just say smurf.
Jun. 5th, 2012 12:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
not_funknow what i haven't done in a while? a new propaganda post.
del told me she hated the smurfs, and that seems like a good place to start. the smurfs was a kind of bland kids show, really. it was inoffensive at best and kinda boring at worst. if you were like me and were really watching saturday morning cartoons for the ninja turtles ghost busters actionactionaction in the 80s and 90s, you probably sat through the smurfs because...well, it was still cartoons.
for the record there's a lot of people out there who like to say the smurfs are communist propaganda. i personally don't think they are, though the story could easily be reappropriated as such. but for the sake of humor i may in fact make jokes about smurf village being communist. just know that i don't believe it.
anyway as i've said many times before, 80s/90s toons were obligated through some shady nonsense to do anti-drug episodes. the smurfs were no exception. join me now as we watch smurfs deal with the dangers of rubbing balls too much.
as always let me toss this disclaimer in here. i don't advocate drug use, but i don't think there's anything wrong with it either. it's your body, it's your choice, and that's how it should be. policing morality does nothing but breed weak moral fibre. if you're old enough to vote, drink, buy pornography and go to jail for hurting others you should be considered adult enough to do drugs and deal with the consequences too.
besides, why are SOME drugs (alcohol, tabacco, caffeine) okay when others with equal intoxicating properties and fewer negative impacts on your health not okay? i dunno. makes no sense. AND THATS MY SOAPBOX GOODNIGHT EVERYONE
NOW FOR SOME SMURFS TOUCHING BALLS
it's the big spring pagent in smurf village, and everyone is balls to the wall busy getting ready. if you didn't watch smurfs as a kid or are otherwise unfamiliar with them let me give you a quick primer: they all look fucking identical. sometimes there's minor differences to help you tell them apart (like a tattoo or a pencil behind the ear) but mostly you tell them apart by voices. also they're usually named after what their job is.
like here we have PAINTER SMURF. working on his MASTERPIECE WORK for the spring pagent, THE HUNDRED SMURFS. i personally only counted about ten on his canvas but since there's no Teacher Smurf i can't really blame Painter.
OUTTA THE WAY, FARMER HAS TO GET THIS DUNG TO HIS FIELDS.
papa smurf is checking in to make sure everything is going well. with smurfette.
smurfette isn't a real smurf, by the way. gargamel made her via magic to lure smurfs into his house so that he could eat them. but then she turned good. there are no naturally occuring female smurfs, which begs the question: where do they come from? how do they reproduce? WHAT ARE SMURFS? WE SIMPLY DON'T KNOW.
papa smurf's red outfit is prettymuch the backbone of why people say it's a communism metaphor. that and his beard is supposed to suggest marx? but marx's beard looked nothing like that.
i guess also the fact that all smurfs are named via their job title is a little communist, but that's less an actual feature of that form of government and more a byproduct. if you're extremely good at something it's considered uncool to take that credit as your own, because it should belong to all of your comrades. which is why the scientists and geniuses behind the russian space program were, for many years, nameless to the western world. ANYWAY SORRY BACK TO SMURFS
this is poet smurf's house
poet smurf's house looks like every fucking other smurf's house
poet is hard at work on his spring pagent poem which so far just goes "oh i love the sounds of spring."
i do not think much of poet's poetry.
tailor smurf it is rude to run up behind people and grab their butts
see poet is not happy
I WAS USING THAT ARM.
but poet there isn't even any ink on your feather. or even a point on it. you're not even writing anything you're just-
I WAS USING IT GET OUT
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME
AND THE ANGELS WEEP TEARS OF BLOOD
THE WALL OF MY PAIN IS VINED IN RAZOR WIRE
LOCKED AWAY FROM THE WORLD
that's one hell of a fart
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY THAT OUTSIDE MY OPEN WINDOW
PBBBBBRLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO WHAT SORRY MAN DIDNT HEAR YOU
sound effect: explosion
OH NO MY INK
to be fair, i live in constant fear of my water for paint spilling across my desk. chaotic panic usually follows any workspace spill.
WHO THE FUCK IS SETTING OFF N2 ROCKETS
I DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR DEADLINE FOR SHOOTING THAT DOG INTO SPACE IS
great, jokey smurf's been listening to bob marley again.
i think jokey smurf was probably the only reason i tolerated this show as a child. jokey's whole schitck is that he hands people presents ("surprises") that explode and then laughs uncontrollably at them. i really liked jokey's sense of humor. utterly sadistic. like he knew the only people laughing were him and this totally absent audience. JOKEY SMURF: BEST SMURF
jesus fucking christ who the fuck do i have to kill to get some downtime to write this fucking poem mother fucking fuckfuckfuck
poet has some rage issues
so he heads out to the forest for a second attempt at writing his spring poem.
i follow that logic. nice quiet babbling brook, natural sounds. i mean if you're writing a poem about nature...
