making the dope dope and the dope dope
Mar. 20th, 2012 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
not_funso yesterday i was feeling kind of down and not my usual self and so decided to transcribe some stuff to spam the f-plus with.
this involved me re-watching cartoon all stars to the rescue.
and you know what that means for you, blog readers.
Are you ready to learn how to Just Say No?
...what did you think i was LYING?
Cartoon All Stars kicks off IMMEDIATELY with George Bush Sr and former first lady Barbara Bush stroking what appears to be a really drugged mop and babbling at the viewer. I recall being about ten years old at the time and being aware that we HAD a president, that he lived in the white house, and that he had some sort of job to do that was tangently related to running the country. I did not know what he or his wife looked like. But I can tell you right now, this smashed any illusions i might have had.
suddenly, the president was older than my grandfather. and didn't seem to have much important to do since he was wasting his time introducing this cartoon. WELP. SURE.
Bush Sr. urges us to WATCH THIS PROGRAM TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR FAMILY
mom, when bugs bunny said 'a joint?' what was he talking about? what's crack? what's an artificial high? how come he turned into a zombie holding a syringe? mom? MOM??? WHERE ARE YOU GOING THE PRESIDENT TOLD ME I HAD TO ASK YOU THESE THINGS
and finally we actually get a cartoon yaaaaay
i guess it's worth mentioning that back in the early 90s cartoon all stars was hyped like NOTHING ELSE. it was being previewed all over the saturday morning advertising slots, which is the only place i saw it since i was only allowed to watch cartoons on saturdays (the rest of the week i was on a strict diet of PBS which i to this day thank my parents for enforcing). but anyway, i can't remember a lot about the ads, but i'm pretty sure they didn't mention much about drugs. it was just "DUDE ALL THE CARTOON CHARACTERS EVER IN THIS TV MOVIE YOU HAVE TO SEE IT YOU KNOW YOU DO CMON CMON CMON"
and i was all about that. in fact i think i rented the VHS tape for this like ad nauseum for a while. maybe that's where my real love of propaganda comes from? it's always so hard to make that call.
as the years have gone by i've realized too that different sequences of this show were done by different animation studios, which lead to some interesting animation quirks. and you could also tell totally who dropped the ball and who ran with it on that front. but we'll get to that in time.
for now, we have an established house wherein it's assumed this whole shindig is going to take place.
THIS IS A NORMAL KID WITH HER OBSESSION WITH SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON CHARACTERS
or so we are lead to believe
i have evidence to the contrary
just you wait
but you can tell already she's not on drugs since she's sleeping idylicly. cartoon drug addicts are never drawn so peaceful. SO LETS SEE HMMM WHO ELSE IS THERE
is that supposed to be a ms. piggy piggy bank? that always confused me as a kid.
i always thought it looked more like william the hippo and ms. piggy's illegitimate child.
let's go in for a closer look.
:O!!!!!!!!
WHO COULD BE STEALING HER PIGGY BANK???? WHO COULD DO SUCH A THING
and suddenly shit just goes bananas. the smurf comic starts moving on its own (did anyone in the 90s actually have smurf comics? were smurf comics even in PRINT in the 90s??) and
HOLY SHIT BRO THE CARTOON CHARACTERS ARE COMING TO LIFE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
THIS IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR
papa smurf there's been a robbery get with the program
look alarmed
that's better
although how he can see from the comic
to this shelf
is a bit of a mystery
i feel almost like drawing a diagram for myself to see if it's even possible to see that but i really should leash my OCD for things more useful than proving non-euclydian geometry present in 90s propaganda cartoons.
SOUND THE ALARM
papa smurf that just looks inappropriate
children are watching
what's brown and sounds like a bell?
dungggggg
i think we all now appriciate that 'smurf' has nasty mental associations in our adulthood
so i think we can all appriciate it when hefty smurf comes running out shouting "WHO SMURFED THE BELL?"
ITS ALL STICKY >:( THIS IS THE LAST TIME I TOLERATE THAT BELL SMURFER
time for a quick strip-tease from papa smurf before they spring into action
i think that last sequence was done by the smurf animation studio at the time. as a kid i mostly only watched smurfs because it came on before better cartoons, and i didn't pay a lot of attention to it. like i said, i only got to watch 'toons on saturday. so if there was some dead air where smurfs was the only thing on, i'd be damned if i wasn't watching smurfs. i was going to get AS MUCH CARTOON OUT OF THAT ONE DAY OF THE WEEK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
time to go wake up the little girl doopdeedoo
the ladder does not get used
just sayin'
i mean you'd think they'd use it to climb up the side of the bed, but nope.
hey, it's ALF! the sardonic melmackian!
does anyone remember alf?
the answer is no, not really. he had a live action show that was just your standard sitcom-with-nonhuman-elements. and then a really, really briefly lived cartoon.
i remember watching the cartoon once or twice. it was mostly about his life back on his home alien planet with his alien family. it wasn't particularly interesting to me. which is why i'm a little confused how Alf got into cartoon all stars to the rescue. the whole thing was that it was the Big Name saturday morning cartoons of that season getting together to deliver a message. were the ratings really that good on alf??
garfield.
is a cat.
alf eats cats.
they really only use that joke once. missed opportunities i say. nothing brings the humor like cartoon cannibalism.
anyway alf asks garfield if he wants to help track down the piggybank thief and garfield lazily refuses.
being a lamp is hard work.
GIMME THAT NOW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE SOMEHOW ALSO I'LL EAT YOU UNLESS YOU HELP
one of many brilliant tweens
anyway alf and garfield climb off the dresser and leave the room, looking for the piggy bank thief. as a huge fan of the garfield cartoon as a kid (dude i do not even know why i had such a garfield obsession but CHILDHOOD) this is about the point i actually started paying attention.
and this is about the point my younger sister started paying attention. what was HER favourite cartoon, you may ask?
eeeeeeeeeyup
alvin doesn't want to go help find any theif
he's busy with cartoons i mean jesus christ guys you can't expect him to do WORK.
he's a STAAAAAR
actually alvin always really pissed me off. he's a douchebag. with a huge head.
YOURE GOING TO HELP US TELL KIDS TO SAY NO TO DRUGS IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT ALVIN
i guess i should point out that there's one thing the chipmunks are guilty of that none of the other cartoons are, and that is blaitent re-usage of pre-recorded audio from their own tv show. it's hard to describe but you'll get a line like "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!" but there'll be all this other audio in the background from whatever episode it was used on.
not everyone fully committed to this project.
like i said, the smurfs don't use the ladder. which would be logical.
instead they do some kind of smurf circus act i can't even
is it too soon to point out a large portion of these characters have addict-like qualities to them? the smurfs have their smurfberries, garfield has lasagna, alf uh. eats cats?
and then there's motherfucking pooh bear
this bear is a straight g
straight g
coppin a feel on bitches
like he don't even care
that's just how pooh bear rolls
pooh is lucid enough to realize the smurfs have the stupidest plan ever.
did i mention they're trying to wake the kid up by doing this? cause they are. and when pooh knows your plan is bullshit, you're in for a rough ride.
how exactly are these guys going to stage an intervention when THIS is their brain power?
with a nice slap on the ass, pooh wakes up kermit. the alarm clock. uh okay why not
JKFLAJJFLDSJFLAJFKLAJFA
kermit bemoans his alarm clock status with his catchphrase of "Sheesh" immediately followed with "I hate when that happens."
i guess it was a uniquely 90s thing, characters all seemed to have catch phrases. for some reason they thought this endured them to kids but really we all just kinda were like PLEASE. I SAW THAT LINE COMING A MILE AWAY. GET ON WITH IT.
kid does not notice a blue person on her pillow
are we sure she's not the one with the drug problem here? no, wait, that's unfair. i know people who sleep through air raid sirens. maybe she's just one of those
this kid
who is supposidly obsessed with saturday morning cartoons
and has their merchandise all over her room
asks why she'd set her alarm on a saturday
UH
TO WATCH SOME MOTHER FUCKING CARTOONS???
slimer
slimer
eats a fucking lamp
SLIMER
this is basicly slimer's only contribution to this cartoon. the ghost busters animation team was like look we'll have him eat a lamp and shine a light out of his teeth but after that we're out.
