and if the ground's not cold, everything is gonna burn

[not_fun]

wow i haven't run out of space in an lj entry in a long time. anyway, so let's continue.

PART TWO OF CARTOON ALL STARS TO THE RESCUE. the first part is here.






anyway IN THE AMEOBA ZOOOOONE
THEYRE GOING TO CRASH OH NOOOOOO


everything about this is beautiful


wow right to the face
michael's gonna have a hard time smoking joints with his face lacerated in a thousand places


for a single frame gonzo is in his normal muppet babies outfit
and i caught it
hell yeah i did


it's at about this point it slowly dawns on michael that they're not just in ANY human brain
they're in HIS human brain

as opposed to his reptile brain


doesn't look too bad, really


HELP I'M IN A VOID


well at least you aren't alone


OH GOD THEY'RE TRAPPED IN HIS EYE
I HATE THESE EPISODES they always have to like get cried out or farted out or something


whatever you do don't think too hard about the fact that michael is simoltaniously inside his mind with the muppet babies and also simoltaniously outside smoking a joint and going skateboarding
your brain might fizzle out in the process, because it's not possible to be two places at once.


the muppet babies are utterly HORRIFIED by the smoke. michael just seems sort of puzzled. i'm with him, because i did not know that smoke inhaled into your lungs produced literal smoke clouds between the synapses in your brain. that's pretty crazy.


DOA WHORP WORP WHORP


DEHOODALEE HEAPADOOOORRRR


HES GONNA CRASH
ABANDON BRAIN


WEIRDOS AND PIGS FIRST


wait the cart was just hovering in mid air this entire time? WHAT


oops i shouldn't have called attention to it


EVERYBODY OUT
not shown here: on the other side, the muppet babies all spill out of their closet and into the nursery and their episode resumes as normal.


unfortunately michael is not invited


PUT ON SOME STRIPED STOCKINGS BEFORE WE EVEN CONSIDER OPENING THIS DOOR


thus spawns possibly the second line i really like from this which is when smokeman urges him to open the door (how??) michael just responds with "i can't! i can't get out, it's my brain!"

THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF MY BRAIN, LET ME TELL YOU


HELP I'M STUCK BEHIND MY OWN RETNA


meanwhile HOWARPAUDUARDARRRRRR


ow
why did i do that


HELLO, ARE WE LATE? WE HEARD YOU HAD SPENT ALMOST A FULL TEN SECONDS WITHOUT GETTING BERATED FOR DRUG USE YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN'T CONTROL AT THIS POINT


michael openly says here "now i'm seeing ducks? oh man, i gotta get offa these drugs."
if i were one of the triplets i think i'd be like YEP
SURE DO
LETS ALL GO DOWN TO A CLINIC
but that's why i'll never be hired to write cartoons


ON DRUGS HUH
STUPID
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY NO


the animators of duck tales also have pitifully little experience with drawing humans, it seems.
michael protests that maybe he doesn't say no because he doesn't want to.
which is a really valid point!

i mean that's like the #1 issue with anyone recovering from an addiction. if you wan't WANT to recover, you WON'T recover. it doesn't do you any good to keep saying 'no' to alcohol as an alcoholic if when you get home where nobody's offering, you still drink yourself blind because that's what you WANT to do. the desire to recover is a huge part of the actual recovery, and so far none of these characters have given michael a reason to WANT to stop. they've just been giving him freaky hallucinations and insults

and if freaky hallucinations were all it took to get people off drugs, i doubt 1969 would have been what it was


I THINK HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW *HOW* TO SAY NO
nevermind it's like a major part of development for two year olds and if children never learn to say 'no' they tend to have severe developmental issues later on but hey whatevz

let's TEACH him how to say no

michael all guys no really it's fine i'm telling you no right now why aren't you listening


aw shit
michael just farted out a musical number

you can watch it if you want but i really honestly warn you it is PAINFUL to listen to

the thing is that most of these voice actors never sang. the few who did obviously didn't think this song had much going for it. those who didn't just add to a clusterfuck of voices all babbling and oh my god it's horrid. it also suggests that you should totally lie to anyone giving you drugs because they're a bad person NEVERMIND LYING TO SOMEONE IS USUALLY THE *WORST* WAY TO GET OUT OF A SITUATION. instead of just outright saying 'sorry, i'm not into that.'


neeeeeeeck streeeeeeeeetch


WANNA DO SOME DRUGS, KIDS?
IM A TRUSTWORTHY KINDA GUY
also all dealers will totally look like me so there's great wisdom in teaching kids to be afraid from suit wearing smoke men it's knowledge you will use many times in life


you ever seen reefer madness kid
there's a scene where no wait here let me show you a guy plays a piano like this