he's a special frog
be considerate of his needs
poet
poet focus
POET FOCUS
see me if i were writing a poem about spring sounds
and some birds were shrieking their heads off above me
i would
write
about
that
FREAKING OUUUUUUUT
OVER BIIIIIRDS
WHOOO
WHOO FUCKERS
WHY AM I AWAKE IN THE DAYTIME
WHOOOOO
i guess to be fair smurfs aren't very large. an owl would be a little concerning.
and then i told him dave, that's no elm tree, that's my SISTER!
oh carl you're the worst
QUIEEEEEJKGLAJ:GHA:NB:KSDNFBABBGAAAAAA
poet knows you laughed at him in that last screencap
and he is not happy, let me tell you.
anyway, back to the grind.
sounds of spring, sounds of spring...
jeez i wish i hadn't told all those animals to stop making spring sounds, it sure is hard to find inspiration.
i know it's been a while coming and by now you're all going OKAY SO WHEN DOES THIS BECOME A PROPAGANDA
it becomes one right
NOW!
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
apparently nobody ever told poet to give a hoot and not fucking pollute the fucking forest
i'm not sure where why or when lumpy potato woman here set out into the woods. i'm not sure what she was looking for out here either. but she sure seems to think that poet smurf will DO PERFECTLY!
SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
it must be nice to be an evil drug dealing witch. you just wander around the woods all day looking for people who look stressed out.
AAAAAAA OH GOD YOU'RE HIDEOUS CHANGE BACK
the witch introduces herself as allura. i don't know why poet's even talking to her because if some crazy strange princess who is, may i remind you, only about three inches high walked up to me in my local forest? which is part of a larger human kingdom? and i'd never seen her before or heard of her? I'D BE SUSPICIOUS.
I MEAN THERE IS A MAN LIVING NEARBY WITH MAGIC POWERS WHO SPECIFICALLY WANTS TO EAT YOU
talking to strangers
what could go wrong?
please note that poet is not yet on drugs
allura gently caresses a box she's produced out of fucking nowhere
magical glowing energy ball! only 9.99$! call now!
doubles as a pillow!
oh shit i need that
where's my debit card
allura tells poet that the magical glowing ball will fill him with energy and inspiration, and it is a gift from her to him. HMMMMM. IN SPITE OF YOU LAMPSHADING THIS AS A MAGIC ORB, SMURFS, THE "FIRST ONE IS FREE" AND "ITLL MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT" ARGUMENT IS PRETTY TELLING
wall-eyed allura's instructions on activating the orb are to hold it between your hands
i would have just said 'hold it' but maybe allura has very specific ball fondling fetish. it's possible.
poet debates. SHOULD HE TRY THE MAGICAL ENERGIZING INSPIRING MOOD CHANGING FREE GOODFEELING ORB FROM A STRANGER?
fucking of course he should grab that shit son
SHOULD I BE FEELING IT YET
WHEN WILL I BE FEELING IT
captured here: a painting error. i guess they weren't sure whose hands were putting it back, though smurfs have pretty distinct hands. four fingers, very clear palmlines. sorta boxy except at the fingertips.
anyway so poet starts tweaking out and talking really fast. he adlibs a few poem lines too.
"oh how i love the sounds of spring, when birdies croak and froggies sing!"
FEELIN GOOD MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
i guess i should add that this blush effect? does not last long. neither does the half-lidded eyes. i guess they realized it'd just clutter smurf faces when they had to animate them.
poet then just rolls around laughing hysterically for a while and writes some more lines
THE SOUND OF BEAVERS CHEW CHEW CHEWING
AND FLYING OWLS GO AHOOTAHOOTAHOOTA EHEHEHEHE
MAN THANKS CAN I BORROW THIS? I AM TOTEZ GONNA FINISH THIS POEM BY TOMORROW NOW
honestly i don't know why he's so concerned about his poem. it's not like there's any other smurfs who write poetry to compete with. he could just phone this one in if he's really not feeling inspired. write a haiku or something, shit.
JUST AS PLAAAAAAAAAAAANNED >:U
back at the smurf village, everyone's having dinner and just generally complaining that they're sore and tired from working so hard prepping for the spring pagent. except hefty who is totally not tired. but hefty smurf is like the popeye of smurfs so he doesn't even count.
the look of two smurfs who have just discovered smurf droppings on the ground and neither of whom will own up to it as their own
poet skipped dinner, though, and has been writing the whole time.
honestly i don't think this is really a fair indicator of substance -excuse me- magic orb abuse. sometimes when you're inclined towards creative things you just get the inspiration and have to use it NOW.
i mean shit i've had times i get up from bed and grab the sketchbook to script or thumbnail a comic. or seven. teen.
