??

it's supposed to go down to freezing at least two nights this week, so i have to transfer tomato plants and hope they survive it long enough to ripen fruit. yep, late september and theyre still green... all my plants seem intent to be really really late to harvest. i will have to remember this for next year.

i THINK that the town faire is my last vending event for the year... though i cant be sure, cuz i'm waitlisted on a few other things. but honestly i think i'm ready to stay home and focus on other work for a bit.

i am on my third cup of coffee today and still feel like im about to fall asleep facedown at the desk. fortunately, this onion is here to yell and make sure i do no such thing.

by the time i post here again i will be able to wear hats and vigorously scrub my scalp again

til then

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bloof blarf

2025-09-25T23:29:03Z

i got surgery recently weee but now im recovering and im tired because of it

trying to rotate livestream days ...upcoming one is monday. then next week tuesday, next week weds, etc. idea is that this should enable ppl to get to see it on their day off whenever that falls. we'll see how long i can keep it up??

i cant believe halloween is almost here!!! i cant wait to set up a lawn diorama of a plastic skeleton being attacked by a giant bee

but for now its finally raining. has been for 2 days. audrey (orange cat) loves rainy days and has been absolutely out of her mind. the splashening

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there goes that doll again

2025-09-08T21:40:50Z

pride got tornado warningd out after like one hour :( wah

afaik everyone made it back safe bc it touched down in a burb northwest of city center where we were but boo hiss guess thats the one thing bout outside markets!!!!

btw if you want a newsletter about what kind of prints n crap im lugging around in a briefcase this link will take you to signup now!! i changed the url sorry. if you spend money i send you things in the mail but otherwise: free newsletter on stuff im printing

im trying to watch the new ("last" lol) conjuring franchise movie but its bad and laments demonic posesion is not taken SERIOUSLY :(((

brr chilly
i also had a few paintings of gay dragons specifically for pride that didnt find any homes but who knows. theyll eventually pop up at least once in my shop

this movie is terrible perhaps i will elaborate later

i am going to get to sit next to the LIZARDS if i get to go to town common con!!
need to make the hike to pay entry, wah

my dad isnt feeling super so is going to get his bloods checked, its sad n scary to think he still has to drive all over alabama to get treatments of whatever type he may need.

alph is back at work and bc he was off for a week he probably has to do a weeks worth of mail in One Day so ren will probably be sad mad later about that.

i need to draw my dragon friends dragonses and finish this bad movie and sit with an onion. an onion who becomes distressed and runs away if she sees me start to pull on a strand of grass in a pot. truly cats are small animals with very big and complicated feelings and we have much to learn from them.

now back to this terrible movie and drawing, lol

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bloops

2025-08-31T17:27:23Z

so i really fell off the wagon writing the last few days of this month x.x sorry blaugust, where i blog each day in august. i did my best and then got overwhelmed with the liminal space between two events being loaded with other chores and things.

i think i was originally going to talk about horror? i've lost my burning furvor over a few days, but i can come back to that.

so i watched Weapons (2025) and the thing is that for its technical prowess and acting prowess i did not like it. nothing against ripping and popping heads, everything against the first kill being a gay man who we never learn the name of. and the second kill being his husband. and then the heavy, HEAVY allegory that cancer = parasite. they were laying parasite imagery on thick from the very start of the film, but by the end it's impossible to ignore.

thing is, i kind of get it. the director/writer admitted this film was done as a sort of excersize in venting a difficult death in his life. he said in interviews that he was the child of a really bad alcoholic and so grew up feeling an inversion of caregiver roles. and i think when you put those together with the cancer imagery, it suggests maybe that parent recently died of a cancer and this was how he coped. which hey fair. but also, please look outside your own grief. the cancer isn't a person and so making the big bad a witch with cancer isn't fair. the big bad is not an allegory for cancer, it's someone who HAS it. and when you say people WITH that disease are parasites... well. you piss me off. as someone who had it. and had family basically later days out the minute i wasnt gonna die.