MY PIGGY BANK IS MISSING
NEVERMIND THE GREEN GHOST THAT JUST ATE MY BEDROOM LAMP
MY BANK D:
anyway meanwhile the b-squad has heard the sound of a breaking piggybank.
although in the 90s breakable piggy banks weren't really marketed. at this point in time they realized that if you put a little cork in the stomach or something, you could save on an enormous mess every time your kid wanted to go buy a pack of gum. i guess they don't make cartoons about breaking piggy banks today anymore either but it was kind of a dated hold-over in the 90s. all kids grew up secretly wanting to break a piggy bank, but the option just was not there.
sneakity sneak sneak
into the kid's brother's room
don't look so alarmed you guys
i mean this kid is on drugs, he'll just assume he's trippin if he sees you
alternately if he's not on drugs you could always just claim to be a dream
OMINIOUS SILLOUETTES
and in case you didn't get that it was ominious, alvin says "i don't like the look of this."
I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THAT DOOOOOOOR
garfield is suffering from ADHD.
garfield also suffers from a major case of 'we refuse to draw any new animation cells for this special' so he's always shown from the same angles as in his own toon, and never really picks up or interacts with anything. just lazy lazy animators.
QUICK HIDE
alf's big fat butt gets stuck. will garfield help?
nah, he's too busy listening to see if nermal's been digested yet.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
this is michael. i'm sure i misspelled that, but get off my back dude.
:O! he's the one who stole her piggybank!
he also says there's 20 bucks in there, "easy." unless she's been saving silver dollars i'd say that's maybe like seven bucks at best.
also i don't think you can buy a lot of drugs for 20$.
D.A.R.E - Drugs Are Really Expensive
HUGE MOUTH CONTEST GO
i think theodore won this round, alf.
OH BROTHER DEAREST I HEARD THE SOUND OF SHATTERING CERAMIC
I KNOW YOU TOLD ME TO STAY OUT AND YOU'RE A TEENAGED BOY AND IGNORING THAT REQUEST CAN LEAD TO HORRIFYING CONSEQUENCES BUT HI
IM NOT STUFFING YOUR MONEY IN MY POCKET ALSO GET THE FUCK OUT
at this point mostly the chipmunks just quip about how dumb michael's responses to his sister are. like he makes the lame excuse of the piggybank 'fell' and he was trying to fix it and they snark on it.
snark all you like, gentlemen, i have long held the belief that 'it fell' is a perfect excuse for any situation in which you need to buy a few seconds to get your story straight.
fair nuff bro
can't say i approve of your tight pants this far back in the 90s but hey
what's with the box?
the box
WHAT BOX THERE'S NO BOX HERE
GET OUT
you put theodore in a dark space, he's just instantly knocked out. kid's like a parakeet.
alright what we got here
o...kay. i recognize rolling papers, matches, and what i guess are supposed to be joints. but what are those other two things? is that a cuttlebone? is michael secretly deluding himself into thinking he's a cockatiel who needs to sharpen his beak? what's that big rolled up thing that looks like a tiny hay bale?
someone help me out here, i have no idea what i'm looking at
THAT'S IT?
WHAT A LAME SPREAD
I MEAN AT OUR LAST CONCERT WE AT *LEAST* HAD COCAINE BUT I- oh shit theodore you're still here
so they smoked all t he joints to save michael from himself THE END
hahahahahahahaha
okay theodore it's not the end god stop making that face at me
simon blows every kid's mind here. theodore asks what the 'funny smell' is and simon steps in.
"i hate to suggest this, but my guess would be marijuana."
simon
simon how do you know what pot smells like simon
simon what are you not telling us
ah yes, the ol' 'lectured by a child first thing in the morning on a saturday' pose.
looks like the rest of the freelance shame squad has shown up too
DRUGS WILL MAKE YOU UGLYYYYYYYYYY
actually she makes some comment like 'what's wrong with your eyes???' here
they're bloodshot
see
actually do all people get bloodshot eyes when they smoke weed? also why wouldn't he own visine? VISINE TOTALLY EXISTED IN THE 90S. also why was he smoking up in his bedroom also WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND
YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO SEE HIS EYES, BECAUSE OF TEA SHADES
I WAS USING THOSE
hehehe kermit's face
BYE
GOIN OUT TO BE A TEENAGER LEAVE ME ALONE
come back and give me my piggybank money this is not cool :<
anyway the cartoon all stars sorta just watch him walk off with her money and decide you know maybe something needs to be done about this whole stealing from your family and a drug problem situation
NO ALVIN
YOUR SWEET DANCE MOVES ARE NOT THE SOLUTION
wikkywikkywow
slimer's suggestion is that they "help" michael
GOD THIS PLAN IS BRILLIANT IT CANT FAIL LETS GOOOOO
i think the alf animation studio really commited to this entire project. they drew a lot of new animation frames for it.
LOOK GUYS IM PLAYING WIND WAKER
WEEEEEEE
KERMIT STOP IT THIS ISNT THE TIME
pooh is going to hold the fort i guess
awkward forced poses for everyone as they're animated walking over ground at a slight curve horraaay
MEANWHILE
AT THE *VIDEO ARCAAAAADE*
i recently learned why video arcades are such a prominant setting for propagandas. it's actually kind of a funny story, relating to pinball of all things.
essentially in the 50s-60s, pinball machine arcades were where kids went to smoke cigarettes and hang out without supervision. so drugs may have been an issue in aracdes between the 50s and 60s, maybe even into the late 70s? but by the time video game machines actually made it clear that arcades could be a lucrative source of income, there were staff that watched to make sure nobody was cheating on games and that unsupervised atmosphere vanished.
so ultimately what we're seeing here is that the Old Farts in charge of the anti drug campaign are, as many have always suspected, 20 to 30 years behind the times in the trends of what's going on. arcades are no longer a drug hangout, but they still portray them as such. actually i'm pretty sure by the late 80s, every single goddamn arcade machine carried a huge screen emblazoned with the seal of the FBI that read "WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS" on it. so yeah
arcades
not a part of drug culture in the 80s
but always portrayed as such.
ANYWAY MICHAEL IS DOING DRUGS IN THE ARCADE
AW YEAH BRO
TOKE IT UP
i'm sorry i like smoke animations i took like fifteen caps of this entire sequence
his duck face is pretty great too
WHAT THE
WHY DID THE SMOKE TURN INTO A FACE
OH GOD IT'S A CREEPY BESUITED PURPLE MAN
IT'S THE GHOST OF PUNK MCTHRUSTER
YEAH KID DO DRUGS
DO DRUGS ALL DAY
NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT BREAKING YOUR SISTER'S PIGGY BANK WHEN YOU'RE DOING DRUGS
trouble from a ginger
you knew it would come to this
also man check out that one kid's rat tail
CANDY
wait no that's supposed to be crack isn't it
i thought it was sugar as a child, not even joking.