HEY POET WE KNOW YOU'RE WORKING REALLY HARD AND TOLD EVERYONE TO LEAVE YOU ALONE EARLIER BECAUSE THE DISTRACTIONS WERE DRIVING YOU NUTS AND YOUR DEADLINE IS TOMORROW BUT THE WHOOOOOOOLE VILLAGE IS HERE TO SAY COME TO DINNER
poet does not need food
poet has silky, radiant balls to caress instead.
poet and tygra could have some conversations, i bet.
the smurfs are awestruck by poet's balls.
my scripting OCD niggles me at this point because allura instructed poet that to make the orb work he had to hold it BETWEEN his hands
but here he's just holding it up
i just
i can't
if you didn't mean between
don't script between aaaaaugh
only smurfette is weirded out by this ball touching fetish they've all stumbled upon
it's okay smurfette you may never fully understand
it's a love affair that lasts a lifetime
and then when i'm done i just put it in this box see
by the way did you all know you've turned into one-legged green herons
smurfette who has spontaniously spawned a nostril cautions poet against using magic he doesn't know anything about.
that's probably a good caution in a magic using world. you may think this spell dyes your hair red but REALLY! IT'S TURNING YOUR INSIDES INTO LEMON CUSTARD!!!
I HATE THAT THING screams this smurf
who i will just call Hatey because i can't remember his name
his entire character was to just scream that he hated whatever was going on.
WELL FUCK YOU GUYS I'M STILL WRITING MY POEM
I DECIDED TO TURN IT INTO AN EPIC CONQUEST WHERE THE HOOTAHOOTAING OWL GOES TO SLAY THE SINGING FROGGY BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT THE CROAKING BIRD IS THE FROGGY'S MOTHER AND IS LIKE TEN TIMES WORSE THAN THE FROGGY
also if any of you guys want to try a hit feel free
the musician smurf is the first one to give it a shot
of course.
WOW HE'S REALLY STROKING POET'S BALL :O AND IT REALLY SEEMS TO ENERGIZE HIM
so the other smurfs hogpile him.
i think we have here carpenter smurf, painter smurf and...i think that's farmer smurf.
aaaaaaaaaaaaah they all say
I HATE AAAAAAAAAH shouts hatey
i guess tailor is drifting off here, seems to be rubbing his eyes.
MEANWHILE AT SOME LATER UNDISCLOSED POINT IN TIME?
greedy smurf and papa smurf are coming back from the fields with crap to make pies. it always confused me as a child why you'd put greedy smurf in charge of the kitchen. if he's greedy he's probably not going to be making the best food for everyone else, just saving it for himself. just it doesn't seem very...flattering of a name? was chef smurf not available?
hey did you guys see a blue blurr just now or was it just me
OH GOD PAPA SMURF
YOUR EYES
THEYVE FALLEN CLEAN OUT OF YOUR HEAD
NYYYYYYYYOOOOOOM
so farmer is tweaking out hoeing the shit out of his fields at sonic speed, what are the other high-as-fuck smurfs doing?
uhoh
this is a familiar internet story
thanks for helping me find my eyeballs back there greedy
i can't believe farmer actually planted them
though i guess to be fair they do sort of resemble a black-eyed pea.
i think i might soapbox for a minute here excuse me
like i said before at the start i have no real issue either way with drugs. either people use them or they don't, whatever. that goes the same for artists, though i feel it's a really unfair stigma (that the smurfs are perpetuating in this episode) that 'artsy' types are prone to drug use. but i know plenty of really skilled artists who use (not hard) drugs. i don't believe they add anything to the artwork, and i don't believe they detract anything really either.
the problem arises not when an artist does drugs but when an artist begins to depend on drugs to do the art for them. when they sort of abandon the sense of self censorship or any knowledge they may have acquired and just fuck around. i watched this happen to one person and it was really just disappointing. stuff that previously had a nice sense of colour theory just became a hideous smear of poorly matched colours with too much dodge/burn affect applied. It. Sucked.
it's a bit like stephen king i guess. OBVIOUSLY IM NO FAN OF KING but people say again and again that he wasn't the real writer - the real writer was cocaine/alcohol. well shit, no wonder his books suck. if you have no creativity left in your soul and HAVE to depend on outside influences to create anything you need to stop. not just stop the outside influences but stop trying to create, because obviously you are a dried up husk with nothing left. maybe the inspiration will come back. maybe it won't. but abandoning the Self to a let chemicals alone be the driving force behind a creation is Bad Business Practice. end of story.
okay sorry back to the smurfs now.
PAINTER IT'S BEAUTIFUL
YOU'VE BROKEN OUT OF STAUNCH REALISM AND INTO ABSTRACT ART
THE SMURF SOCIETY HAS NEVER HAD ANYTHING BUT THE REALIST ART MOVEMENT BEFORE
PAINTER
PAINTER YOU'VE SINGLEHANDEDLY ADVANCED SOCIETY IN A SINGLE DAY
seriously am i the only one who likes this better than the original he had sketched earlier
i like that even papa smurf seems to kind of like it.
GREEDY CANT BE EXPECTED TO UNDERSTAND
YOULL GET IT SOMEDAY GREEDY, BUT FOR NOW JUST SHUT UP AND ACCEPT THAT SOME ART MAY NOT BE TO YOUR TASTE
your fatty taste
painter why did you paint this
BECAUSE THAT IS THE WAY I FEEEEEEEL
yes perfect
and then painter rockets diagonally through smurf village, straight into a beehive. it was beautiful.
