not_fun | dragons are totally drug free did you know this

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HELLO FRIENDS!
because of the holiday and catching a really gross nasty cold from family, i do not have a comic for you this week. but i figured perhaps i could make it up with a propaganukka gift???

and what better kind of gift than something that reaaaaaaally expemlifies the perfect storm of late 80s early 90s tv/toy/videogame/justsayno than...

from what little i know about double dragon, it was meant to be sort of a continuation? alternate? side game...? of river city ransom. or maybe RCR was meant to be a side game for DD. either way, it involved sidescrolling and beating dudes up to rescue your girlfriend from some evil dude. i mix the two up with steady regularity, since i only really played RCR and it was the sillier of the two.

BUT absolutely none of that matters because the tv show has about as much in common with the game as the 90s remake of carnival of souls had with the original film. AND absolutely none of THAT matters, because when you want to shoehorn a moral about drugs into a 90s cartoon, BY JIMMINY YOU WILL DO IT

SO WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY.....

my usual disclaimer for these posts still applies. making fun isn't meant to condone drug use, but only to make fun of the really broken way drug "education" was sold to my generation while we were still far too young to understand it. actual drug problems require a lot of strength to overcome and a lot of support to get through, and the anti-drug toons of the 80s and 90s taught none of that.

if you opt for a drug free life that's super. if you opt for recreational drugs and can balance them with your life like a totally responsible adult, that's also super. you are super. but these cartoons are not
and that's why we're here.

so......SHALL WE?

here we are on the outskirts of...uhm...uh...
cccccity?
dragon city?

HUGE MEN IN TINY CARS, THE CARTOON SHOW

one thing i will say for this show, the only white dudes are the double dragons and their sister.

my chest arm says hello!

it's difficult to tell since all the cars are so poorly drawn
but this is not the army dude's car, and it's on the sidewalk.

OH MY GOD IT'S PUSHING ME INTO THE OTHER LANE
I'M POWERLESS TO GET BEHIND IT??

better just lose control

WHAT THE BLAZES IS THAT BONEHEAD-
actual dialogue

y'know say what you will
at least these glowy eyed road hog zombies look like they're having fun

GOTTA KEEP YELLING ABOUT MY SITUATION AND NOT REGAIN CONTROL OF MY CAR

woooooooooo sick donut bro wooooooooooo

you know this was just really avoidable
i mean are we sure this guy's not the one on drugs? you have brakes buddy

or you could hit a tree i guess

oh okay so
bad driving has nothing to do with drugs, it's just what you do in the outskirts of dragon city

OUR HEROS.
jimmy and billy lee. they're coming back from a male bonding trip.

..."male bonding" trip...

hey bro want a pickle

how do their waists support those huge torsos i what

you should always pick up hithchikers dressed in full dress uniforms standing by smoking wrecks
always

one of the double dragons comments that "looks like someone blew your doors off."

??????? blew...your doors off??

only my barn door, if you know what i mean

just gonna hop into your weird ass sports car here, yep
no need to call a towtruck or take me to a hospital

look there's something i really can't convey through screenshots, and that's just how often in this cartoon people STARE WORDLESSLY at one another with their mouths hanging open. but i'm going to try. so just know that in most of these scenes, the person whose back is to the camera is the one talking.

ready? okay

okay so enough of that. armyguy recaps to the double dragons that some crazy zombies with glowing eyes drove up on the shoulder and ~~caused him to flail around like an idiot while stomping on the gas pedal which sent his car into a tree~~ forced him off the road.

the eagle eyed amoung us will note that the driver in THIS orange car is not the same as the one that drove him off the road but shhhhh

BY THE HAMMER OF THOR, THEY APPEAR TO HAVE GOTTEN INTO AN ACCIDENT OF THEIR OWN.