IT GETS YOU REALLY HIGH LIKE INSTANTLY
I SURE DONT LOOK LIKE IVE BEEN SMOKING IT
OR LIKE ID KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT
BUT WE SHOULD TOTALLY ALL SMOKE THIS CRACK
one crack rock
one rock of crack?
how much would you reccomend for a first time user
OH NO I HEAR SIRENS
QUICK DUMP IT ON THE FLOOR AND RUN
friends who leave you behind with a big pile of crack when they think cops are coming are the best friends to have
RUN
RUN
I MEAN ACT NATURAL BUT
RUN
hey did we suddenly change animation studios again
i feel like we changed animation studios again
fact: this three-frame break where he just abruptly turns into a skull really really has always confused me.
i mean it lasts for maybe a nanosecond but there's no way you can miss it. i'm wondering if the WB studios (which is who handled this portion of the animation) got a note for an early character design on this guy, drew two frames that way, and then got a later note and were like oh well thank god cause skulls are hella hard to draw every frame
anyway it jumped out at me as a kid, and i knew it was a mistake but it still always made me wonder. just thought i'd point that out.
COPS :O THEYRE ON TO YOU
michael thinks, maybe if i fold my spine in half they'll take pity on me and i can say i needed the crack for medical reasons
jesus christ look at his spine
thanks WARNER BROTHERS.
oopsie left some of my smoke behind
smoke ghost is very vain i guess
OH BY THE WAY KID? YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN WITH THE COPS
i don't know what this guy really is supposed to personify. is he addiction? is he a personification of the high? is he just a BAD SMOKE MAN who is associated with drugs? because when he says lines like 'at times like this, you're on your own' i'm left wondering does that mean that michael suddenly feels sobered up by fear? I OVERTHINK THIS WHOLE SITUATION
he sure doesn't LOOK sober
cops walk very slowly
they don't actually want to catch you, they're just giving you every chance in the world so they don't have to fill out yet another meaningless stack of paperwork over some kid who was in posession i guess
wait what
michael estutely points out "you're not a cop."
shit at this point i'd be saying "great, i'm hallucinating rabbit cops" BUT YOU KNOW
bugs agrees. he is not a cop.
he also insults michael for trying to say it was his first time and he'd never do drugs again
oh gee look who's back
YOU WERE RUNNING FROM A CARTOON RABBIT
YOU LOSER
AHAHAHAHA
the fourth wall does not stand up for very long when warner bros. is involved.
CAN IT GRAPEY
bugs does not quip 'can it' but instead just goes 'look who's talking.' YES BUGS WE'RE AWARE, YOU DON'T NEED TO BEAT THE DEAD HORSE THAT IS THE NOW CRUMBLED FOURTH WALL :| i've never been a huge loony tunes fan, either. in the 80s it was really bad, like almost as bad as it is today.
QUE ES ESTO
A JOINT???
HOW'D YOU GET STARTED EH?
let me just reiterate? this show ran on a saturday. like, in lue of your normal cartoons for an hour. the target audience was children. kids ten and under. NONE OF US KNEW WHAT A JOINT WAS. in fact for years and years, bugs saying 'a joint?' was just gibberish in my mind because i had no context for it. the words he said were meaningless, and so i assumed i had misheard him. it also causes a really jarring transition because bugs goes from going "oh gee kid you don't look so good" to suddenly being like "YO FUCKER WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM FUCK YOU YOU FILTHY JUNKIE" and it's like whoa what the bugs why are you so mean
quality warner bros animation. you can tell, they have so much practice drawing humans :|
i mean god they're just such artistic geniuses and so capable of variation they're not stuck stagnating on the same designs someone else drew thirty years ago or anything
anyway bugs offers to take him back in time to show that he didn't ever start doing drugs because he wanted to
because nobody ever does drugs because they want to i mean god
nobody WANTS to do drugs why is this saying no stuff so hard
michael's spine is now doing its own kind of wiggly dance
this is the true danger of drugs
BATHOSPHERE
TIME MACHINE
SAME THING REALLY
all aboard
michael essentially remains in this pose for the rest of the time warner bros is animating. because they just give up on drawing five fingered hands or any anatomy that isn't a bean with noodles for limbs
HAHA BOOK TIME MACHINE HAHA BUGS SO FUNNY
no child in the 80s liked loony tunes
abruptly, we cut back to michael's house where his mom and dad are hanging out. i really, really want to go on a lengthy rant about how the fact that the mother has blonde hair and the father has brown really should have resulted in both children having brown hair but fklsafdsfasdf i won't. i promise.
the dad comments how there's a couple beers missing from the fridge.
the mom says "you probably drank them watching football last night."
the father just accepts this and wanders off.
DUDE.
IF YOUR HOUSEHOLD HAS PEOPLE UNABLE TO REMEMBER HOW MUCH BEER THEY DRANK THE NIGHT BEFORE?
I THINK THE DRUG USE BY A TEENAGER IS REALLY A SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING MUCH MORE DIRE
honey get that filthy bear off the table
also is your brother acting like he's on drugs? i think he acts like he's on drugs.
no mom i'msu-WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
michael's been storing his hits of acid inside raw eggs?
pooh briefly debates the wisdom of the kid not telling her mother she also thinks her brother has a problem.
he does point out that sure, he might get mad at her for telling, but there could be a larger problem there for HIM. again, why is pooh the voice of wisdom in this?
i was going to compliment the pooh cartoon animation studio (disney?) on their ability to draw humans, but then the kid just went totally lazy-eyed on me and i decided to withold my compliment.
are you done reading that shitty manual yet
we've been in here for like an hour
i'd like you to reverse time and give me THAT HOUR OF MY LIFE BACK
yeah whatever shut up let's time travel
THE PAST
one of the quips i actually DO like from this that bugs says is "listen kid, this is the past. and the past is in black and white, get it?"
i'm sure they thought that would be really clever in the sense of like all previous actions are either good or bad when you view them with hindsight but i took it to be much more literal than that and have always just secretly thrilled when flashbacks are black & white without any reason.
why can't anyone see us in this enormous blue bathosphere?
SHUT UP AND LOOK, I'M GOING TO SHAME YOU.
nice jump catch, stupid
bugs is your hateful language really warrented i mean i thought you were trying to help me give up drugs, not make me wallow in self loathing until i wanted more drugs
michael is conveniently marked by the M on his shirt
OH NO
OLDER KIDS
YOU GUYS CRUISIN FOR LUNG CANCER, OR WHAT?
who says this
also why is it 1950, unless michael's past has a serious case of time dialation and it's taken him thirty years to age three years.
HOLD IT IN BRO HOLD IT IN
BLEEAAAAAGH
oh yeah thanks for barfing on my shoes
i totally want to try drugs with you now
michael you good
yeah no i'm good
puff puff pass
YOU SURE YOU'RE GOOD
actually they start calling him scared and a chicken at this point. BECAUSE PEOPLE DESPERATELY WANT YOU TO USE THEIR DRUGS
THAT COST THEM MONEY
AND ARE OF FINITE SOURCE
PLEASE SMALL CHILD, DO SOME OF MY DRUGS. I WON'T HAVE THEM LATER BUT YOU'LL BE AN ADDICT AND THAT'S WORTH IT TO ME.
a situation that does not occur in reality: this one
michael protests to bugs that he didn't want the older kids to think he was a wimp. bugs yells at him "better a wimp than an all day sucker!"
bugs
these events have already transpired
why are you harping on him over things in the past i mean jesus christ what is this highschool internet drama?
you know when you're in a room where one person is repeatedly calling you a moron and a sucker
and one person is patting you on the shoulder going 'it's okay dude, it's okay'
you are really not going to listen to the one spewing insults
just sayin'
intervention works a lot better when you try to get the point across that you are concerned and care about someone and value them. it DOESN'T work when you lace it with language implying you think they've never been very smart.
