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remain calm
Mar. 3rd, 2025 01:37 pmhere we are in march... another month of america having the copper pipes & wiring torn out of her rotted basement and sold. sheesh. i decided to watch that HBO chernobyl miniseries from last year and also the Ukranian documentary Chernobyl.3828 and hey, so, like, this sense of everything being /very dire/ but everyone in power acting like it's no biggie and focusing on red tape & decorum is really very familiar. hm.
uhh unrelated to pervasive anxiety, got half my wisdom teeth removed last monday & i'm healing up good from that. they didn't put me out, tho for the other half i get to try nitros oxide. that'll be later...this month i think? i guessed i wouldn't be too bothered by the pain of extraction, but everyone talked a lot abt their pain afterwards so i was a bit concerned. shouldn't have been! as usual, didn't even need painkillers. seriously, i think i'm allowed to just say i don't need them now that i've had a double masectomy to remove stage 3 cancer with sentinal node biopsy and was up and walking around within 6 hours and refusing pain meds because i only felt "a little sore."
the True source of this, i think, is that when you're born with the kind of body that subjects you to monthly periods, you're absolutely trained to ignore debilitating pain. i had friends who literally fainted from their cramp pain, in the street. but i was never given any care response to my pain (probably PCOS, when they did remove my ovaries there was a lot of scarring evident from cysts rupturing on the outside. yep, just rupturing cysts inside on top of my gonads once a month) i learned to force my mind past it. this was also helped by the fact that since i was a /very/ little kid i was absolutely smitten with the idea of "mind over matter" in response to pushing your mind to overcome physical limits. so pain that probably would have hospitalized someone who wasn't born with an innie was just dissociated past every month of my life for a good 25 years.
it does make me wonder what a traumatic breaking bone feels like (i've only ever had surgeons break a bone, to fix the onchondroma on my dominant hand index finger) and what being shot feels like. but, given how america is headed, i may find out about that sooner rather than later...
wow, dark tone. i am sorry yall. i know this is far from the first country to witness fascists seize power and throw what was an obvious slow crawl of death to an accelerated nosedive decline. it's as they say - the old world is dying, the new world is struggling to be born. this is the time of monsters.
painting (ive been posting them in the shop) has helped a lot. i grabbed some cheap acrylic paint pens and have been mixing them with my tube acrylics on small canvases. it's been cheaper and more theraputic than trying to explain to a cisgender heterosexual trauma therapist what it feels like to be me right now. it still feels a lot like 'family abandons you because you noticed the sky was on fire' but like. what can i say. that'll be their sin to carry into the future, they've chosen to be haunted by me and so it will come to pass. my father, who right until trump years i could only ever praise, has got it into his head that because i told him it's dangerous to misgender me (with examples of why!) in the deep south, i've called him a transphobe. i have never called him a transphobe, but he's decided i have. he picked that mantle for himself. and he'll also tell me he's 'used' to not talking to me now and so doesnt need me in his life..... then message me on a holiday to wish me well? literally what am i supposed to do besides go "ok, boomer" and move on with my life? it's like entirely his choice at this point, entirely out of my power, and so really doesn't involve me in spite of being about me (like a lot of choices current elders make for those below them...) pretend i inserted a series of shrugging emojis here.
so emotionally: times are tough
physically: sawrite. itll be cool when all the wis teeth are out.
socially??? it seems like most of the people around me, in shops or whatever, since i can't help but come across Really Queer? they seem like theyre trying to be nicer. like, it seems like the temp of the average american wrt this administration is: they're shocked, they didn't actually think it would be -this hostile- and they're sorry they underestimated it.
it's easy to quote the leopards eating faces thing, certainly, but for those of you not american (or young american) lemme explain a thing to u - normally shit moves so slow. normally your political figure makes outlandish overblown claims during election season, and everyone sort of smirks and nods and goes 'yeah, right, so like 10% of that is really what they mean' and 10% of their word is what you get. like i have rainbow obama stickers floating around but barry didn't make it illegal to withhold medication to trans prisoners in federal prisons. so this kind of like 'we are gonna round up all the brown folk and throw them over the border' talk ... they didnt take it serious cuz theyve been indoctrinated /not/ to. decades of indoctrination. decades of training in complicancy and believing a political candidate will not keep their promises.
here we are, usa. fucked around n found out huh.
anyway i highly reccomend calling anyone flying trump flags a nazi because they really dislike that. maybe even let the whole world know theyre a nazi somehow.
i'm sitting here with a plastic bag of my teeth and a plastic bin of paint and a cooling cup of coffee and what i really wanted to say with this entire long ramble was... i haven't heard from my prison penpal in weeks. if our rights are looking bad on the outside, i want you to think about folks who already are having their human rights withheld. she also got some bad news recently (not unexpected, but still) and so i worry.
oh. right.
and there's this whole thing.
did you know that as of mmmm *checks watch* now, you can no longer use your united states birth certificate as a form of valid united states identification, UNLESS it has the FULL NAME of BOTH parents on it?