SAY NO MICHAEL
SAY NO SAY NO SAY NO


SAY NO
PEER PRESSURE IS BAD BUT THIS ISN'T PEER PRESSURE IN ANY WAY
SAY. NO.


in HS me and some friends used to play a game called 'catch me' where we'd just be walking along and then just go
hey
dude
CATCH ME
and leap into the air and see if they had the reflexes to get you before you hit the ground
sometimes people missed and it was always great because then you had people being like :( you didn't catch me all lying on the floor in a crumpled heap


kids love a good berlin wall gag


JUST SAY NEIN


i can't even begin to guess what's going on with alf here
but it looks amazing


my god you guys really


WANNA PLAY SOME BASEBALL
gonzo i thought you were trying to tell me to stay off drugs
YEAH WELL STEROIDS ARE DIFFERENT


JUST SAY NO


SAY NOOOOOOOOOO
michael begins to recoil in horror at the sheer magnitude of horror that is this song


SAYIN NO SAYIN NO
BITCHES ALL IN THE CLUB SAY NOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOO


stop staring up piggy's skirt michael you don't know what will happen if you do


SEE?? SHE EXPLODED. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW MICHAEL.


JKLSAF OHA MYMY GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE SINGING DUCKS PIGS ROLLARCOASTER WALLET STOLEN I-


wait
i'm still at home
did i go to the arcade today or not?


fuck it, wake & bake
that nightmare was horrifying


oh.
i guess it wasn't a nightmare
hi smoke demon


BROTHER WHY YOU SCREAMIN


YOU STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM


dehhhh
wait mom and dad want to know if i'm okay? let me think about that a minute


KEEP YOUR GOD DAMN TOY TINKERIN HANDS OFF MY FUCKING STASH WHILE I'M THINKING


pooh smiles idylicly. he loves it when they fight like this. it means he might get to pop a cap in someone's ass.


GO AWAAAAAAY


wait
were you using nail polish remover? lemme get a wiff of that


SNNNRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFf


aw yeah that's good shi-
wait why are you scared


i would probably have screamed for the parents at this point but hey whatever


i'm experiencing a generic emotion :B


well now she's totally going to tell your parents
i hope


OH GOD WHY DID I TRY TO HUFF HER FINGERNAILS
I REALLY AM A MONSTER


oh well time to do some drugs


whew, all the choices. where do i even begin?


WHAT IS THAT ROLLED UP THING WHAT IS THAT CUTTLEBONE LJFS:JLS
it took me years of asking other people why he'd have a mirror in his drug box before someone FINALLY suggested it might be for cutting cocaine
so now i no longer think it's totally weird

but it's still pretty weird that he'd have it glued into the lid


michael has a little bit of a crisis out loud and says he doesn't feel very well, and doesn't know what's right anymore. the smokedude tells him he looks great.


i don't know that i OH GOD


hey kid i haven't had a chance to yell at you yet
your resolve is looking pretty weak about now
c'mere


all aboard the shame train toot toot!


why are you so happy about it, smokeguy


dorp?


the alf animation team put a little more effort into it than most. i think over all, muppet babies and alf really were the two who bothered to draw new cells with a modicome of effort.


so hey this mirror
it's you right


WROOOOOOONG


see becuase drugs make it hard for you to see things for what they really are get it


the horrifying truth is YOU ARE A ZOMBIE ON DRUGS ONLY YOU CANT SEE IT OH NOOOOO


so let me get this straight
drugs turn your skin green
give you buck teeth
huge cheekbones
and a flat top to your skull
also a mullet and pug nose?


also they shave your eyebrows off and give you gills
...alright, i'll buy the bit about the eyebrows. but only because i remember what happened to syd barrett.


michael reacts to this revelation by repeatedly shaking his head no
alf attempts some weird metaphor about how drugs are storming his battlements and taking control
sounds about as solid as that spaceship metaphor

michael counters that he can quit any time he wants, because he's in charge of his life


alf laughs at him with a face only a character designer could love


anyway alf tells him if he thinks he can stop taking drugs, he needs to talk to the man in charge.
i really dislike this because really what happens here is that michael finally accepts some responsibility and says I CAN QUIT and I AM IN CHARGE which is a major step. a lot of addicts feel really out of control and accepting that they ARE in control and CAN change their behavior is kind of an integral part to recovery as well.

i mean granted he can't do it alone but penalizing that kind of thinking is sort of a step backwards


guys stop
you can date later


YUP
THAT'S WHO WORKS HERE


BUT WHO COULD IT BEEEEEEE


GAAAAAAAAASP


oh it's just you

again, i take issue with this. because it's REAFFIRMING that being on drugs isn't something you can control. i mean yes addictions spiral out of control but recovery is TAKING THAT CONTROL BACK. the message being sent here is 'you are not in control and you CAN'T be as long as you're on drugs.' which is like yelling at a homeless person who has no address to get a job when employers usually ASK FOR AN ADDRESS. recovery isn't spontanious and has to begin somewhere. taking accountability and accepting you can do something about it is a great starting point. and instead of going with that, they just yank the rug out from under him and belittle his intelligence some more.