IF EVERYONE WAS JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU GO TOO? you heard this a lot as a kid in the 80s. at least i did. i don't even know why. probably because i was friends with someone who got into a lot of trouble doing things like chasing hte preschool teachers on a tricycle and throwing action figures into the fan to watch them explode and digging holes all over the back yard and stealing parachute men from the supermarket and stuff.
anyway bugs doesn't even wait for michael to respond to that and just goes
HUH GUESS YOU WOULD, WOULDNT YOU. NOT VERY BRIGHT. DEFINATELY NOT ONE OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST THINKERS.
see also: insulting people when you're trying to help them does not work
jesus is that a cigar sized joint
that thing is huge as hell
michael i need to talk to you about your new boyfriend
i don't trust him
bugs really is an insulting abraisive little bitch
i mean i know that's his character but still
you could have picked someone less hostile to deliver these anti-drug morals :\
NO KISSING IN THE BATHOSPHERE
here have a bicycle pump
while i attempt to deliver a point about drug use.
bugs says drugs make you feel good for a while, but that's only temporary, because sooner or later....
and then he just leaves off talking
SOONER OR LATER?????????
ah, i see. sooner or later drugs cause you to simply explode.
meanwhile back at the house
michael's father has finally found the clit
the kid tries to tell him her brother's acting weird, and he just brushes it off by saying being weird is part of being a teenager.
you know i have to agree with him on that count
teenagers are weird as hell, it's really best not to take much of their weirdness too seriously.
but rather than explain flat out he's stealing her money and has a box he won't let her look in and has bloodshot eyes she just gives up
GIVING UP
THE SIGN OF A TRUE HERO
looks like bugs' lesson about drug abuse went really well. no, to be fair, i'd want to go right out and do drugs after that too. bugs is a douchebag.
you know say one thing for michael
he may be on drugs but at least he's not a racist
blonde girl muses out loud that for ten bucks she can get some crack
DID YOU SAY CRACK?
I'M C-C-C-CRAZY FOR CRACK, SISTER, HOOK IT UP
wait ten bucks i was under the impression crack was a lot more expensive than ten bucks
even michael knows crack is bad news and is OUT
mostly because michael is nobody's fool
smokedude tries to convince him otherwise
you know when the cartoon personifications of your addiction are actually capable of removing your comically large wallet from your pants
i think your problems have outstripped simple drug use
OH WAS THAT YOURS OOPS
friends who steal your wallet
are the best friends to have
seriously this is the point where you go well that person is a scumbag
call the cops
and let them deal with what is now theft
manholes
huh what cartoon involved a lot of manholes
NO NOT HEMAN
oh right! MY FAVOURITE TRIDACTYL CRIME FIGHTERS!
WOOOOOOOOOOPS
with no legs, how will we stop smokeman?
i see. but will it work, mike?
of course it will!
jesus christ that is one psychadellic sewer
even for ninja turtles
MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE
micheangelo as many know
is a party dude
he also has the stereotypical southern cali surfer accent. he's also kind of a spacey goofball. so really, he is the turtle who was undoubtably supposed to hint at being a stoner. but you know we can't have mike condoning drug use so instead he's here in cartoon all stars to the rescue
and god DAMN is he being sarcastic
i mean it, he could put raphael to shame.
COWABUNGA, DUDE. LIKE HOW DID YOU EVER GET SO TOTALLY COOL :|
michael wonders out loud how he wound up in a sewer. well you fell down a manhole for one
AW MAAAAAN YOU GOT MY SMOKE ALL WET
NOW IT'S GONNA MUTATE AW MAAAAN MAAAAAAAN
mike also insults michael's intelligence. there's some comments about how his brain "must be like, really messed up" etc. this really is a running theme. cartoon characters insult michael's intelligence and in the same breath tell him to get off drugs. i think even a year one psyche student can tell you that's not kosher.
this entire sequence is also animated really poorly. i mean mike is fine, and michael's lipflaps are fine. but the smoke guy's tail cycles through maybe like three frames of animation and when he talks his mouth doesn't move AT ALL.
i guess the ninja turtles animation studio was not exactly sold on the idea of alienating stoners when the connotation of 'mutants' for hippies was still fairly strong. i mean the whole point of turtles was that you could be a 'mutant' and an outcast but still do good even if society wasn't ready to accept you for what you were.
michelangelo was my favourite turtle.
i also used to get like mega ultra hyped up watching turtles. i'd be vaulting furniture and running around like a total spaz for hours afterwards doing little ninja kicks in the living room. IT WAS POSSIBLY THE BEST CARTOON ON SATURDAY MORNING TV IN MY BOOK
smokeman protests that drugs don't do anything to your brain, they just make you feel good
...i think even CHILDREN know that the brain is where good feelings come from, so to get good feelings the brain is INVOLVED SOMEWHERE IN THE PROCESS
you know what i've had it with your bullshit
also my animation studio is tried of being involved
this scene is over, kid
OVER
directly contributing to my excessive use of the word 'dude' for the rest of my life: turtles
wait are you flushing us down a psychadellic sewer drain
maybe
does this make anyone else want rainbow sherbert?
it really makes me want rainbow sherbert. maybe it's the purple + orange combinaton.
one of several "help i am drowning in a tube" sequences in this. there are more. and there are weirder ones.
OW
OH GOD I THINK I BROKE MY TAILBONE
WHERE THE FUCK AM I
hi, you're in the hands of dic and henson now. why henson of all people is on board to villify drug use we'll never know, but we suspect it has to do with pressure from the government on all childrens' shows and henson at least felt like the animation department would get to have fun with this.
and boy, do they ever
ahhaahhaha god just something about this is hilarious
not in a bad tween kind of way just naturally hilarious all by itself
kermit just like oh godddddd why did i invite piggy along with meeee
PIGGY STOP SCREAMING I DON'T HAVE EXTERNAL EARS AND IT'S REALLY HURTING MY MEMBRANES
sssso. so. i did forget to mention, but michael is now in the human brain.
yes.
they are riding on a rollar coaster, taking a ride through the human brain.
this is actually pretty standard stuff for muppet babies, nothing out of the ordinary about it yet.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ROLLAR COASTERRRRRRR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
this is all sort of interspersed with kermit talking about how drugs can take you up but for every up there's a down etc. it's just difficult to actually pay attention to that as a child, because for the entire sequence, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST SCREAMING UNCONTROLLABLY OVER KERMIT. and kermit is screaming his lines. so it just turns into kind of an auditory pile of screaming gibberish while they rocket around the severely trippy looking Human Brain
i'd like to visit my brain if it looked like that
kind of like some sort of weird organic alien caves
i would not ride my brain's rollar coaster though
i do not like rollar coasters
it's the vertigo feeling really
at this point crazy lightning storms start happening all over the place. michael asks what's wrong and what's happening
FRISBEES AND MOLOCULES ARE ATTACKING
IT'S JUST YOUR MEMORIES OF RECESS AND CHEM CLASS, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
actually kermit says these are drugs, and this is what drugs do to your brain.
i guess there's some truth to that? i mean they do induce electrical and chemical impulses that weren't previously there but is it really that dramatic?
huh storm's over. that wasn't so bad.
piggy's face you guys
piggy's face
oh hey gonzo what are you doing here
wait YOU'RE the one designing this version of the human brain and its subsequent reaction to drugs?
...that explains a lot
this is me you guys
this is me all day every day
NO DON'T ELECTROCUTE GONZO THE GREA- oh wait he probably enjoys it nevermind
i guess you could say we're experiencing a
brain storm
hahaha thank you thank you i'll be here all night
i'm 90% sure this guy was a villian in some arcade shooter
that or he's a marshmellow in count chocula or booberry cereal
HAZY DRAGONS AAAAAAAA DRUGS ARE HORRIFYING
piggy just wants this shit over with already
WELCOME
TO THE AMEOBA ZONE
so it's come to my realization that i'm actually out of space in this entry! i'll continue with the rest of the images in the next post. hang onto your butts, because we still haven't had a musical interlude about saying no yet.
On to part two?
this involved me re-watching cartoon all stars to the rescue.
and you know what that means for you, blog readers.