WHY ARE THESE LAST FIFTEEN PAGES ALL ABOUT HOW GREAT THE ORB IS
WHAT WAS I THINKING I CAN'T READ THIS OUT LOUD TO THE OTHER SMURFS
maybe if i replace the word orb with dandilion no one will notice
after a while the other tweaked out smurfs start filing in all tired mumbling how they need to touch the orb again.
ROBOT SMURF ACTIVATE
ROBOT SMURF SAYS ALL IS SMURFY
ALL IS SMURFY
ALL IS SMURFY
ROBOT SMURF WILL NOW DANCE
LA. LA. LA LA. LA LA.
papa smurf contemplates the orb's possible danger to the other smurfs
everyone else just stares in horror because he's clearly beefed one in the process
GIVE ME THIS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT AND IT'S BAD AND DEPENDANCE AND THINGS AND MORALITY
the other smurfs say how they're not feeling so great and don't know if they can deal with living without the orb etc.
also that they're tired.
at this point if i were papa smurf i'd probably postpone this stupid spring pagent, since there's clearly a bigger issue at hand and some of the major staff are having problems. i mean if your stage builder, artist, musician, poet and farmer are all out of commission and you were depending on them to have 1- fields taken care of and 2- entertainment before the pagent wouldn't you just
get other people to plant the field
push the pagent date back
and tell these guys to get some rest?
YOU WILL ALL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THIS ORB
COLD TURKEY
this is why a doctor smurf or a psychologist smurf would have been a good addition to smurf village. papa smurf can not fill both these roles at once with much efficency.
ALL THE TWEAKAS IN THE HOUSE SAY YEYAAA
god damnit poet stop doing lines off the back of your hand
for the longest time i sat staring at this screenshot going DID THEY THROW IN ANOTHER RANDOM NODESCRIPT SMURF TO ROUND OUT THE NUMBERS WHO IS THAT GUY ON THE LEFT
i realized it's the musician smurf
jesus fucking christ it's hard to tell smurfs apart when they don't have props.
if i say all smurfs look the fucking same to me is that smurf racism
poet suggests papa smurf does not have to take the orb because he can use it for a nightlight. whaaa
MOM DONT TAKE THOSE JOINTS ILL ONLY USE THEM TO UH
LIGHT CANDLES WITH YEAH THERE YOU GO
anyway obviously papa smurf doesn't fall for it, and takes the orb back to his house.
i guess smurfs don't really feel the need to have locked chests or anything to hide stuff in cause he just leaves it on his nightstand across the room from his bed.
where carpenter smurf sneaks in and performs the ol' switcharoo
i'd like to know how the other smurfs decided carpenter was the one to go steal the orb back from their patriarcial overlord. did they guilt him into it? CARPENTER YOU SAID YOU'D PUT NEW SHUTTERS ON MY HOUSE LAST. YEAR. YOURE THE ONE GETTING THE ORB YOU *OWE ME*
OKAY GUYS I GOT IT
NOW WE'RE ONLY GONNA TOUCH IT A LITTLE, RIGHT? JUST
JUST ENOUGH TO GET OUR WORK DONE BEFORE THE PAGENT
the day your drug use causes you to make a concerned face is really the day you need to be seeking help, i don't even know what to say about the situation besides that.
OH NO SOMEONE
IS
SPYING
oh it's you.
i guess this really was allura's plan. find some random social animal in the forest, addict one to the orb and then go back home and watch to see if they'll addict others. oh cartoon drug dealers, you so wacky.
meanwhile jokey and smurfette have been picking nonspecific flowers.
did i mention i like jokey
i like jokey
the first thing jokey suggests to smurfette is that she let him make the flowers into an explosive device.
WEEOO WEEEEEOO GANGWAAAAAAAAAAAAY
farmer's newest seed planting method is to just ride around throwing them randomly from the top of a dog.
...my god that sounds like fun.
the purpledaisy massacre claimed thousands of lives that day.
to add insult to injury, farmer flings a smurf turd straight into jokey's head.
>:u
well okay so farmer smurf can't use drugs responsibly, i'm sure SOMEONE can.
musician smurf seems to be conducting still, let's check him out.
ANGRY ANGRY PLAY FASTER MUCH FASTER AAAAA
okay i guess not
aw no i liked your cubist abstract art better painter
this is just too abstract and there's too much brown, it's too earthy and natural to throw pink and purple on like this c'mon man what are you thinking
pick the smurf on drugs
hint: it's not the one who looks like he's on drugs
what are you DOING man?! we were all sort of warming to your break away from staunch realism but this isn't even visually ANYTHING! you've completely abandoned any semblance of what Smurf means or feels like or stands for and are just throwing random paint splotches onto the canvas! this won't be a valid art movement for at least another thirty years, and then only when you package it alongside a pretentious attitude of "if you don't get it you're a fool." it's like the emperor's new clothes of art movements!
YOU JUST DON'T *GET* ME
uh oh. he missed a spot.
i almost typed splot. hehe. splot.