WHICH I FAILED TO CAP VERY EFFECTIVELY, BECAUSE I TRULY AM A GENIUS AMOUNG MEN.

anyway meanwhile at the villain's secret hideout
which is apparently a huge factory right on the river/bay
in full view of everything...

what am i even doing
who hired me for this job
i'm some kind of ice ninja not a lavalamp wizard

this is the shadow master.
you can tell because he's dressed in black and has a staff with some kind of snake...lightningbolt...sword...scythe

christ, cobra commander took one look at this guy and was like 'no that's way too much'

ANYWAY the shadow master's grandious plan (as it so often is) happens to be to give away tons of free drugs to the inhabitants of the city which they'll then ???????? they'll reduce the city to ruins????

the drug is called Oblivion (dur) and you take it by just pouring it all over your skin

APRIL FROM NINJA TURTLES, NO!

it produces "instant euphoria and instant addiction"
why would anyone in the throes of euphoria destroy a city? only shadow master knows

maybe by crashing cars into everything
look i will say this? a lot of cars get killed in double dragon.
cars are to double dragon what robots are to batman.

careful touching that stuff without gloves iceninja you're gonna get - oh wait nevermind

YES, MY MINIONS. KEEP TOUCHING OUR INSTANTLY ADDICTIVE DRUG WITH YOUR BARE HANDS.

oh i see why shadow master has that rediculous staff
it's a counterweight to keep himself from just tipping the fuck over since his pecs are ludicriously huge
and check out those shoulderpads i mean wow

AAAAAA FIRE

OH GOD WHERE DID WE PUT THE EXTINGUISHER SHADOW MASTER WHY DID YOU START AN OPEN FLAME IN THE DRUG LAB AAAAAAA

oh it's uhm
a viewing portal
that's kind of cool i ...guess. but don't you have a huge screen tv for just this reason, shadow master?

yeah i thought so. show off.

so shadowmaster does his big villain speech about how addicts behave with uncaring stupidity and will lie, cheat, steal etc to get more drugs.
cause y'know
again
people totally WANT to become addicts when they try drugs
and all addicts totez behave stupidly on purpose right i mean no problems there

the monarch went through a really awkward phase for a while there

just gonna take this big ol box of contact-high drugs in glass jars in my bare hands
with my bare chest
what could possibly go wrong

shadow master instructs them to go give out the drugs in one of the city's "nicer neighborhoods"
i can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not. his tone says yes, and a little of what you later see says yes. but then other characters talk about it like it really IS a nice neighborhood so ???

if it actually is a nice neighborhood though like why would you try handing out free drugs
i mean overall you're going to have fewer highly stressed individuals living there, not to mention an increased presence of police patrols or neighborhood watches and stuff. it just seems like a very high risk area in which to distribute for what might be really low gains????

SHADOWMASTER NO, WE JUST REPLACED THAT SCREEN

great.just great.
you know we'd have a way larger budget for our villainous plans if you'd stop LIGHTING EVERY PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY WE HAVE ON FIRE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT, SHADOW MASTER.

AAAAAAAAA OH GOD IT'S SPREADING TO THE EXTREMELY TOXIC CHEMICALS AAAAAAAAA

no open mouths allowed
that means you, billy and jimmy lee.

nothing says "subtle crime fighting duo incognito" like a highly customized car with a huge fucking dragon head on the hood.

i'm pinching your head
squish squish

anyway they're dropping off army guy at his new apartment (he comments on the barred windows as being odd) when SUDDENLY

AN EQUALLY NON-SUBTLE AND DEFINATELY NOT ROAD LEGAL CAR APPEARS
you know i don't even think heros and villains cared in the 90s
just like yeah what up i'm here to break/uphold the law you wanna get out of the way before i accidentally hit you with a laser or what

QUICK, CHANGE OUT OF OUR CIVILIAN DISGUISES

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, CLARK KENT

you know what i really want to see when i tune into a cartoon show about dragon ninjas

poorly animated car chases

wait they went in a tunnel hold on let's pull over and let them get more of a head start

gotta get out and do our magical girl transformation first

i mean really? we could do this IN the car WHILE we're driving after them

but that'd be silly

almost as silly as our fucking costumes which, i promise you, are comic gold.
you just have to wait to get a good look at them.

FUCK YOU, CAR
I'M A DRAGON LUCHADOR

again, they COULD do this while driving AFTER the bad guys...