Are you ready to learn how to Just Say No?
...what did you think i was LYING?
Cartoon All Stars kicks off IMMEDIATELY with George Bush Sr and former first lady Barbara Bush stroking what appears to be a really drugged mop and babbling at the viewer. I recall being about ten years old at the time and being aware that we HAD a president, that he lived in the white house, and that he had some sort of job to do that was tangently related to running the country. I did not know what he or his wife looked like. But I can tell you right now, this smashed any illusions i might have had.
suddenly, the president was older than my grandfather. and didn't seem to have much important to do since he was wasting his time introducing this cartoon. WELP. SURE.
Bush Sr. urges us to WATCH THIS PROGRAM TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR FAMILY
mom, when bugs bunny said 'a joint?' what was he talking about? what's crack? what's an artificial high? how come he turned into a zombie holding a syringe? mom? MOM??? WHERE ARE YOU GOING THE PRESIDENT TOLD ME I HAD TO ASK YOU THESE THINGS
and finally we actually get a cartoon yaaaaay
i guess it's worth mentioning that back in the early 90s cartoon all stars was hyped like NOTHING ELSE. it was being previewed all over the saturday morning advertising slots, which is the only place i saw it since i was only allowed to watch cartoons on saturdays (the rest of the week i was on a strict diet of PBS which i to this day thank my parents for enforcing). but anyway, i can't remember a lot about the ads, but i'm pretty sure they didn't mention much about drugs. it was just "DUDE ALL THE CARTOON CHARACTERS EVER IN THIS TV MOVIE YOU HAVE TO SEE IT YOU KNOW YOU DO CMON CMON CMON"
and i was all about that. in fact i think i rented the VHS tape for this like ad nauseum for a while. maybe that's where my real love of propaganda comes from? it's always so hard to make that call.
as the years have gone by i've realized too that different sequences of this show were done by different animation studios, which lead to some interesting animation quirks. and you could also tell totally who dropped the ball and who ran with it on that front. but we'll get to that in time.
for now, we have an established house wherein it's assumed this whole shindig is going to take place.
THIS IS A NORMAL KID WITH HER OBSESSION WITH SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON CHARACTERS
or so we are lead to believe
i have evidence to the contrary
just you wait
but you can tell already she's not on drugs since she's sleeping idylicly. cartoon drug addicts are never drawn so peaceful. SO LETS SEE HMMM WHO ELSE IS THERE
is that supposed to be a ms. piggy piggy bank? that always confused me as a kid.
i always thought it looked more like william the hippo and ms. piggy's illegitimate child.
let's go in for a closer look.
:O!!!!!!!!
WHO COULD BE STEALING HER PIGGY BANK???? WHO COULD DO SUCH A THING
and suddenly shit just goes bananas. the smurf comic starts moving on its own (did anyone in the 90s actually have smurf comics? were smurf comics even in PRINT in the 90s??) and
HOLY SHIT BRO THE CARTOON CHARACTERS ARE COMING TO LIFE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
THIS IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR
papa smurf there's been a robbery get with the program
look alarmed
that's better
although how he can see from the comic
to this shelf
is a bit of a mystery
i feel almost like drawing a diagram for myself to see if it's even possible to see that but i really should leash my OCD for things more useful than proving non-euclydian geometry present in 90s propaganda cartoons.
SOUND THE ALARM
papa smurf that just looks inappropriate
children are watching
what's brown and sounds like a bell?
dungggggg
i think we all now appriciate that 'smurf' has nasty mental associations in our adulthood
so i think we can all appriciate it when hefty smurf comes running out shouting "WHO SMURFED THE BELL?"
ITS ALL STICKY >:( THIS IS THE LAST TIME I TOLERATE THAT BELL SMURFER
time for a quick strip-tease from papa smurf before they spring into action
i think that last sequence was done by the smurf animation studio at the time. as a kid i mostly only watched smurfs because it came on before better cartoons, and i didn't pay a lot of attention to it. like i said, i only got to watch 'toons on saturday. so if there was some dead air where smurfs was the only thing on, i'd be damned if i wasn't watching smurfs. i was going to get AS MUCH CARTOON OUT OF THAT ONE DAY OF THE WEEK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
time to go wake up the little girl doopdeedoo
the ladder does not get used
just sayin'
i mean you'd think they'd use it to climb up the side of the bed, but nope.
hey, it's ALF! the sardonic melmackian!
does anyone remember alf?
the answer is no, not really. he had a live action show that was just your standard sitcom-with-nonhuman-elements. and then a really, really briefly lived cartoon.
i remember watching the cartoon once or twice. it was mostly about his life back on his home alien planet with his alien family. it wasn't particularly interesting to me. which is why i'm a little confused how Alf got into cartoon all stars to the rescue. the whole thing was that it was the Big Name saturday morning cartoons of that season getting together to deliver a message. were the ratings really that good on alf??
garfield.
is a cat.
alf eats cats.
they really only use that joke once. missed opportunities i say. nothing brings the humor like cartoon cannibalism.
anyway alf asks garfield if he wants to help track down the piggybank thief and garfield lazily refuses.
being a lamp is hard work.
GIMME THAT NOW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE SOMEHOW ALSO I'LL EAT YOU UNLESS YOU HELP
one of many brilliant tweens
anyway alf and garfield climb off the dresser and leave the room, looking for the piggy bank thief. as a huge fan of the garfield cartoon as a kid (dude i do not even know why i had such a garfield obsession but CHILDHOOD) this is about the point i actually started paying attention.
and this is about the point my younger sister started paying attention. what was HER favourite cartoon, you may ask?
eeeeeeeeeyup
alvin doesn't want to go help find any theif
he's busy with cartoons i mean jesus christ guys you can't expect him to do WORK.
he's a STAAAAAR
actually alvin always really pissed me off. he's a douchebag. with a huge head.
YOURE GOING TO HELP US TELL KIDS TO SAY NO TO DRUGS IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT ALVIN
i guess i should point out that there's one thing the chipmunks are guilty of that none of the other cartoons are, and that is blaitent re-usage of pre-recorded audio from their own tv show. it's hard to describe but you'll get a line like "HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!" but there'll be all this other audio in the background from whatever episode it was used on.
not everyone fully committed to this project.
like i said, the smurfs don't use the ladder. which would be logical.
instead they do some kind of smurf circus act i can't even
is it too soon to point out a large portion of these characters have addict-like qualities to them? the smurfs have their smurfberries, garfield has lasagna, alf uh. eats cats?
and then there's motherfucking pooh bear
this bear is a straight g
straight g
coppin a feel on bitches
like he don't even care
that's just how pooh bear rolls
pooh is lucid enough to realize the smurfs have the stupidest plan ever.
did i mention they're trying to wake the kid up by doing this? cause they are. and when pooh knows your plan is bullshit, you're in for a rough ride.
how exactly are these guys going to stage an intervention when THIS is their brain power?
with a nice slap on the ass, pooh wakes up kermit. the alarm clock. uh okay why not
JKFLAJJFLDSJFLAJFKLAJFA
kermit bemoans his alarm clock status with his catchphrase of "Sheesh" immediately followed with "I hate when that happens."
i guess it was a uniquely 90s thing, characters all seemed to have catch phrases. for some reason they thought this endured them to kids but really we all just kinda were like PLEASE. I SAW THAT LINE COMING A MILE AWAY. GET ON WITH IT.
kid does not notice a blue person on her pillow
are we sure she's not the one with the drug problem here? no, wait, that's unfair. i know people who sleep through air raid sirens. maybe she's just one of those
this kid
who is supposidly obsessed with saturday morning cartoons
and has their merchandise all over her room
asks why she'd set her alarm on a saturday
UH
TO WATCH SOME MOTHER FUCKING CARTOONS???
slimer
slimer
eats a fucking lamp
SLIMER
this is basicly slimer's only contribution to this cartoon. the ghost busters animation team was like look we'll have him eat a lamp and shine a light out of his teeth but after that we're out.