yeah. that one ties to trying to entrap migrant families with natural born children. source: the memo circulated to my spouse's boss and her peers, postmasters of USPS locations, urging them to snitch on any migrant family trying to get a child a passport.
i'm struggling to get my Papers, Please in order because of this and it's only a little bit deeply concerning.
tho i was relieved to see zelenskyy walk out of a bad deal. you don't make a deal with a bully and a terrorist. especially when they refuse to give you assurances the abuse will stop. shame he had to wait this long to learn the obvious lesson - that he was only ever a pawn to our leaders - but at least he's smart enough to say Fuck This and Fuck You For Trying It. hang in there, eastern europe. hang in there.
a friend abroad asked what they could best do to help vulnerable americans right now. frankly, that's a big question. we've been brainwashed into believing in rugged individualism and believing that the rest of the world hates us, so to be vulnerable enough to ask for help is quite a task. and WHAT to ask? i feel like that is going to vary for individuals. but i would say that offering a sympathetic ear is probably the best place to begin. listen carefully, learn how to let go of the anxiety we share but hold to the tangible problems that maybe can be solved. for some folks that may be a need for money, because cost of living is about to skyrocket. for some folks maybe it's more like information like 'where do i begin to immigrate' (spoiler: The Embassy/Consulate. you always begin here with immigration questions. call them right up and just ask no joke. if ur abroad u seek the american one and if ur in the US u seek the one of the country you want to go to) - basically, just try to make a show of being here as an ally, because the average american is suddenly getting a crash course in how it feels to be an average russian.
listen. we -are- in this together, if we -elect- to be in it together. and we are stronger together. white americans, especially, lack a sense of true community and unity and this is why theyve been so easily splintered off and turned against their own interests. you are not alone in it, many folks have been in this fight for years before you. its okay to be horrified now the veil has fallen from your eyes but do not let it paralyze you from finding some way to join the fight and learn how to best use your unique skills and assets. it begins with learning to live with being wrong without having to act like a kicked puppy abt it, it moves up when u learn to accept suggestions from people who have more experience in a crisis than you on how to use the resources that have been dispreportionately afforded to you. in this realm we have no room for personal swan songs. there is no more time.
be sorry, do better, move the needle.
if we all make it out alive, then there'll be time enough later listen to people who want forgiveness.
fml ive been writing this for ages and i havent even got to talking about working on hi res versions of arc 9 or getting a sunday AA slot at Furcationland or going to the indie horror convention or anything. i guess i felt like addressing the heavy mood was more important.
but i look forward to the snow melting, because i have flowers to grow.
i'll see you again, then, reader.
uhh unrelated to pervasive anxiety, got half my wisdom teeth removed last monday & i'm healing up good from that. they didn't put me out, tho for the other half i get to try nitros oxide. that'll be later...this month i think? i guessed i wouldn't be too bothered by the pain of extraction, but everyone talked a lot abt their pain afterwards so i was a bit concerned. shouldn't have been! as usual, didn't even need painkillers. seriously, i think i'm allowed to just say i don't need them now that i've had a double masectomy to remove stage 3 cancer with sentinal node biopsy and was up and walking around within 6 hours and refusing pain meds because i only felt "a little sore."
the True source of this, i think, is that when you're born with the kind of body that subjects you to monthly periods, you're absolutely trained to ignore debilitating pain. i had friends who literally fainted from their cramp pain, in the street. but i was never given any care response to my pain (probably PCOS, when they did remove my ovaries there was a lot of scarring evident from cysts rupturing on the outside. yep, just rupturing cysts inside on top of my gonads once a month) i learned to force my mind past it. this was also helped by the fact that since i was a /very/ little kid i was absolutely smitten with the idea of "mind over matter" in response to pushing your mind to overcome physical limits. so pain that probably would have hospitalized someone who wasn't born with an innie was just dissociated past every month of my life for a good 25 years.
it does make me wonder what a traumatic breaking bone feels like (i've only ever had surgeons break a bone, to fix the onchondroma on my dominant hand index finger) and what being shot feels like. but, given how america is headed, i may find out about that sooner rather than later...
wow, dark tone. i am sorry yall. i know this is far from the first country to witness fascists seize power and throw what was an obvious slow crawl of death to an accelerated nosedive decline. it's as they say - the old world is dying, the new world is struggling to be born. this is the time of monsters.