BRUSHES ARE TOO MAINSTREAM
PERFECTION.
AT LEAST FOR THE FEW SECONDS THAT SPATTER WAS STILL SPATTERING. ONCE IT'S ON THE CANVAS AND DRYING IT'S ALL WRONG. IF ONLY I COULD USE SOME SORT OF *ART FORM* TO CAPTURE THE SPATTER'S THREE DIMENSIONAL CHAOS...
I KNOW
I'LL PAINT THE INSIDE OF MY EYELIDS
tailor storms away muttering "ARTISTS. THEY'RE WORSE THAN WRITERS."
every artist/writer in the audience simoltaniously flips their coffee table over in frustration.
wow carpenter smurf
lookin uh
well the stage is lookin', i guess.
hefty asks the very reasonable question of 'if you nail the curtain down, how are we going to open it?'
i'd also be asking about 'if the stage is an entirely uneven mess of boards and nails, how are we going to do anything on it without breaking our ankles?'
OH GOD AAAAAA WHY DID YOU USE WOOD FROM MY TERMITE COLLECTION
oh here's the problem, the stage has absolutely no supporting structures underneith.
as someone who has built some stages in my time trust me when i say it is really hard not to go on a lengthy rant about construction here but suffice to say that you support the SHIT out of the underside of stages because actors/dancers/bands put a LOT of weight and stress on them. also you use a lot of plywood to make the top, not so much 2x4s.
DONT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT CRUNCH WEEK IS
DON'T YOU INTERNS UNDERSTAND THIS IT MEANS MY LIFE IS HELL
FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY STAGE DO NOT GIVE ME NOTES ABOUT FIXING IT IT WILL BE DONE IN TIME FOR THE SHOW NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
this is a normal reaction to theatre work, honestly. no drugs are needed to ellicit it. in fact, usage of drugs applied liberally might stave off violent outbursts by your technicians for a few extra hours/days. food for thought.
also a common site in theatre work: workers just socking out from pure exhaustion and sleeping around the set/scene shop.
MAN MAN PSST
MAN YOU HOME OPEN UP
*knocks shave and a haircut*
I NEED A FIX MAN I JUST REALIZED I THREW A TURD AT JOKEY AND SMURFETTE
you been followed?
no man no i'm good man
spoilers: he was followed by hefty
i have my stash hidden very cleverly you guys
nobody will ever suspect this enormous lump under my tablecloth is anything i'm trying to hide
WHO WANTS TO TOUCH
SOME
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZ
hefty SWOOPS IN and grabs the orb before anyone else can!
and doesn't get high...? maybe you have to hold it for a while, i dunno.
which hefty certainly doesn't cause he'd rather chuck it in the fireplace where it ...explodes?
why didn't papa smurf throw it in fire to begin with?
HE THREW THE ORB IN THE FIREPLACE
GET HIM
I'LL POP YA ONE IN THE KISSER, BRING IT ON
i like how farmer in the background looks like he's just not even interested or involved.
"screw you guys, this is stupid, i'm going back to the field."
WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS TOOK MY FABERGE EGG
HE DID IT
for the last time my faberge egg is not a toy
NOT. A TOY. that was meant to be an investment for the entire smurf village so I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELVES.
just kidding. papa smurf really just told them to get back to work, and that they'd all be better off without theegg orb anyway.
which prompted poet to lead them all out into the woods, looking for allura so they can get another one. farmer smurf does pipe up that maaaaaaaybe they shouldn't be doing this.
why would a smurf be attracted to a humanoid? they aren't even attracted to smurfette!
wait, i think i just answered my own question.
so allura we don't have any money or anything but we need more orbs. can you hook us up?
this is your smurf
this is your smurf on orbs
HORRAY SHE AGREED TO GIVE US FREE DRUGS
spoilers? if you are for some reason talking to a dealer and they tell you they are perfectly willing to give you free drugs you just have to come back to their house teehee you might want to...be cautious? cause that does not in any way sound safe. the only situation i can see that being real in would be one where they then kidnap you and sell you into human slavery.
don't you give me that look i can use the quantifier human before slavery if i want
allura you didn't tell us you lived at the north pole
farmer smurf is not sure if he is okay with this. I DONT THINK I WOULD BE EITHER especially since she never said anything about climbing any precarious snow-capped mountain
HERE'S MY HOUSE
ORB'S RIGHT INSIDE
gee allura this place looks kind of evil
EVIL? NO NO, NO. NOOOOO I'M JUST. DOING SOME REMODELING.
farmer backs out and heads back to the smurf village
why is the smurf who was hurling feces around earlier the only one who seems to realize this is Bad News Bears?
SEE YOU LATER.
CHICKEN.
chicken fink.
go right on in and touch all the balls you want. i can't bring them out to you because uhm. i hurt my back earlier. yeah that's the ticket.
since smurfs are really about the size of a mouse, this makes the orb about the size of...an apple i guess? wouldn't a human notice this mouse-sized castle in the mountains somewhere and just smash into it to take anything good? i think too hard about smurfs.
everyone, touch the glowing wheel of cheese. ooooo
aaaaah
NO NO YOU GUYS CAN TOUCH IT ALL YOU WANT I TOUCHED IT EARLIER I'M GOOD.