MY PIGGY BANK IS MISSING
NEVERMIND THE GREEN GHOST THAT JUST ATE MY BEDROOM LAMP
MY BANK D:
anyway meanwhile the b-squad has heard the sound of a breaking piggybank.
although in the 90s breakable piggy banks weren't really marketed. at this point in time they realized that if you put a little cork in the stomach or something, you could save on an enormous mess every time your kid wanted to go buy a pack of gum. i guess they don't make cartoons about breaking piggy banks today anymore either but it was kind of a dated hold-over in the 90s. all kids grew up secretly wanting to break a piggy bank, but the option just was not there.
sneakity sneak sneak
into the kid's brother's room
don't look so alarmed you guys
i mean this kid is on drugs, he'll just assume he's trippin if he sees you
alternately if he's not on drugs you could always just claim to be a dream
OMINIOUS SILLOUETTES
and in case you didn't get that it was ominious, alvin says "i don't like the look of this."
I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THAT DOOOOOOOR
garfield is suffering from ADHD.
garfield also suffers from a major case of 'we refuse to draw any new animation cells for this special' so he's always shown from the same angles as in his own toon, and never really picks up or interacts with anything. just lazy lazy animators.
QUICK HIDE
alf's big fat butt gets stuck. will garfield help?
nah, he's too busy listening to see if nermal's been digested yet.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
this is michael. i'm sure i misspelled that, but get off my back dude.
:O! he's the one who stole her piggybank!
he also says there's 20 bucks in there, "easy." unless she's been saving silver dollars i'd say that's maybe like seven bucks at best.
also i don't think you can buy a lot of drugs for 20$.
D.A.R.E - Drugs Are Really Expensive
HUGE MOUTH CONTEST GO
i think theodore won this round, alf.
OH BROTHER DEAREST I HEARD THE SOUND OF SHATTERING CERAMIC
I KNOW YOU TOLD ME TO STAY OUT AND YOU'RE A TEENAGED BOY AND IGNORING THAT REQUEST CAN LEAD TO HORRIFYING CONSEQUENCES BUT HI
IM NOT STUFFING YOUR MONEY IN MY POCKET ALSO GET THE FUCK OUT
at this point mostly the chipmunks just quip about how dumb michael's responses to his sister are. like he makes the lame excuse of the piggybank 'fell' and he was trying to fix it and they snark on it.
snark all you like, gentlemen, i have long held the belief that 'it fell' is a perfect excuse for any situation in which you need to buy a few seconds to get your story straight.
fair nuff bro
can't say i approve of your tight pants this far back in the 90s but hey
what's with the box?
the box
WHAT BOX THERE'S NO BOX HERE
GET OUT
you put theodore in a dark space, he's just instantly knocked out. kid's like a parakeet.
alright what we got here
o...kay. i recognize rolling papers, matches, and what i guess are supposed to be joints. but what are those other two things? is that a cuttlebone? is michael secretly deluding himself into thinking he's a cockatiel who needs to sharpen his beak? what's that big rolled up thing that looks like a tiny hay bale?
someone help me out here, i have no idea what i'm looking at
THAT'S IT?
WHAT A LAME SPREAD
I MEAN AT OUR LAST CONCERT WE AT *LEAST* HAD COCAINE BUT I- oh shit theodore you're still here
so they smoked all t he joints to save michael from himself THE END
hahahahahahahaha
okay theodore it's not the end god stop making that face at me
simon blows every kid's mind here. theodore asks what the 'funny smell' is and simon steps in.
"i hate to suggest this, but my guess would be marijuana."
simon
simon how do you know what pot smells like simon
simon what are you not telling us
ah yes, the ol' 'lectured by a child first thing in the morning on a saturday' pose.
looks like the rest of the freelance shame squad has shown up too
DRUGS WILL MAKE YOU UGLYYYYYYYYYY
actually she makes some comment like 'what's wrong with your eyes???' here
they're bloodshot
see
actually do all people get bloodshot eyes when they smoke weed? also why wouldn't he own visine? VISINE TOTALLY EXISTED IN THE 90S. also why was he smoking up in his bedroom also WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND
YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO SEE HIS EYES, BECAUSE OF TEA SHADES
I WAS USING THOSE
hehehe kermit's face
BYE
GOIN OUT TO BE A TEENAGER LEAVE ME ALONE
come back and give me my piggybank money this is not cool :<
anyway the cartoon all stars sorta just watch him walk off with her money and decide you know maybe something needs to be done about this whole stealing from your family and a drug problem situation
NO ALVIN
YOUR SWEET DANCE MOVES ARE NOT THE SOLUTION
wikkywikkywow
slimer's suggestion is that they "help" michael
GOD THIS PLAN IS BRILLIANT IT CANT FAIL LETS GOOOOO
i think the alf animation studio really commited to this entire project. they drew a lot of new animation frames for it.
LOOK GUYS IM PLAYING WIND WAKER
WEEEEEEE
KERMIT STOP IT THIS ISNT THE TIME
pooh is going to hold the fort i guess
awkward forced poses for everyone as they're animated walking over ground at a slight curve horraaay
MEANWHILE
AT THE *VIDEO ARCAAAAADE*
i recently learned why video arcades are such a prominant setting for propagandas. it's actually kind of a funny story, relating to pinball of all things.
essentially in the 50s-60s, pinball machine arcades were where kids went to smoke cigarettes and hang out without supervision. so drugs may have been an issue in aracdes between the 50s and 60s, maybe even into the late 70s? but by the time video game machines actually made it clear that arcades could be a lucrative source of income, there were staff that watched to make sure nobody was cheating on games and that unsupervised atmosphere vanished.
so ultimately what we're seeing here is that the Old Farts in charge of the anti drug campaign are, as many have always suspected, 20 to 30 years behind the times in the trends of what's going on. arcades are no longer a drug hangout, but they still portray them as such. actually i'm pretty sure by the late 80s, every single goddamn arcade machine carried a huge screen emblazoned with the seal of the FBI that read "WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS" on it. so yeah
arcades
not a part of drug culture in the 80s
but always portrayed as such.
ANYWAY MICHAEL IS DOING DRUGS IN THE ARCADE
AW YEAH BRO
TOKE IT UP
i'm sorry i like smoke animations i took like fifteen caps of this entire sequence
his duck face is pretty great too
WHAT THE
WHY DID THE SMOKE TURN INTO A FACE
OH GOD IT'S A CREEPY BESUITED PURPLE MAN
IT'S THE GHOST OF PUNK MCTHRUSTER
YEAH KID DO DRUGS
DO DRUGS ALL DAY
NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT BREAKING YOUR SISTER'S PIGGY BANK WHEN YOU'RE DOING DRUGS
trouble from a ginger
you knew it would come to this
also man check out that one kid's rat tail
CANDY
wait no that's supposed to be crack isn't it
i thought it was sugar as a child, not even joking.
IT GETS YOU REALLY HIGH LIKE INSTANTLY
I SURE DONT LOOK LIKE IVE BEEN SMOKING IT
OR LIKE ID KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT
BUT WE SHOULD TOTALLY ALL SMOKE THIS CRACK
one crack rock
one rock of crack?
how much would you reccomend for a first time user
OH NO I HEAR SIRENS
QUICK DUMP IT ON THE FLOOR AND RUN
friends who leave you behind with a big pile of crack when they think cops are coming are the best friends to have
RUN
RUN
I MEAN ACT NATURAL BUT
RUN
hey did we suddenly change animation studios again
i feel like we changed animation studios again
fact: this three-frame break where he just abruptly turns into a skull really really has always confused me.
i mean it lasts for maybe a nanosecond but there's no way you can miss it. i'm wondering if the WB studios (which is who handled this portion of the animation) got a note for an early character design on this guy, drew two frames that way, and then got a later note and were like oh well thank god cause skulls are hella hard to draw every frame
anyway it jumped out at me as a kid, and i knew it was a mistake but it still always made me wonder. just thought i'd point that out.