THE CHANGE IS SO DRAMATIC
WHO WILL EVER GUESS THEY ARE THE MILD MANNERED JIMMY AND BILLY LEE NOW

also i wanna let you know that they don't really RUN anywhere when they transform into the double dragons
they just kinda hop around

anyway RESUMING THE CHASE, 20 MINUTES LATER

hey army guy i'm charlie
from the neighborhood watch
might wanna consider some bars for your window

i mean realisticly you're a renter and so that should have been the landlord's responsability but man, trust me, that guy? isn't gonna show up unless your ceiling is caving in.
also keep your doors locked at all times.
i'm ten!
and you're a stranger!
but i see absolutely nothing wrong with interacting with you and letting you know all of my personal details even though you JUST GOT HERE

i guess even the nice neighborhoods have alleyways full of toughs

who are these guys kidding they're about as tough as a 50s doo-wop group

BEEP BEEP
SUBTLE DRUG DELIVERY HERE
ANYONE WANNA BUY SOME DRUGS
WE WERE IN NO WAY FOLLOWED AND OUR CAR IS VERY FORGETABLE

rough alleys, where they tape newspapers to the wall.

okay now see these are absorbed directly through the skin so unless you want to get high you should in no way be touching them with your bare hands
like i'm doing right now

AAAAAA OH GOD I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THEM

jesus, got hit so hard his shoulder morphed into his pec

QUICK
FOR SOME REASON PEOPLE ARE AWARE WE'RE DEALING DRUGS AND TRYING TO STOP US
IT'S LIKE OUR WEAPON-COVERED VILLAIN-DECAL'D GIANT PURPLE ROADSTER WAS TOO OBVIOUS OR SOMETHING

yup here they come
our heros

KABOOM WHY DID WE DRIVE DIRECTLY AT A CAR WITH A TANK GUN ON TOP

people losing control: the cartoon

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS

what the hell is going on
is someone firing tanks and peeling out in the alleyway

YEAAAAAAAH I KILLED A CAR

they're HOPPING mad ho ho

yeah you know i? would not get out and run directly at a tank

bo-yiiing bo-yiiiiiing

OW OW OW WHY ARE WE TRYING TO DEFLECT TANK BLASTS WITH SWORDS

AAAAAAAH OH JESUS CHRIST IT'S THE DOUBLE DRAGONS RUN RUN

THEY'RE STARTING FIGHTS IN THE MIDDLE OF RESIDENTIAL AREAS WITH HEAVY FIREARMS SAVE YOURSELVES

for some reason even though they're in a TANK the villains decide to retreat

QUICKLY
HOP AFTER THEM

huh for some reason they can drive faster than we can hop

this is why you should always latch the trunk on your giant purple tank roadsters
you're going to lose a cooler of drugs one of these days

okay does that not look refreshing to you
or am i the only one

why he-lloooo is that a free cooler of drugs?

correction, is that MY free cooler of drugs?

car chases: easier to animate than hopping doofuses in lizard masks

bye army guy
no need for me to look both ways because i live in a Nice Neighborhood (tm)

shadow roadster and dragon cruiser each sold seperately

really not the face of someone who sees a kid about to get hit by a car
more the face of "daaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh"

army guy this is no time to do lunges

I'M FREE, FREE AS A BIRD FREEEEE

again are we really sure THESE characters aren't on drugs?

so army guy just falls over as the roadster veers towards the kid

who is completely powerless to you know
move

yep that's it kid stay perfectly still
given how fast we're going literally any movement on your part will cause me to miss

the point of them grabbing this kid is because the apparent "code of the dragon" that's loosely referenced whenever it's not important says that no innocents may be endangered or harmed in a fight. so if they have a hostage, the double dragons immediately have to leave them alone.

that REALLY didn't seem to concern the dragons when they EXPLODED A BOX OF DRUGS IN THE MIDDLE OF A TIGHTLY PACKED CROWD AND THEN CAUSED PEOPLE TO RUN SCREAMING but hey whatever

i will wait for you
until your heart stops beating

hey billy do you ever get the feeling these masks make us look silly
i get the feeling they make us look a little silly

whatever gave you that idea

GARG LASER GARRRRRRG PEW PEW

DAMN, HE REMEMBERED HE WAS IN A TANK

WHY DO WE EVEN DRIVE A CAR IF THEY HAVE A TAAAAAAAAAAAAANK

DRAGON AIRBAGS DEPLOY
OH GOD DEPLOY

double dragon, where the car gets into more action scenes than the main characters

dragon city was shocked today by the death of two bulky idiots in bucked-tooth lizard masks

back in shadow master's lab, they're still looking for a fire extinguisher from his view-screen burning extravaganza

shadow master is prettymuch just gob from arrested development
shooting off fireballs at inappropriate times
firing pennies into the wall

so i guess the guy who found a free box of drugs handed it off to gambit from xmen
i always knew gambit was too laid back to be sober

SO WHAT BRO I JUST DRIBBLE IT ALL OVER MY SKIN?