painting (ive been posting them in the shop) has helped a lot. i grabbed some cheap acrylic paint pens and have been mixing them with my tube acrylics on small canvases. it's been cheaper and more theraputic than trying to explain to a cisgender heterosexual trauma therapist what it feels like to be me right now. it still feels a lot like 'family abandons you because you noticed the sky was on fire' but like. what can i say. that'll be their sin to carry into the future, they've chosen to be haunted by me and so it will come to pass. my father, who right until trump years i could only ever praise, has got it into his head that because i told him it's dangerous to misgender me (with examples of why!) in the deep south, i've called him a transphobe. i have never called him a transphobe, but he's decided i have. he picked that mantle for himself. and he'll also tell me he's 'used' to not talking to me now and so doesnt need me in his life..... then message me on a holiday to wish me well? literally what am i supposed to do besides go "ok, boomer" and move on with my life? it's like entirely his choice at this point, entirely out of my power, and so really doesn't involve me in spite of being about me (like a lot of choices current elders make for those below them...) pretend i inserted a series of shrugging emojis here.
so emotionally: times are tough
physically: sawrite. itll be cool when all the wis teeth are out.
socially??? it seems like most of the people around me, in shops or whatever, since i can't help but come across Really Queer? they seem like theyre trying to be nicer. like, it seems like the temp of the average american wrt this administration is: they're shocked, they didn't actually think it would be -this hostile- and they're sorry they underestimated it.
it's easy to quote the leopards eating faces thing, certainly, but for those of you not american (or young american) lemme explain a thing to u - normally shit moves so slow. normally your political figure makes outlandish overblown claims during election season, and everyone sort of smirks and nods and goes 'yeah, right, so like 10% of that is really what they mean' and 10% of their word is what you get. like i have rainbow obama stickers floating around but barry didn't make it illegal to withhold medication to trans prisoners in federal prisons. so this kind of like 'we are gonna round up all the brown folk and throw them over the border' talk ... they didnt take it serious cuz theyve been indoctrinated /not/ to. decades of indoctrination. decades of training in complicancy and believing a political candidate will not keep their promises.
here we are, usa. fucked around n found out huh.
anyway i highly reccomend calling anyone flying trump flags a nazi because they really dislike that. maybe even let the whole world know theyre a nazi somehow.
i'm sitting here with a plastic bag of my teeth and a plastic bin of paint and a cooling cup of coffee and what i really wanted to say with this entire long ramble was... i haven't heard from my prison penpal in weeks. if our rights are looking bad on the outside, i want you to think about folks who already are having their human rights withheld. she also got some bad news recently (not unexpected, but still) and so i worry.
oh. right.
and there's this whole thing.
did you know that as of mmmm *checks watch* now, you can no longer use your united states birth certificate as a form of valid united states identification, UNLESS it has the FULL NAME of BOTH parents on it?
yeah. that one ties to trying to entrap migrant families with natural born children. source: the memo circulated to my spouse's boss and her peers, postmasters of USPS locations, urging them to snitch on any migrant family trying to get a child a passport.
i'm struggling to get my Papers, Please in order because of this and it's only a little bit deeply concerning.
tho i was relieved to see zelenskyy walk out of a bad deal. you don't make a deal with a bully and a terrorist. especially when they refuse to give you assurances the abuse will stop. shame he had to wait this long to learn the obvious lesson - that he was only ever a pawn to our leaders - but at least he's smart enough to say Fuck This and Fuck You For Trying It. hang in there, eastern europe. hang in there.
a friend abroad asked what they could best do to help vulnerable americans right now. frankly, that's a big question. we've been brainwashed into believing in rugged individualism and believing that the rest of the world hates us, so to be vulnerable enough to ask for help is quite a task. and WHAT to ask? i feel like that is going to vary for individuals. but i would say that offering a sympathetic ear is probably the best place to begin. listen carefully, learn how to let go of the anxiety we share but hold to the tangible problems that maybe can be solved. for some folks that may be a need for money, because cost of living is about to skyrocket. for some folks maybe it's more like information like 'where do i begin to immigrate' (spoiler: The Embassy/Consulate. you always begin here with immigration questions. call them right up and just ask no joke. if ur abroad u seek the american one and if ur in the US u seek the one of the country you want to go to) - basically, just try to make a show of being here as an ally, because the average american is suddenly getting a crash course in how it feels to be an average russian.
listen. we -are- in this together, if we -elect- to be in it together. and we are stronger together. white americans, especially, lack a sense of true community and unity and this is why theyve been so easily splintered off and turned against their own interests. you are not alone in it, many folks have been in this fight for years before you. its okay to be horrified now the veil has fallen from your eyes but do not let it paralyze you from finding some way to join the fight and learn how to best use your unique skills and assets. it begins with learning to live with being wrong without having to act like a kicked puppy abt it, it moves up when u learn to accept suggestions from people who have more experience in a crisis than you on how to use the resources that have been dispreportionately afforded to you. in this realm we have no room for personal swan songs. there is no more time.
be sorry, do better, move the needle.
if we all make it out alive, then there'll be time enough later listen to people who want forgiveness.
fml ive been writing this for ages and i havent even got to talking about working on hi res versions of arc 9 or getting a sunday AA slot at Furcationland or going to the indie horror convention or anything. i guess i felt like addressing the heavy mood was more important.
but i look forward to the snow melting, because i have flowers to grow.
i'll see you again, then, reader.