COPS :O THEYRE ON TO YOU
michael thinks, maybe if i fold my spine in half they'll take pity on me and i can say i needed the crack for medical reasons
jesus christ look at his spine
thanks WARNER BROTHERS.
oopsie left some of my smoke behind
smoke ghost is very vain i guess
OH BY THE WAY KID? YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN WITH THE COPS
i don't know what this guy really is supposed to personify. is he addiction? is he a personification of the high? is he just a BAD SMOKE MAN who is associated with drugs? because when he says lines like 'at times like this, you're on your own' i'm left wondering does that mean that michael suddenly feels sobered up by fear? I OVERTHINK THIS WHOLE SITUATION
he sure doesn't LOOK sober
cops walk very slowly
they don't actually want to catch you, they're just giving you every chance in the world so they don't have to fill out yet another meaningless stack of paperwork over some kid who was in posession i guess
wait what
michael estutely points out "you're not a cop."
shit at this point i'd be saying "great, i'm hallucinating rabbit cops" BUT YOU KNOW
bugs agrees. he is not a cop.
he also insults michael for trying to say it was his first time and he'd never do drugs again
oh gee look who's back
YOU WERE RUNNING FROM A CARTOON RABBIT
YOU LOSER
AHAHAHAHA
the fourth wall does not stand up for very long when warner bros. is involved.
CAN IT GRAPEY
bugs does not quip 'can it' but instead just goes 'look who's talking.' YES BUGS WE'RE AWARE, YOU DON'T NEED TO BEAT THE DEAD HORSE THAT IS THE NOW CRUMBLED FOURTH WALL :| i've never been a huge loony tunes fan, either. in the 80s it was really bad, like almost as bad as it is today.
QUE ES ESTO
A JOINT???
HOW'D YOU GET STARTED EH?
let me just reiterate? this show ran on a saturday. like, in lue of your normal cartoons for an hour. the target audience was children. kids ten and under. NONE OF US KNEW WHAT A JOINT WAS. in fact for years and years, bugs saying 'a joint?' was just gibberish in my mind because i had no context for it. the words he said were meaningless, and so i assumed i had misheard him. it also causes a really jarring transition because bugs goes from going "oh gee kid you don't look so good" to suddenly being like "YO FUCKER WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM FUCK YOU YOU FILTHY JUNKIE" and it's like whoa what the bugs why are you so mean
quality warner bros animation. you can tell, they have so much practice drawing humans :|
i mean god they're just such artistic geniuses and so capable of variation they're not stuck stagnating on the same designs someone else drew thirty years ago or anything
anyway bugs offers to take him back in time to show that he didn't ever start doing drugs because he wanted to
because nobody ever does drugs because they want to i mean god
nobody WANTS to do drugs why is this saying no stuff so hard
michael's spine is now doing its own kind of wiggly dance
this is the true danger of drugs
BATHOSPHERE
TIME MACHINE
SAME THING REALLY
all aboard
michael essentially remains in this pose for the rest of the time warner bros is animating. because they just give up on drawing five fingered hands or any anatomy that isn't a bean with noodles for limbs
HAHA BOOK TIME MACHINE HAHA BUGS SO FUNNY
no child in the 80s liked loony tunes
abruptly, we cut back to michael's house where his mom and dad are hanging out. i really, really want to go on a lengthy rant about how the fact that the mother has blonde hair and the father has brown really should have resulted in both children having brown hair but fklsafdsfasdf i won't. i promise.
the dad comments how there's a couple beers missing from the fridge.
the mom says "you probably drank them watching football last night."
the father just accepts this and wanders off.
DUDE.
IF YOUR HOUSEHOLD HAS PEOPLE UNABLE TO REMEMBER HOW MUCH BEER THEY DRANK THE NIGHT BEFORE?
I THINK THE DRUG USE BY A TEENAGER IS REALLY A SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING MUCH MORE DIRE
honey get that filthy bear off the table
also is your brother acting like he's on drugs? i think he acts like he's on drugs.
no mom i'msu-WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
michael's been storing his hits of acid inside raw eggs?
pooh briefly debates the wisdom of the kid not telling her mother she also thinks her brother has a problem.
he does point out that sure, he might get mad at her for telling, but there could be a larger problem there for HIM. again, why is pooh the voice of wisdom in this?
i was going to compliment the pooh cartoon animation studio (disney?) on their ability to draw humans, but then the kid just went totally lazy-eyed on me and i decided to withold my compliment.
are you done reading that shitty manual yet
we've been in here for like an hour
i'd like you to reverse time and give me THAT HOUR OF MY LIFE BACK
yeah whatever shut up let's time travel
THE PAST
one of the quips i actually DO like from this that bugs says is "listen kid, this is the past. and the past is in black and white, get it?"
i'm sure they thought that would be really clever in the sense of like all previous actions are either good or bad when you view them with hindsight but i took it to be much more literal than that and have always just secretly thrilled when flashbacks are black & white without any reason.
why can't anyone see us in this enormous blue bathosphere?
SHUT UP AND LOOK, I'M GOING TO SHAME YOU.
nice jump catch, stupid
bugs is your hateful language really warrented i mean i thought you were trying to help me give up drugs, not make me wallow in self loathing until i wanted more drugs
michael is conveniently marked by the M on his shirt
OH NO
OLDER KIDS
YOU GUYS CRUISIN FOR LUNG CANCER, OR WHAT?
who says this
also why is it 1950, unless michael's past has a serious case of time dialation and it's taken him thirty years to age three years.
HOLD IT IN BRO HOLD IT IN
BLEEAAAAAGH
oh yeah thanks for barfing on my shoes
i totally want to try drugs with you now
michael you good
yeah no i'm good
puff puff pass
YOU SURE YOU'RE GOOD
actually they start calling him scared and a chicken at this point. BECAUSE PEOPLE DESPERATELY WANT YOU TO USE THEIR DRUGS
THAT COST THEM MONEY
AND ARE OF FINITE SOURCE
PLEASE SMALL CHILD, DO SOME OF MY DRUGS. I WON'T HAVE THEM LATER BUT YOU'LL BE AN ADDICT AND THAT'S WORTH IT TO ME.
a situation that does not occur in reality: this one
michael protests to bugs that he didn't want the older kids to think he was a wimp. bugs yells at him "better a wimp than an all day sucker!"
bugs
these events have already transpired
why are you harping on him over things in the past i mean jesus christ what is this highschool internet drama?
you know when you're in a room where one person is repeatedly calling you a moron and a sucker
and one person is patting you on the shoulder going 'it's okay dude, it's okay'
you are really not going to listen to the one spewing insults
just sayin'
intervention works a lot better when you try to get the point across that you are concerned and care about someone and value them. it DOESN'T work when you lace it with language implying you think they've never been very smart.