OH GOD WAIT THAT WASN'T DRUGS IT WAS HIGHLY CONCENTRATED ACID SSSSSSSSS

oh well endorphines to counteract the pain are still a high i guess

shadowmaster seen here making his "dat ass" face

HEY SHADOWMASTER WE GOT CHASED BY THE DOUBLE DRAGONS
AND LOST A PORTION OF YOUR DRUG SUPPLY
ALSO WE HAD TO KIDNAP A SMALL CHILD FROM A STREET AND LEFT SEVERAL WITNESSES

kid gasping desperately for air before that gargantuan hand claps down over his mouth and nose again

ALL IS GOING AS PLANNNNNNNNNED
SOMEHOW

shadowmaster i swear to god stop lighting PEOPLE ON FIRE

after five minutes of a small quantity of drugs on the street, the nice neighborhood sure has gone downhill.
but i kinda dig that one guy iin the back all slouched leaning on the guardrail

HEY 80S BUSINESSGUY I DUNNO WHY I'M HOLDING YOU UP FOR MONEY
SINCE WE HAVE NO WAY TO GET ANY MORE OF THAT DRUG

ON SECOND THOUGHT I'LL JUST LET YOU GO BECAUSE REALLY THERE'S NO POINT TO ME SHAKING YOU DOWN

i sure do live in a shithole now, says safety kid

TRY SOME DRUGS
gambit no!

he does in fact say 'first one's free' which makes me laugh every time i hear it
and the kid does in fact shout "NOOOOOOOOOO!" before skating away

what c'mon kid i just wanted to invite you to an impromptu rave
oontz oontz?

you know at first i thought this cop was just roughing up random addicts but it looks like she's actually responding to that mugger guy
though that doesn't explain why she's slamming the dude on the trunk of her 70s style crown vic

this is marian
marian (??) in the game was the ssssssssister? girlfriend? of one or both of the double dragons.
in this it seems like she's just some random cop they know. also maybe she died in the game? i dunno.
her life is confusing.

THERE WAS A DRUG DEALER OVER THERE
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THEY HANG OUT. ON STREET CORNERS, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, ACCOUSTING TOTALLY STRAIGHT-LACED LOOKING KIDS IN SAFETY GEAR.

okay so maybe that's not what they do but we have to keep the stereotype alive
otherwise kids might turn in the well-dressed and clean-shaven coke dealers our writing department purchases from

so anyway, cut to ....what i guess is the double dragon hideout. it looks like maybe the inside of some weird tree? where they're repairing the car.
marian tells them that violent crime is up SIX HUNDRED PERCENT TODAY ALONEEEEE

i just want you to know that's not possible. you can say it's at six times its normal rate, but no 100% is a maximum amount you can't go above 100% that's like imaginary quantities. you can't have more than everything.
seriously.

one of the dragons says something about WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE BLAH BLAH ELDEST DRAGON SAYS LET NOT YOUR HASTE FOR VICTORY BRING ABOUT AN EARLY DEFEAT

i'll shake my fist because that's not good enough
wait why isn't she wearing a flak jacket if crime is up 600%

i guess i should point out that this dude constantly follows up what his brother says by going IN OTHER WORDS.......
i guess it's like his catch phrase, but wow what an awwkard catch phrase.

time to get lunch
IN OTHER WORDS, LET'S EAT

SHIT, YAOI SPARKLES
SOMEONE MUST HAVE STARTED A FANFICTION.NET ACCOUNT ALREADY

arrrrrrg what am i am i your sister or your girlfriend or both your girlfriend arrrrrrrg

so while the double dragons are fixing their car, the nice neighborhood falls farther into ruin. it's been ...what, two days now?