REALLY >:]
oh my god what is the orb a depressant or a stimulant
before it made poet blush and get all tweaky. in fact 'all tweaky' describes the majority of its effects aside from seemingly random red-eye. now they've got half-lidded sleepy eyes and blissful grins WHAT IS THE ACTUAL EFFECT OF THE ORB ON THE SMURF NERVOUS SYSTEM OH MY GOD I CANT I DONT IAIJLFSD:A:KFDSF
man thanks allura that was great
i don't know why we all leapt off the back of the pedastal and are walking around the front of it like this instead of walking down the steps but i guess the orb just made us hate stairs or something
ANYWAY BYE
I'M SURE WE'LL FIND OUR WAY HOME HAHA
BABYFACE NELSON ON THE CASE
the smurfs get about ten feet outside of allura's castle before they realize the orb's high is wearing off. wow, it's the cool-whip whippit of magical highs. you know what you say when you realize it's not worth the effort for the chemical rush? you say, "oh well fuck it, i'm going home."
NO YOU IDIOTS NOT BACK INSIDE
HAHA SUCKERS IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH THE ORB AGAIN YOULL HAVE TO PLAY BY MY RUUULES
painter and poet just oh wow you guys i can. i can see into forever, it's like looking into the UNIVERSE.
NOW. KISS ME!
OH GOD YOU'RE UGLY SUDDENLY WE DON'T LIKE THIS SITUATION ANYMORE
god damnit lizard birds, stay out of the witch's wine cellar. you always do this.
the witch with her comically large index finger tells the smurfs that they can still touch the orb all they want, but now they'll have to clean her castle if they want to do so.
i. well uhm. okay. that really doesn't sound very evil. she wanted some servants who she could pay in magical highs? she doesn't really specify any other horrible terms besides 'work' though. it's not like 'work without rest' or 'work and no food' or 'work or i will feed you to my dragonbird' just 'work.'
maybe the witch is just lonely, wanted someone to get high with?
back at the smurf village, lack of carpenter smurf has just caused hefty to build the entire stage HIMSELF.
which begs the question of why wasn't he actually helping carpenter smurf build it in the first place?
farmer's finally made his way back and lets the other smurfs know about castle etc orb etc allura etc.
hefty says he'll handle this, and makes farmer lead him back to the castle.
meanwhile, at the castle...
no you idiots you need to work TOGETHER or you'll just keep pushing the mess into eachothers' areas arg. look no see form a line starting at the back wall and all clean forward at the same time THIS ISNT ROCKET SCIENCE
poet poet
wake up, you're micronapping again. if you keep doing this, freddy's gonna get you.
the witch seems please with their progress but also mocks them in saying they'll never have the willpower to stop using the orb so they'll never be strong enough to just UP AND LEAVE.
man smurfs must really be some weak-moraled pussies because so far she seems to be right
farmer and hefty arrive just in time to see the northern lights
farmer is instructed to stay outside of the castle, because hefty doesn't trust him around any orb. wow, harsh.
ROBOT SMURF TO THE RESCUE BEEP BEEP
WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL CLEANING THE SAME SPOT
WHY ARE YOU CLEANING AROUND THE ORB
JUST GO INTO ANOTHER ROOM I CAN'T
carpenter smurf just gives up and is like WELL ITS HOPELESS THE WITCH IS RIGHT GUESS WE SHOULD JUST TOUCH THE ORB SOME MORE
man you guys are dumb
ROBOT SMURF...HERE?? BUT HOW???
okay i didn't cap it, but hefty basicly just grabs the other smurfs by the hand and drags them out being like LETS JUST GO.
so the moral of the story is if you're stuck in a cycle of drug abuse you have no power whatsoever to break it yourself at any point and should just continue to succumb to your temptations until someone else comes and bails you out. BRILLIANT!
STAY HERE. I'M GOING BACK FOR POET, WHO FOR SOME STUPID REASON DECIDED HE STILL WANTED TO TOUCH THE ORB AND WENT RUNNING BACK INSIDE.
HAWHORWAR HOOOHAHOWAORRRR DURPDURP HWAOWOWRRRRRRR FLOOOORP
no hefty don't run from the goblins at knott's scary farm
they just start chasing you if you do that don't you know anything
STOP TAKING M SMURRRRRRFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSS
oh my god she's throttling my friend to death
but the orb is...right there. maybe just a little touch.
are you seriously trying to punch me? because your arms are like half the length of my fore-arm, what the fuck.
hmm i could throw one of these objects at her...nah
i guess the threat of his friend actually being physically harmed (as opposed to psychologically and emotionally, as FOUR of his friends were ENSLAVED BESIDE HIM?) galvanizes poet into action, and he jostles the orb loose from its stand.
me i'd just grab the bottom of the stand and flip it over but sure whatever.