but even that is like - ok, i get it, youre mixed up and angry and this is about you (the director/writer) so i can forgive that lack of tact. the actress for the big bad is a total show stealer, absolutely carries the final reel and gives such range. her costuming is great. i can forgive that. and i can forgive a sort of no-moral-theatre where floating ak47s mean nothing and where character segments may or may not actually matter to the final piece, because it's more about the ride than the finale. that's horror, right?

but what i don't like is that all his grief at losing this person in his life, all his feelings about cancer as a parasite (its a mutation not a parasite... the call is coming from inside the house...) all his complex baggage of growing up under an alcoholic parent who he had to parent.... why does all this mean that the only two gays in the film - kindly, loving, child-protecting gays - get murdered for no reason at all. no crime at all, no transgression at all. why does your grief involve punching down at the gays. other than the fact that its 2025 and americans are being brainwashed into full fascism so love to see a minority die for their feelings. oh and did i mention that the Only Non White in the movie is one of the gays who dies? yeah. what the fuck is with that man. what the fuck.

and yet, it's still better than LongLegs.

LongLegs is just on its face a weird allegory for THAT director's daddy issues. i am not even extrapolating, he has said this quite openly in interviews. his father was a famous silver screen star. his father was also gay, and forced to live his life in the closet. his mother being a 60s mom i guess tried to just hide this from the kids. the director takes his feeling that his father was a childhood destroyer (WHY, because HE was suffering?) and gives it to an extremely queer coded nick cage. he takes his feelings that his mother was a conspirator (WHY, because she DIDNT support his father?) and makes women in his movie evil and conspiring with the queer coded child killer. and buddy, that's fucked up. you're turning a dead man's suffering into a story about how your FEELS make you think your childhood was 'murdered' because gays exist. LongLegs is nothing but homophobia propped up on a 90s tv nostalgia aesthetic. garbage, garbage film used to excise the issues of a garbage man who can not bring himself to understand why a gay man in the 50s and 60s might try to force himself to live straight and then fail. punching extremely down, because YOU didnt get the heterosexual football tossing daddy you wanted. eat my entire anus, tbqh.

so where am i going with this other than two vague horror reviews? i guess i'm just trying to hash out that to me, horror is always some kind of venting - one way or another. MudBrick from 2023 which i thought ruled was an almost cultural venting, but the sense of estrangement and entitlement and toxic masculinity is all there. you watch the Excorcist and the anxiety of a changing time where catholicism was falling out of favor for science, where you could be divorced, where women found themselves working longer hours and feared what this was doing to their children... it's all there. Sometimes it's much more obvious anxious venting, like Blair Witch being "what if we got super lost in the woods"

but this also means sometimes when a horror film rubs me the wrong way, i have to sit down and examine why it did that. and more often than not, what i find is that the creator was in some way attacking a minority group that doesn't deserve it because of their personal issues that they need to work on. to steal the meme, Men will Literally Write An Entire Screenplay About Their Gay Dad As A Supernatural Child Murderer Instead Of Go To Therapy. but the problem is not every movie goer is /thinking/ about film. so for a lot of people it just washes over them and the bits that are reaffirmed by propaganda (such as "queers bad" usa 2025) stick in their brains like bits of turd glomming to the inside of a filthy toilet. essentially, you need to be responsible for the negative ideas you're putting into the world even IF youre venting.

to bring it back around to Weapons - i've heard some people say the movie is also a school shooter allegory. i disagree, i think instead it's the anxiety that a parent has that their child could BECOME a shooter. even though there are no guns, the idea that these empty placid children could be secreted away and turned into bloodthirsty mobs by the wrong person? I think that's a very normal american anxiety right now. but this brings me back around to 'who dies in this film is a choice' tho.

because the young boy who is caring for his allegorically alcoholic parents? they get to live. he gets to keep his parents.

and the parents of the allegorically weaponized brainwashed children? they get to keep their children. they all live.

but the happy gay couple of the school principal who was doing a mandated wellfare check on the boy caring for his allegorically alcoholic parents??? they must die??? why? why dont the gay couple get eachother after this event? why is there only death and no bittersweet future for them? why did you make the CHOICE, 2025, to bury your gays?