two days and what...eight doses of oblivion?
hot diggity damn that's impressive

all of this sociatal decay just makes me want to siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

OH I'M MARCH-MARCH-MARCHING INTO BA-TTLEEEEEE

KICK-OPENING THIS CHOCOLATE BAAAAAAAAAAAAR

AND I'M OOOOOPENING
THIS AAAAAAAARMY BOX

CAUSE I'M A GOOD GUY HOME FROM WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

AAAAAAAUGH OH GOD THE STAGE PYROTECHNICS ARE OUT OF HAND AGAIN

so while army guy is putting together some sort of weapon to fight drug crime, shadow master is hard at work on Oblivion: For Her

actually he says it's "super oblivion" which will not only cause instant euphoria and addiction but also PERMANANT BRAIN DAMAGE, PERMANANT MEMORY LOSS and TOTAL OBEDIENCE TO AUTHORITY
i'm so confused
why would you want an army of brain damaged soldiers? they'd never be able to fight effectively for you!

also why throw that bit about toal obedience to authority in there?
did someone walk into the writing room like JERRY.
JERRY WE HEARD THAT KIDS ONLY TRY DRUGS TO REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY YOU GOTTA SCRIPT IN SOMETHING TO SUBVERT THAT

and jerry was like FUCK OKAY WHAT IF WE TELL THEM THAT DRUGS
MAKE YOU OBEY AUTHORITY

and they were like GENIUS and all snorted a line of coke and got back to work

great now we're in a bad cartoon remake of Brave New World

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO POUR SAND ON ME LIKE JAFAR DID TO JASMIN ARE YOU
I MEAN YOU'RE ALREADY A CAPE AND A DIET AWAY FROM BEING HIS COUSIN

meanwhile, things get ugly at comicon with the x-men cosplayers

FUCK YOU, THE ANIMATED SERIES WAS AWFUL

OW i'm not saying it wasn't! i'm just saying that as a stepping stone for younger generations who never had the opportunity to read the earlier comics, it worked really well as an introduction to the characters and-

IT MADE CYCLOPS SOUND LIKE A DOUCHE

that's because he is a douche
SAY THAT TO MY FACE

HE'S A DOUCHE. HE'S A HUGE GODDAMN DOUCHE AND SO ARE YOU. NO WONDER YOU'RE COSPLAYING HIM.
I'LL KILL YOU

anyway let's check in on the double dragons
hey, it looks like their car is fixed!

okay jimmy don't press any buttons
do not press any-

JIMMY

I SWEAR TO GOD
THAT WAS WHERE WE KEPT THE POLICE RECORDS WE BORROWED TO FIGHT CRIME WITH

you don't even know what you're doing, do you

WELL IF YOU WOULD JUST LABEL THE RADIO MAYBE WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS

anyway i guess rather than let someone they're driving after get a 30 minute head start, they opt to transform BEFORE getting in the car this time.

this would almost look cool if the rest of the show wasn't such crap

look at that they even tried to animate the rings like morphing hoods down over their faces

nothing says subtle DRAGON THEMED hero hide-out like a seemingly abandoned tea warehouse labeled RED DRAGON

from which your dragon car periodicly bursts, displaying your secret base interior for all to see.

why are its wings backwards

no seriously jimmy i think these masks might be why nobody takes us seriously as heros

look i have it on good authority that walruses with unibrows spark fear in the hearts of evil-doers okay?

anyway
realizing they don't know WHERE the kid was kidnapped to (or where the drug lab is) they decide to use the mystic POWER OF THE DRAGON to guide them

oh spirit of the dragon
lead us to the butt we wish to kick

i'm not even joking that's his actual line

which for some reason actually works

AUGH OH GOD I'M BLIND
HELP THE CAR IS VEERING WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL WHY DID YOU POINT IT AT THE DRIVER'S SIDE

it's a good thing villains don't have EYES to see a giant glowing dragon heralding the approach of their nemesis.

yep. a real good thing.

we now return to the adventures of tinybutt and wee-ass

wait i thought shadow master was making Super Oblivion and i thought it was pink
did he just GIVE UP on that plan?
realizing it would be the dumbest thing ever to build yourself an army of amnesiacs with brain damage??