HEY
HEY YOU PUT THAT MOP DOWN
THAT ORB IS EXPENSIVE
what orb this orb?
OOOOOOOOOOops
so the witch chases after it which...kinda puzzles me. i'll explain more about why in a little bit though.
OH NO OH NO DON'T BREAK DON'T BREAK I HATE CLEANING UP GLASS SHARDS DON'T DON'T
DON'T
fuck
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo my magical orb which i can create more of at will how could this happen
i can't believe you wanted to go back just to touch that stupid thing
god poet so stupid
so stupid poet
but hefty i had a cathardic revelation and saved you, symbolicly destroying the thing that tempted me
so stupid, poet.
AND YOU KIDS STAY OUT
...but is it art?
IT'S. SO. BEAUTIFUL.
poet just staring at him
farmer all 'wh...what, it really spoke to something in me, sorry.'
poet reads one of his many pages of insane poetry which has finally broken out of staunch rhyming couplets full of tired played out imagery. "i love to hear the buzzing fly?! I CANT BELIEVE I WROTE THIS."
thanks for building the stage for me, hefty. otherwise i might feel awkward during this meet-up where we all shame everyone about the things they did in their drug induced stupor.
anyway, poet is so shamed by his goofy ballad that he goes back to the woods to real quick crap out a better one before the pagent WHICH IS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN, BY THE WAY. this one apparently goes something like "i will na'er depend on magic to see my job through"
yep that's a moral you can take home with you kids. especially in a show with so much fucking magic. don't depend on magic. yep. YEP.
boy i sure am glad i had that traumatizing period of drug addiction
it really did give me a lot of experience i can draw upon for writing, now! i'm like the smurf phillip k. dick!
oh what the why are you back
better question, why are you back in disguise when we already know you're a lumpy brown witch thing
hey poet i brought you a little somethingsomething to get you through that last line of your poeeeeeeem
TADAAAAA another orb! and you can have infinate more orbs whenever you want them! i don't know why you'd trust me after what happened, nor do i know why i was so upset that you broke the big orb since i can clearly just conjure these things whenever i fucking feel like it!
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa what did my poem say again daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
OH POEEEEEET ARE YOU OUT HERE SOMEWHERE
HEFTY SAID YOU CANT BE ALONE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MORAL FIBERRRRRRRR
oh good now i don't have to make a choice, i have friends who can tell me what to think and feel instead
allura stop following me
ALLURA STOP FOLLOWING ME
three hours later in the smurf village everyone all "who is that lady? why's she keep asking you to touch her balls?"
"that's allura, used to be my supplier. total drama queen. just wants you to help clean her house, just ignore her."
guys check it out i learned how to blink
wow stupidsmurf that's really good for you why do we let him outside again
TTTTTTOUUCCCCHHHHH MMMMYYYY OOOORRRRRBBBBBBB
just vibrating wildly behind them
HEY LADY NO THANKS BUT
WANT MY SURPRISE ;D
oh how nice what could possibly be inside i'm sure none of you blue things got the word out that i am trouble with a capital T
her hands got blown clean off
hilarious
this is why i love jokey smurf
just EXPLOSIONS WOOOOO
WHY WOULD YOU
WHO DOES THAT
WHO CAREFULLY WRAPS A BOMB TO EXPLODE THE MINUTE YOU PULL THE RIBBON
AND WHY WAS IT A BLEACH BOMB WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU
hey allura
fuck you
the end
so as usual the moral of this propaganda was 'you can never have the willpower to stop any substance abuse on your own, it's best to just surrender completely to your addiction until a friend comes and bails you out. cause that will totally happen every time and addiction by its very nature doesn't push other people out of your life.'
though i guess to be fair, at least this particular propaganda didn't go on one of your classic "YOU BECAME DEPENDANT. ON SOME SORT OF DRUG." tiarade. though lampshading it as 'magic' really doesn't help, because like i said before there is so much magic in the smurf universe that it's like well why should this magic be Bad vs other magic being Good?
who knows. MYSTERIES. hope you enjoyed.
del told me she hated the smurfs, and that seems like a good place to start. the smurfs was a kind of bland kids show, really. it was inoffensive at best and kinda boring at worst. if you were like me and were really watching saturday morning cartoons for the ninja turtles ghost busters actionactionaction in the 80s and 90s, you probably sat through the smurfs because...well, it was still cartoons.
for the record there's a lot of people out there who like to say the smurfs are communist propaganda. i personally don't think they are, though the story could easily be reappropriated as such. but for the sake of humor i may in fact make jokes about smurf village being communist. just know that i don't believe it.
anyway as i've said many times before, 80s/90s toons were obligated through some shady nonsense to do anti-drug episodes. the smurfs were no exception. join me now as we watch smurfs deal with the dangers of rubbing balls too much.
as always let me toss this disclaimer in here. i don't advocate drug use, but i don't think there's anything wrong with it either. it's your body, it's your choice, and that's how it should be. policing morality does nothing but breed weak moral fibre. if you're old enough to vote, drink, buy pornography and go to jail for hurting others you should be considered adult enough to do drugs and deal with the consequences too.