"i didn't think that hard about it" seems to be most of what this writer/director says when asked teasing questions about his film. but to me, "not thinking that hard about it" says a lot about how someone operates on default. his default says gays deserve to die, no struggling forward for us. and more than that, we die as a tool of those who would do our children harm. uhm. what the fuck guy. this shit doesnt exist in a vaccuum. thanks for adding to the general vibe of homophobia in thsi country, which i am almost certain was more an attempt to avoid being critiqued for "woke" choices like "maybe gays should live" than anything else.

this isnt to say every horror movie that offends me and i spend hours turning over in my head comes up as 'what the fuck did you do, man.' Koji Shiraishi is a total fav director of mine. most well known for Noroi, he's got a relatively expansive bench of horror. and recently i watched Record Of A Sweet Murder. it's... pretty fucking dark at points. there's rape, for one, and i really do not like that. but here's the thing. the more i thought about 'why the fuck did he make the choice to put that in the movie' the more i put it together. the film takes place in korea, and the rapists are japanese. they are portrayed as bullish, violent, lowly, just absolutely no regard for any of the people around them. only concerned with themselves and their very base desires. it took until the final reel, when i saw the (japanese) badge of the car that killed a young girl, that it clicked together. this is Shiraishi's commentary on how Japan treated Korea. how japan FUCKED UP a whole GENERATION of koreans, stole a future from them. how the wrongness of that echos through reality for him. in a weird way the film is meant to be his acknowledgement and attonement for that. pretty galaxy brained stuff, to take your anxiety at the brutality of your ancestors and homeland and turn it into horror that ultimately shows your feelings are that you owe great penance for that.

so i guess the moral here is just like... think about the horror as you consume it. ask yourself why choices are being made. why those who die die, why those who are violent are violent. do a little homework after on who wrote it and who directed it and what they have to say for themselves. it is very revealing. and maybe it'll be the start of realizing you need to avoid spreading their propaganda unknowingly.

also finished shirley jackson's The Birds Nest - i really really enjoy how though Elizabeth is clearly mentally ill from trauma and an overbearing forceful caregiver who controls her every move, you can absolutely read it in such a way that she's alternately fucking wth and fawning towards those who control her life in a seesaw of rebellion. there are a LOT of times that Dr Wright and her aunt ask or say very leading questions, or suggest TO her that she is multiple. she herself is never really like yup sure am yup yup sure identify that way unless it's in response to them encouraging her. her personality is fractured, yes, but these people constantly reaffirm its fracture. and they constantly become annoyed not with her trauma or her fractured personality, but with her pushback. it's never when she's dull and fawning that they throw their hands up and demand she see someone else or go away. it's only ever when she does things like take money that is owed to her and buy herself a coat. so really the entire book is about Elizabeth fighting against the very hetero very weirdly sexist status quo to find who she is. that's why even though we get no name in the final chapter, she informs us firmly that she knows who she is. even as her doctor and aunt bicker over this very question.

going to spend most of today painting in hopes i can sell some stuff at the pride festival this weekend.

remember to Think about that which gives you anxious negative feels, especially if youre venting it into fiction. be aware of what you're perpetuating and what you're healing in that accountless realm.

ttyl

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agagagag

2025-08-26T19:16:07Z

wedding anniversary is tomorrow!!! i wanted to go in depth and talk about horror movies today but i'm still beholden to finishing up a bunch of art stuff and starting other art stuff ahead of pride aaaaa

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busy bean

2025-08-25T17:58:06Z

whew so yesterday when we got back from western mass i immediately took a micro nap on the couch, didnt have the energy to post.

western mass? yeah last minute change of plans - alph's sister would have had to drive another hour and a half to our house, so we sort of split the difference and the siblings met up in amherst to catch up. it was really nice, we got mexican at one of the many good hole in the wall joints in the town and then we went to mt sugarloaf's lookout point. it was /right/ before college started so the town was busy but not crazy, mostly taken over with parents and grandparents bringing their freshman in for the first year away from home. there was also a little carnival on the green but none of us were too interested in that.