at this point bluetooth here makes some comment about shadow master being a master of hiding his operations

yeah cause an eye-level window pane which displays directly into the heart of an enormous drug lab
is really just i mean
top form for stealth there guys

speaking of stealth we should probably be quiet while we sneak around here looking for our hostage friend, right?

audience, what do you think?

i am a robot
nee-nerr-nee-nerr

RUN AT HIM SCREAMING IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID

SCREAM BACK IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID
seriously how did this character design not infringe on cyclops' copyright

my highly advanced laser eye allows me to see they are about to kick me in the face

I AM READY, LEAP INTO MY WAITING ARMS DRAGON-SEMPAI

nah just kidding he pulls that huge gun off his back and starts shooting them

because, again. stealth.

i'm kinda amazed this gun made it past the censors? i dunno it seems more phallic than most

AGAIN, WHY AM I TRYING OT DEFLECT LASERS WITH A SWORD OW OW OW OW

d'oh i shot right between em i got confused

hey
hey ice ninja
stop feeding my humanfish a second

i think i heard something outside

time for me to use my amazing laser staff

TO POWER MY ULTIMATE WEAPON AND FORCEFIELD AGAINST INTRUDERS

OR JUST TO RING A GONG, RINGING A GONG WORKS TOO

it's a good thing all of his minions hang around in earshot of that gong, but i can't help questioning if a simple alarm system might make more sense...?

fortunately the only reason cyclops keeps missing them is he's too busy laughing at their rediculous masks

god damnit this is a battle not a ho-down

OH WAIT I JUST REALIZED I CAN USE MY WEAPON TO DEFEND MYSELF

ah, brilliant! bring down the power lines and therefore plunge the drug lab into darkness and confusion, thereby halting production and buying yourselves time to sneak in-

or just try to crush your new friend who you're incapable of recognizing when he wears goggles
that's fine too

WHY DO YOU LOOK VAGUELY LIKE SOMEONE WHO PICKED ME UP IN A CAR EARLIER TODAY
EXCEPT IN A REALLY STUPID MASK

OH HEY THAT WAS YOU? WOW, WHAT A MIXUP.

so hey sorry about that, you want to team up to stop shadow master or something?

oh god it's worse than we thought, people
those aren't masks, that's actually what happens to their FACES.

WOOPS FOR SOME REASON OUR FIGHTING ATTRACTED ATTENTION??

right so my neck is starting to hurt and this fight is really boring so let me just sum up the major points real quick

these idiots fall down

this idiot backs them up with the car guns

these idiots actually go to get the hostage

the roadster tank blows up

twice, for some reason actually

GNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

the rest of the goons cluster together looking faint

and a cage falls on them
there. now back to what little plot we have.

guys you're infiltrating the base of your enemy
you wanna like
hide or something

smooth
you know what just don't even bother

this city is so boned if a real villain ever comes along

so let me get this straight. his scanner shows the exact same thing
only with a HUGE crosshairs
and the word "scan"?

oh hi shadowmaster
sorry we were just checking out your secret base of wait are you drunk?

I CAN HOSTAGE ANYONE IIIIIIII WANT slurs shadowmaster

gonna sneak in a little dragon crotchgrab here

shadowmaster rambles about darkness overtaking the city and crap here for a while, and gloats about the fact that as long as he has a hostage they're physically incapable of attacking him.

well maybe the dragon dude is but why should that stop armyguy?

DARN, FOILED BY A REALLY BASIC VILLAIN MOVE
HOSTAGE TAKING

WHOA SORRY
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE GEAR FOR REVERSE

tchhhhhhhh oh my god and i JUST let my auto collision insurance lapse, christ

WAIT, IF I SHOOT AT THE WALL
THAT'S NOT *DIRECTLY* VIOLATING THE CODE OF THE DRAGON

so i guess in the confusion army guy blows open vats of noxious chemicals because......
i dunno, whatever, you only live once?

i know i make my drugs out of chemicals that INSTANTLY COMBUST UPON CONTACT WITH AIR

ARRRRRRG shouts shadowmaster, letting the kid go
LIGHT, MY ONLY WEAKNESS

wait so why were you producing glowing drugs for sale and why do you create fire as your power and why do you have a tv screen there's SO MANY questions raised by this

oddly enough they look less rediculous when their heads are just full on dragons

YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHINGGGGGG
WAIT OW LIGHT MY ONE WEAKNESS
WHY AM I GENERATING IT RIGHT ABOVE MY OWN HEAD
I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH

okay just gonna hit the reverse and WOOPS THAT'S THE MISSILE BUTTON

a grate-seeking missile?