IF EVERYONE WAS JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU GO TOO? you heard this a lot as a kid in the 80s. at least i did. i don't even know why. probably because i was friends with someone who got into a lot of trouble doing things like chasing hte preschool teachers on a tricycle and throwing action figures into the fan to watch them explode and digging holes all over the back yard and stealing parachute men from the supermarket and stuff.
anyway bugs doesn't even wait for michael to respond to that and just goes
HUH GUESS YOU WOULD, WOULDNT YOU. NOT VERY BRIGHT. DEFINATELY NOT ONE OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST THINKERS.
see also: insulting people when you're trying to help them does not work
jesus is that a cigar sized joint
that thing is huge as hell
michael i need to talk to you about your new boyfriend
i don't trust him
bugs really is an insulting abraisive little bitch
i mean i know that's his character but still
you could have picked someone less hostile to deliver these anti-drug morals :\
NO KISSING IN THE BATHOSPHERE
here have a bicycle pump
while i attempt to deliver a point about drug use.
bugs says drugs make you feel good for a while, but that's only temporary, because sooner or later....
and then he just leaves off talking
SOONER OR LATER?????????
ah, i see. sooner or later drugs cause you to simply explode.
meanwhile back at the house
michael's father has finally found the clit
the kid tries to tell him her brother's acting weird, and he just brushes it off by saying being weird is part of being a teenager.
you know i have to agree with him on that count
teenagers are weird as hell, it's really best not to take much of their weirdness too seriously.
but rather than explain flat out he's stealing her money and has a box he won't let her look in and has bloodshot eyes she just gives up
GIVING UP
THE SIGN OF A TRUE HERO
looks like bugs' lesson about drug abuse went really well. no, to be fair, i'd want to go right out and do drugs after that too. bugs is a douchebag.
you know say one thing for michael
he may be on drugs but at least he's not a racist
blonde girl muses out loud that for ten bucks she can get some crack
DID YOU SAY CRACK?
I'M C-C-C-CRAZY FOR CRACK, SISTER, HOOK IT UP
wait ten bucks i was under the impression crack was a lot more expensive than ten bucks
even michael knows crack is bad news and is OUT
mostly because michael is nobody's fool
smokedude tries to convince him otherwise
you know when the cartoon personifications of your addiction are actually capable of removing your comically large wallet from your pants
i think your problems have outstripped simple drug use
OH WAS THAT YOURS OOPS
friends who steal your wallet
are the best friends to have
seriously this is the point where you go well that person is a scumbag
call the cops
and let them deal with what is now theft
manholes
huh what cartoon involved a lot of manholes
NO NOT HEMAN
oh right! MY FAVOURITE TRIDACTYL CRIME FIGHTERS!
WOOOOOOOOOOPS
with no legs, how will we stop smokeman?
i see. but will it work, mike?
of course it will!
jesus christ that is one psychadellic sewer
even for ninja turtles
MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE
micheangelo as many know
is a party dude
he also has the stereotypical southern cali surfer accent. he's also kind of a spacey goofball. so really, he is the turtle who was undoubtably supposed to hint at being a stoner. but you know we can't have mike condoning drug use so instead he's here in cartoon all stars to the rescue
and god DAMN is he being sarcastic
i mean it, he could put raphael to shame.
COWABUNGA, DUDE. LIKE HOW DID YOU EVER GET SO TOTALLY COOL :|
michael wonders out loud how he wound up in a sewer. well you fell down a manhole for one
AW MAAAAAN YOU GOT MY SMOKE ALL WET
NOW IT'S GONNA MUTATE AW MAAAAN MAAAAAAAN
mike also insults michael's intelligence. there's some comments about how his brain "must be like, really messed up" etc. this really is a running theme. cartoon characters insult michael's intelligence and in the same breath tell him to get off drugs. i think even a year one psyche student can tell you that's not kosher.
this entire sequence is also animated really poorly. i mean mike is fine, and michael's lipflaps are fine. but the smoke guy's tail cycles through maybe like three frames of animation and when he talks his mouth doesn't move AT ALL.
i guess the ninja turtles animation studio was not exactly sold on the idea of alienating stoners when the connotation of 'mutants' for hippies was still fairly strong. i mean the whole point of turtles was that you could be a 'mutant' and an outcast but still do good even if society wasn't ready to accept you for what you were.
michelangelo was my favourite turtle.
i also used to get like mega ultra hyped up watching turtles. i'd be vaulting furniture and running around like a total spaz for hours afterwards doing little ninja kicks in the living room. IT WAS POSSIBLY THE BEST CARTOON ON SATURDAY MORNING TV IN MY BOOK
smokeman protests that drugs don't do anything to your brain, they just make you feel good
...i think even CHILDREN know that the brain is where good feelings come from, so to get good feelings the brain is INVOLVED SOMEWHERE IN THE PROCESS
you know what i've had it with your bullshit
also my animation studio is tried of being involved
this scene is over, kid
OVER
directly contributing to my excessive use of the word 'dude' for the rest of my life: turtles
wait are you flushing us down a psychadellic sewer drain
maybe
does this make anyone else want rainbow sherbert?
it really makes me want rainbow sherbert. maybe it's the purple + orange combinaton.
one of several "help i am drowning in a tube" sequences in this. there are more. and there are weirder ones.
OW
OH GOD I THINK I BROKE MY TAILBONE
WHERE THE FUCK AM I
hi, you're in the hands of dic and henson now. why henson of all people is on board to villify drug use we'll never know, but we suspect it has to do with pressure from the government on all childrens' shows and henson at least felt like the animation department would get to have fun with this.
and boy, do they ever
ahhaahhaha god just something about this is hilarious
not in a bad tween kind of way just naturally hilarious all by itself
kermit just like oh godddddd why did i invite piggy along with meeee
PIGGY STOP SCREAMING I DON'T HAVE EXTERNAL EARS AND IT'S REALLY HURTING MY MEMBRANES
sssso. so. i did forget to mention, but michael is now in the human brain.
yes.
they are riding on a rollar coaster, taking a ride through the human brain.
this is actually pretty standard stuff for muppet babies, nothing out of the ordinary about it yet.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ROLLAR COASTERRRRRRR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
this is all sort of interspersed with kermit talking about how drugs can take you up but for every up there's a down etc. it's just difficult to actually pay attention to that as a child, because for the entire sequence, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST SCREAMING UNCONTROLLABLY OVER KERMIT. and kermit is screaming his lines. so it just turns into kind of an auditory pile of screaming gibberish while they rocket around the severely trippy looking Human Brain
i'd like to visit my brain if it looked like that
kind of like some sort of weird organic alien caves
i would not ride my brain's rollar coaster though
i do not like rollar coasters
it's the vertigo feeling really
at this point crazy lightning storms start happening all over the place. michael asks what's wrong and what's happening
FRISBEES AND MOLOCULES ARE ATTACKING
IT'S JUST YOUR MEMORIES OF RECESS AND CHEM CLASS, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
actually kermit says these are drugs, and this is what drugs do to your brain.
i guess there's some truth to that? i mean they do induce electrical and chemical impulses that weren't previously there but is it really that dramatic?
huh storm's over. that wasn't so bad.
piggy's face you guys
piggy's face
oh hey gonzo what are you doing here
wait YOU'RE the one designing this version of the human brain and its subsequent reaction to drugs?
...that explains a lot
this is me you guys
this is me all day every day
NO DON'T ELECTROCUTE GONZO THE GREA- oh wait he probably enjoys it nevermind
i guess you could say we're experiencing a
brain storm
hahaha thank you thank you i'll be here all night
i'm 90% sure this guy was a villian in some arcade shooter
that or he's a marshmellow in count chocula or booberry cereal
HAZY DRAGONS AAAAAAAA DRUGS ARE HORRIFYING
piggy just wants this shit over with already
WELCOME
TO THE AMEOBA ZONE
so it's come to my realization that i'm actually out of space in this entry! i'll continue with the rest of the images in the next post. hang onto your butts, because we still haven't had a musical interlude about saying no yet.
On to part two?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-03-22 04:49 pm (UTC)does anyone remember alf?"
The year after you left Japan, NHK Educational started showing episodes of ALF.
I. I don't know why.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-03-22 04:50 pm (UTC)i think my mind just kind of
turned into a klein bottle thinking about that.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-03-22 10:18 pm (UTC)