finally heard back from my prison penpal! there are apparently more issues cropping up with the corrlinks email system. i think it's probable that all these fucked up targeting-blue-state budget cuts may have lead to sysadmins being laid off. so i'm glad i sent her a paper letter to check in. it's cheaper for inmates to use corrlinks than buy a stamp (tho they still pay...) so hearing back on that platform isnt unusual. it doesn't sound like anything is getting uniquely or more dsytopian on the inside. but she did get her website off the ground! it's still a massive WIP and she warned not to try to buy from the shop because it's not at ALL ironed out yet, but check it out. i need to make a little 88x31 button and put it on my site to link to her asap

tired today, sluggish, but that's kinda expected from 3 very busy days. mostly emailing doctors and cleaning up pokemon stuff out of con boxes (since they arent going to worcester pride) and running laundry. the weather is on the verge of rain, so i probably won't get out to the woods today. my acorn squash plants are producing their first squash. excitingggg

wow tho the doctor, doctor Wright, in shirley jackson's the bird nest?? asshole. what an asshole! WHAT an assshole!!! like if The Yellow Wallpaper were written from the POV of the protag's husband, it'd be this guy. jackson is amazing at crafting this distinctly old controlling masculine voice that has decided itself an authority on all subjects. what a gross creep, he sees elizabeth as positive and viviacious and even sexy when she's under hypnosis because she's only SLIGHTLY more outgoing but also VERY people-pleasing and agreeable, never says no. but ohhhhh god forbid her "bad" personality show up, he calls her all kinds of horrible things. and all she's doing is demanding to establish boundries! challenging his theories! laughing!! being, really, kind of the woman her aunt was described as being in her youth. though tempered with a little bit of a childish behavior that a lot of uhm. traumatized people who grow up kind of unevenly due to trauma have. her calling him Dr Wrong got under his skin so much lol especially when she actually got him to call himself that. i can't help but notice that when Elizabeth's boundries aren't respected (ie, forcing hypnosis) and she gets sick after he's like WELL THATS INEVITABLE but if /she/ pushes back on /his/ boundries, lacks respect for him and fails to obey his every command and /he/ gets sick he's like UHMMM ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AVOIDING THE PATIENT ALTHOUGH IM TOTALLY AVOIDING MY PATIENT

also holy hell his description even of his office. he thinks its relaxing and homey. it sound dark, dirty and gross. smell of cigar smoke by his own admission because he encourages male patients to smoke with him to relax and tell their stories. imagine being like 20something mentally ill anxious and you're just forced into this mancave w a stranger who's like SO WHATS YOUR DEAL. this was always going to go badly, jackson makes very clear. but now elizabeth has escaped containment and run away from home :o where will she go what will she do. probably, buy some clothing that isn't picked out by her aunt. that is my guess. a tiny gasp of individuality.

still riding the high of being told i have the best organized pokemon card binder/boxes of all the convention vendors selling them. especially when lots are like, full on shops!!! like brick & mortor stores!! and i didn't even do anything special, i just tried to keep them together by type and ev lines for my /own/ organizational needs. cmon fake geek boys, step up your game. get your types together. lmfao

mirrors for the scooter came, but figure i'll get things dropped off at the post office without them. it's not a very active road and i walked it without mirrors many times. so i really should get to packing stuff for folks.

later

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thamnk u pokemon

2025-08-23T23:51:55Z

thank u saint bulbasaur, we made table money and then some!!! many gently used beloved plush and some random bits of gently used pokemon fashion and lots of cards saved the day. i did sell a few zines and stickers n such, but as friends who stopped by noticed, orig art struggles there are very few folks doin it

comic cons i guess!!! lots of kids this year tho, countering the very male hetero vibe of last years con in the sporting complex??? and some real good cosplay, etc etc. i think the new location is much better.

tho, we were one of the very few masking up,,, but someone gave our room a sign that said Cool People Room so it is officially cool to do. it was before but like, it always is now in huge groups of random humans many of whom are coughing

alphs sister is coming to visit tomorrow!!! exciting. i feel like i should clean the bathroom asap.