WEAAAAAAAK


meanwhile the box is just hangin out on the floor
waiting for a parent or someone to open it on up and end this nonsense once and for all


or a child
a child too


THIS IS PERFECT
I HAVEN'T ADDICTED SOMEONE TO DRUGS FOR LIKE FIVE WHOLE MINUTES


gettin her lazy eye on


pooh warns his ho not to trust this guy
he's with the crips


GANGFIGHT ANIME SEQUEEEEENCE


nah just kidding he gets locked in a cupboard


this is how drugs really start gang wars you know
exactly like this


everybody look utterly stupid for this scene
it'll really drive home how evil the smoke guy is for telling her to 'see for herself' what these drugs are


meanwhiOH HOLY FUCK WHAT THE SHIT


WHEN DID WE GET HERE


WHAT IS GOING ON WHY ARE WE IN AN EVIL CIRCUS
WHY IS MICHAEL SCREAMING FOR HELP
WHAT IS GOING ON


OH GOD FORCED PERSPECTIVE BLARARUG


spoilers: when seeking help in an abandoned evil carnival
do not run up the rollar coaster tracks


really it's just a bad idea
i mean that level in dark carnival in l4d2
nightmareish


it's also at about this point in the movie where all the cartoon characters begin trying to kill michael.


I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HELP ME LEARN HOW TO REFUSE DRUGS OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME DON'T RUN ME OVER NOOOOO


HOLD STILL YOU FILTHY JUNKIE, I'M GOING TO TURN YOUR BRAIN INTO TRACK GREASE


jumping to your certain doom...?


I SURE HOPE I LAND ON SOMETHING SOFT


OW
OKAY A DEVIL CAR RIDE WORKS TOO I GUESS


WAIT WHY DID YOU TRANSFORM INTO DUCK HEADS
WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY AT ME
WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT DID I DO WRONG I WAS STARTING TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY SITUATION AND REFUSE MORE DANGEROUS DRUGS LIKE CRACK AND GUYS PLEASE

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS


friends do not throw friends into a field of buzz saws


really, not something friends do.
just making sure we're all aware of that.


it also doesn't help people who are on drugs to quit when you put them through a horribly traumatic situation
they tend to want to go right back to drugs to aleviate the trauma. it actually helps prevent PTSD, studies have shown :B


flung straight up out of that ring on the buzz saw into a mmmmmmmonster mouth?


i bet it smells horrible in this monster mouth


as i said, the animators seemed to have a thing for him flying down tubes of death


also remember when i said there were weirder ones than the sewer?
yeah this is one of them
this is not *the* weirdest one.


i am also pretty sure this is not what a throat looks like inside
but then again it is a monster throat

wait, how is this keeping kids off drugs again?


case of michael v. monster sphincter


SPLOOOOSH


great now it's going to turn into an episode of gegege no kintaro


PLEASE HELP
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS A RIDE AND I'M BEING ABUSED BY CARTOON CHARACTERS


hahahah look at that loser


uh
HELP??


they throw him an inner tube kind of thing


which promptly nearly drowns him
you know just in case you were doubting that this carnival is full of people trying to suddenly KILL HIM


somehow he gets on board during a jumpcut


i like tube slides. i don't get to go on them often but i really like how fast you can go :B derp


LETS PLAY DODGE THE LEVERS


CAN YOU SOMEHOW STEAR YOUR TUBE OUT OF THE WAY IN TIME????


the answer is no you can't
because you're on drugs
and that means everyone hates you
except your junkie friends so go hang out with them (a bold moral)


i've long wondered if this entire sequence is just a really bad trip. shit, i've often wondered if this ENTIRE MOVIE isn't just a bad trip.