YOU IDIOT, THAT WAS THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM

OW OW OW
I'M TOO WEAK TO ACTUALLY TURN THIS THING OFF WHY DID I DO THIS OH GOD WHY

SCRUNCH

eventually all the collapsing and exploding and chemical fires convinces our heros that the might want to think about leaving

MOVE OVER, I'M DRIVING
I SWEAR TO GOD

so the entire factory explodes, but more to the point, charlie gets sent home to mom
ready for yeaaaaaars of therapy

at this point the dragons actually bring up the addicts
they just casually mention they'll enter the city treatment program and "hopefully get better."

this actually sums up what is sadly the MORE UNDERSTANDING end of the american solution to drug problems. JUST THROW THEM IN SOME PROGRAM OUT OF SIGHT AND MIND. HOPEFULLY THEY'LL GET BETTER. I PERSONALLY DON'T NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, AND I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED TO SUPPORT THE PROGRAM FINANCIALLY OR WITH VOLUNTEER HOURS. BUT IF THEY DON'T GET BETTER IN THESE UNDERSTAFFED PROGRAMS WITH PRECIOUS FEW RESOURCES AS IT IS, IT'S THEIR FAULT. NOT MINE.

let's not even bring up the fact that weening someone off one drug by addicting them to another (methadone anyone?) isn't so much a cure as it is just turning the clinic into their dealer.

you know i actually read a story about a kid in the town where i used to live. she was living with her grandmother, and had been in and out of rehab several times. she was found dead in her small apartment, and her grandparents were on the news talking about what a shock it was. i'm sorry, but screw you guys! you knew full well she had a prior history with drugs. you also knew full well that the pressures of living alone WOULD BE SOMETHING SHE MIGHT STRUGGLE WITH, as she hadn't even been able to avoid relapse LIVING HOME WITH YOU. but rather than visit with regularity and offer support and be ALERT to the signs of a serious re-emerging drug problem, you chose to bury your heads in the sand and tell yourselves that since she was out of the house she was no longer your problem.

you don't half-ass it when you're helping someone through a serious addiction. yes, it sucks at times. yes, it's going to be hard for you. but it's going to be harder for them. and if they genuinely DO WANT TO GET BETTER, pulling support away when they slip up (and slip-ups do happen, but aren't intentional. hence SLIP ups...) doesn't help. it makes it harder.

it's kind of like someone struggling under the weight of a really really heavy bag. one that's so bad ocassionally they need to just stop and rest. but sometimes they may misjudge how long they have to rest for, and trip. or stumble. or flat out fall on their face. and if you then berate them for being SO STUPID as to take on this bag in the first place!!!!!! and storm off? they're going to have a lot harder of a time getting back up than if you'd just offer a hand.

just. sayin.

oops sorry soapboxing again

man you know what i could really go for?
a creamsicle.
you guys like creamsicles?

CREAMSICLE!!!

huh i guess there's a dragon dojo somewhere in dragon city
sure, okay

wait why are you hiding in a tea warehouse if you have a dojo you could work out of, that seems really pointless

we dub thee
sir cyclops
lord of the boomcanon

"i nearly blew my head off fighting shadow master and all i got was this dumb t-shirt"

eyyyyy invisability powers!

meanwhile, shadowmaster's secret lab is still burning
guess there's no firetrucks/boats in dragon city

yep
still burning

AND NOW YOU KNOW THE ORIGINS OF HEXUS

and that's all there is to it! i hope y'all had fun. i'll have a comic for you this coming weekend, and hopefully a bunch of pokemon drawings too.

in the meantime, what'd we learn?
uh...
cars go boom, i guess?

YEAH THAT WORKS
G'NIGHT