ren was very distressed that i loaded the car with things and disappeared and alph came back for a few hours to decompress without me. VERY. grandma does NOT LIKE when her human might go away overnight. do not LEAVE my human somewhere!!! she says.

i started reading uhm the bird's nest by shirley jackson last night and tho im never a huge fan of the Sybil phenom, having read both sybil and sybil exposed, jackson is MAKING it positively terrifying and chilling. the office with no wall. but why. she goes there all day what do people i guess see her doing in her office missing a wall? missing the wall at her left elbow.

ryx and tenza both came to the con, mvps, i love friend,s, ryx stayed til the end and came home with us to have some celebration pizza and watch some columbo. then some craigslist guy n his kid going off to frosh year of college came by to get a minifridge another friend gave me at one point that i just couldnt find a purpose for and welp now i got some money and kids got a fridgeo yee haw

i want to play final fantasy but also i feel like i might overstimlate on it real quick tonight.

i got a rly cute lil bee plush from my table neighbor and theyve got a patreon and an etsy !!

ok i think my head might explode if i dont do something mindless. and then ideally, sleep. been going thru the acephale archives on random bc slow burn horror read by the author is great and has nothing to do with regular nightmares i will not hear of it

on my third caffeine of the evening
hey, it helps get up early when u gotta clean the bathroom for your siblinlaw just so theyre not GROSSED out i mean, its tiny and mildewy what can u do, but ur best,,

later

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here we goooo

2025-08-23T00:01:27Z

the night before a con!!!!!!! always pure anxiety. its not even far from home!! car is packed already, clothes laid out

and im just VIBRATING worried itll go poorly lmfao

as mentioned prior im really leaning into pokemon this year, selling holos and cards and gently used plush and a few gacha collections at my table along with my own pokemony fanart stuff

i really hope to make table money >.> aggadsfsdf

oh well whatever

first thing today i mean FIRST THING i crawled up into our 200yo attic and was like ITS HAPPENING LETS DO INSULATION. and alph somehow went along with my madness so it was done by like 10.30. its a very small and very cobwebby space up there so only i could be the one to actually lay it out on the joists over the old insulation crisscross style. it was gross sweaty work and i jumped immediately into the shower after. alph went immediately back to bed. ren joined him

so in an effort to keep my mind from convention anxiety, i settled in to finish the immortal life of henrietta lacks (and if i was a millionare, baby, i know a family id be cuttin a check to) and audrey came out to cuddle up purring with me while i did. i think she's finally eating enough medication to not be at a 10 of anxiety all the time

just like a 8 or 7. i feel u girl

ren had her solencia (arthritis shot) visit with the vet at 2, was very good, got treats when she came home and got spoiled.

i've been introducing alph to columbo and we watched a few eps this evening. i think not only is it lasting because peter falk is just /extremely likeable/ but because its got a 'home sick from school tv reruns' vibe to a 90s kid that is comforting. lots of 60s celebs, lots of 60s aesthetic. and thats usually what networks were rerunning in our youth. then there's also just the very well crafted murder mystery on top, and ocassionally some tv celebrity you recognize from some other thing (or not...faceblind as i am i didnt realize shatner was shatner til he started talking like shatner) so it's just kind of a fun chill way to pass time. i like to put it on in the background while i work, but it came highly reccomended by many friends.

is it copaganda? oh god yeah, but i dont think it was ever really written /to be/ a saving face for the LAPD. i think just. peter falk is that likeable, the tv murder mystery is that fun. so you accept the price of admission being this is a fantasy universe where shlumpy chill little guys like columbo are who make up the pd and they're going around trying to catch cruel greedy rich folks who hurt with impunity. the fantasy that in some world a super clever super friendly super kind honest /policeman/ could actually /help you/ when a rich person wants to get away with something horrible. heh and to think they called dragon fantasy fiction childish when i was younger

aaanyway
ren's sleepy, it's 8pm, i should see if i can sneak a few more hours with audrey. maybe start some shirley jackson.

by 5pm tomorrow the con will be all done and i get to decide if another year is worth it. never know til you try

later

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