PLEASE NO NOT THE BRAINSTORM COASTER AGAIN AAAAA


DING
GIVE THAT MAN A CIGAR


your first day with superpowers is often the most difficult


the true reason glass bottles are in such short supply in zelda games
michael's always getting high and breaking them all by accident while screaming about muppet babies


HOW DID YOU GET IN THERE
MICHAEL YOU ARENT EVEN TRYING TO SAY NO ARE YOU
YOU JUST SAY YES TO EVERYTHING
"WANT TO GET PUT IN A GIANT GLASS BOTTLE?" "SOUNDS COOL LETS DO IT"


eye see you
ho ho


i really wish i could see the animation direction notes for this.
'michael's bottle breaks against a gigantic monter eye, and he falls headfirst into a large barrel of water in the middle of the carnival's walkway.'


unrelated but does anyone have any theories as to the water imagery in SH2? it's always kind of puzzled me, i'm not really sure what to make of it. i thought water meant like, birth or something in jungian dream archetypes.


michael at this time is questioning why he even bought a ticket to this monster carnival
sure, the duck tales triplets were selling the tickets, but they also spent an hour telling him what a piece of shit he was for doing drugs.


HYDROTHERAPY TIME
THAT CURES DRUG ADDICTS, RIGHT?


just wash all those troubles away


why is there a sewer hole in the carnival?
why is there a giant faucet in the carnival?
why did they show this to kids age 10 and under and think we'd have the foggiest idea what was going on?
WHO KNOWS


so like i said, the weirdest tube of water that michael gets sucked down is coming up. it's this one.


pooh i thought you were locked in a cupboard what the


not terribly weird yet


still not terribly weird


okay GETTING WEIRDER


GETTING VERY WEIRD NOW


WHAT THE


IF YOU DO DRUGS
A GIANT MS PIGGY WILL DRINK YOU


and then spit you out because you taste yucky
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK


i'm honestly shocked he's concious at this point


ALL MY ARMS AND LIMBS STILL HERE?? GOD THOSE TEETH WERE HUGE


I AM LEAVING


or wait maybe not
hmm
a fortune teller's tent


well the entire carnival has been one evil monstrous horror after another, buuuuuuut what the hell


i'm sure this will turn out really well


oh fucking christ.


classy warner bros tweens for you
i really hated loony tunes as a kid. i think i maybe watched it like twice, when a babysitter forced us too. i like the really old loony tunes okay, but the 80s ones were just a giant pile of feces with vomit sprinkled on top.


you're actually going to tell me my future, right daffy?
and not just berate me for drug use?

...who, me?


hard working animators


SAY KID
MIND IF I BITE YOUR NOSE OFF?
I'M A MITE PECKISH


i could just give you this cuttlebone

yeah sure whatever works


what's really going on here is that the smoke monster tells her that since her brother does drugs and has been acting hostile, if SHE does drugs they'll be friends again!

......what
what


i foresee more abusive language in your future


i forsee you stop using a fucking bowling ball because that joke is lame as hell
here use a fucking crystal ball already
god


DAFFY IT IS NOT A GIANT SHINING BREAD CRUMB
DO NOT EAT IT


i guess warner bros learned from their previous mistakes earlier in the movie and have opted to just not animate michael's face or body at all. FROM BEHIND, SITTING IN A CHAIR. NOBODY WILL BE THE WISER.


your future holds a clambake
that'll be 25$


michael's future lies BEHIND THOSE DOORS
i don't know why they felt the need to do the doors. see me i would have phoned up the art department and been like
guys this is shit
this is shit you guys
make it look like a hospital hallway so at least there's ominous sickly overtones
you guys are shit and if you don't fix it you are fired

this is also why i will never be hired to oversee animation


i have no idea what to make of this
symbolism??????????


addicted to flinstones push pops
what a way to go

i'm here for you man, those things are impossible to quit.


but hey on the bright side he can read a book and watch tv at the same time now


eeeeeew my future is gross


know what can fix your future
sex with a duck


YOU GAME?


wait where did the tent go
are we in a jack arc


at this point members of the supporting cartoon casts all show up and shout stuff like "THERES NOTHING COOL ABOUT A FOOL ON DRUGS"


WHATS UP DOC IS YOUR LIFE IF YOU DONT CUT IT OUT
awkward delivery bugs


YOU USE YOU LOSE
except in the case of the muppets, where you become an enormous hit in england and gradually pick up steam in the US.


JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
BECAUSE THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO STOP A DRUG ADDICTION
ITS LIKE FINDING GOD. IF YOU CANT STOP AFTER BELIEVING IN YOURSELF, YOURE JUST A SHITTY HUMAN BEING


mike offers probably the only line that any 10 year old would take to heart
"you're excellent just the way you are! without drugs!"
awwww thanks mike


HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE
this is a valid response to the scenario and also a valid question


gotta jam


haha suckers they seriously thought they could get me to stop using drugs by yelling at me


TADAAAAAAA
wait this whole time he was...in his closet?


oh great he's michael jackson it all makes sense now


michael used STOMP
it's SUPER EFFECTIVE


dehhh mirror dehhhh i look at me dehhhh


what'd michael put on surgical gloves suddenly why is his arm silver


GUYS THERE WERE SYRINGES IN THERE
SYRINGES
YOU ONLY SEE THEM FOR LIKE A FRAME BUT WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
MICHAEL HAS SOME BIGGER ISSUES IF HIS FAMILY DIDN'T NOTICE HIM USING INTRAVENIOUS DRUGS WHILE HE WEARS SHORT SLEEVES ALL THE TIME


smokeguy looks really happy at the drugs all spilled on the floor
like he's just gonna dive on down and start eating them or something


michael explains she should never ever do drugs
they are a bad thing
why did this take an hour to deliver


if they are a bad thing COULD THEY DANCE LIKE MEEEEEE


the sister tells him he should really quit and can talk to their parents if he can't do it on his own. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS FUCKING CARTOON, SOMEONE DOESN'T INSULT HIM WHEN THEY REALIZE HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM.

well no that's a lie. michael insults himself. he calls himself a dope for doing drugs. the whole insulting drug users thing really rubs me the wrong way, man. you wouldn't insult someone with chronic pain for having chronic pain. it's like a sickness. you don't shit on people for being sick.


NO
YOU WILL BE ON DRUGS FOR LIFE
FOOOOOR LIFE

HEY WHAT THE STOP TAKING INITIATIVE


I DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN YOU ACTUALLY TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR SITUATION MICHAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEL


yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


wooooooooooooosh


at any point he could change direction of his flight
but nope
he'd rather just let inertia carry him along

lazy smoke demon


i love the carefully rendered contents of the dump truck
QUALITY


he yells something about they can't get rid of him this easily and he'll be back.
i guess that means he IS the personification of addiction? i dunno


WELL WHEN HE COMES BACK WE'LL BE READY FOR HIM
in that we will close all the windows and turn on the air ionizer


senor thinbutt and his sidekick, flipwig


i think even at age ten kids were aware of such things as studio rivalries, which is another reason why this cartoon was such a big deal. crossovers of this magnitude didn't happen every day, after all. but NO child was fooled looking at that poster.
i mean please
daffy AND michelangelo on the same poster?
get the fuck out of here what are you high


woops sorry michael


oh wait we forgot the cop killa


straight g


get in the poster you fat gangster fuck


why are like half of them giving peace signs
the peace sign movement and hippies and i can't
it jus
nuclear war and
hippies and
messages
mixed
what


well sis
maybe they've invented some kind of treatment for your crossed eyes that we can get the same time i go into rehab
ho ho ho


indeed, that's it. the biggest crossover in cartoon history. and primarily most of it is spent shaming drug addicts and belittling their intelligence and self accountability. QUALITY.
also it confused the hell out of me as a child because in all honesty the average ten year old did not have a lot of experience around drugs.

best intentions
utterly misguided.

oh it also featured the most ear-piercing horrific ending theme ever. worse than the song midway through! i can't even listen to it! but maybe you can. enjoy?

i'll be back later with a post meant for the site with some links and whatnot. for now i need to get a cup of fucking coffee. cause my day is a wash without drugs. perfectly legal drugs, but still.

Comments

(garuda speaking)

[(Anonymous)]

How
how even
what the
I
what
but
wait but what
or
...
I can't even imagine what they thought they would accomplish with this aside from confusing unfairly titillated small children. And I know they showed this to us in DARE but I think my brain just hurt too much afterward and I forgot it because this was amazingly confusing even now.
I'll forego any actual commentary by pointing out
Tigger's suggestion of an excuse not to do drugs is to tell the pusher "my sister died."

Re: (garuda speaking)

[not_fun]

no it isnt STOP EXAGGERATING GOD
IT'S THAT HIS SISTER'S HAMPSTER DIED

GEEZ GARUDA GET WITH THE PROGRAM

i somewhat regret not getting DARE cause it always sounded like fun. but then again i flunked the 'drug' portion of health class because they gave us a test on drug street names and you know

i really didn't have any idea what angel dust was and i sure as hell wasn't going to memorize it because why WOULD I so i failed spectacularly

[sideburnpower]

MICHAEL HAS SOME BIGGER ISSUES IF HIS FAMILY DIDN'T NOTICE HIM USING INTRAVENIOUS DRUGS WHILE HE WEARS SHORT SLEEVES ALL THE TIME

HE'S BEEN SHOOTING DOPE DIRECTLY INTO HIS SCROTUM.