besides, why are SOME drugs (alcohol, tabacco, caffeine) okay when others with equal intoxicating properties and fewer negative impacts on your health not okay? i dunno. makes no sense. AND THATS MY SOAPBOX GOODNIGHT EVERYONE
NOW FOR SOME SMURFS TOUCHING BALLS
it's the big spring pagent in smurf village, and everyone is balls to the wall busy getting ready. if you didn't watch smurfs as a kid or are otherwise unfamiliar with them let me give you a quick primer: they all look fucking identical. sometimes there's minor differences to help you tell them apart (like a tattoo or a pencil behind the ear) but mostly you tell them apart by voices. also they're usually named after what their job is.
like here we have PAINTER SMURF. working on his MASTERPIECE WORK for the spring pagent, THE HUNDRED SMURFS. i personally only counted about ten on his canvas but since there's no Teacher Smurf i can't really blame Painter.
OUTTA THE WAY, FARMER HAS TO GET THIS DUNG TO HIS FIELDS.
papa smurf is checking in to make sure everything is going well. with smurfette.
smurfette isn't a real smurf, by the way. gargamel made her via magic to lure smurfs into his house so that he could eat them. but then she turned good. there are no naturally occuring female smurfs, which begs the question: where do they come from? how do they reproduce? WHAT ARE SMURFS? WE SIMPLY DON'T KNOW.
papa smurf's red outfit is prettymuch the backbone of why people say it's a communism metaphor. that and his beard is supposed to suggest marx? but marx's beard looked nothing like that.
i guess also the fact that all smurfs are named via their job title is a little communist, but that's less an actual feature of that form of government and more a byproduct. if you're extremely good at something it's considered uncool to take that credit as your own, because it should belong to all of your comrades. which is why the scientists and geniuses behind the russian space program were, for many years, nameless to the western world. ANYWAY SORRY BACK TO SMURFS
this is poet smurf's house
poet smurf's house looks like every fucking other smurf's house
poet is hard at work on his spring pagent poem which so far just goes "oh i love the sounds of spring."
i do not think much of poet's poetry.
tailor smurf it is rude to run up behind people and grab their butts
see poet is not happy
I WAS USING THAT ARM.
but poet there isn't even any ink on your feather. or even a point on it. you're not even writing anything you're just-
I WAS USING IT GET OUT
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME
AND THE ANGELS WEEP TEARS OF BLOOD
THE WALL OF MY PAIN IS VINED IN RAZOR WIRE
LOCKED AWAY FROM THE WORLD
that's one hell of a fart
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY THAT OUTSIDE MY OPEN WINDOW
PBBBBBRLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO WHAT SORRY MAN DIDNT HEAR YOU
sound effect: explosion
OH NO MY INK
to be fair, i live in constant fear of my water for paint spilling across my desk. chaotic panic usually follows any workspace spill.
WHO THE FUCK IS SETTING OFF N2 ROCKETS
I DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR DEADLINE FOR SHOOTING THAT DOG INTO SPACE IS
great, jokey smurf's been listening to bob marley again.
i think jokey smurf was probably the only reason i tolerated this show as a child. jokey's whole schitck is that he hands people presents ("surprises") that explode and then laughs uncontrollably at them. i really liked jokey's sense of humor. utterly sadistic. like he knew the only people laughing were him and this totally absent audience. JOKEY SMURF: BEST SMURF
jesus fucking christ who the fuck do i have to kill to get some downtime to write this fucking poem mother fucking fuckfuckfuck
poet has some rage issues
so he heads out to the forest for a second attempt at writing his spring poem.
i follow that logic. nice quiet babbling brook, natural sounds. i mean if you're writing a poem about nature...
he's a special frog
be considerate of his needs
poet
poet focus
POET FOCUS
see me if i were writing a poem about spring sounds
and some birds were shrieking their heads off above me
i would
write
about
that
FREAKING OUUUUUUUT
OVER BIIIIIRDS
WHOOO
WHOO FUCKERS
WHY AM I AWAKE IN THE DAYTIME
WHOOOOO
i guess to be fair smurfs aren't very large. an owl would be a little concerning.
and then i told him dave, that's no elm tree, that's my SISTER!
oh carl you're the worst
QUIEEEEEJKGLAJ:GHA:NB:KSDNFBABBGAAAAAA
poet knows you laughed at him in that last screencap
and he is not happy, let me tell you.
anyway, back to the grind.
sounds of spring, sounds of spring...
jeez i wish i hadn't told all those animals to stop making spring sounds, it sure is hard to find inspiration.
i know it's been a while coming and by now you're all going OKAY SO WHEN DOES THIS BECOME A PROPAGANDA
it becomes one right
NOW!
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
apparently nobody ever told poet to give a hoot and not fucking pollute the fucking forest
i'm not sure where why or when lumpy potato woman here set out into the woods. i'm not sure what she was looking for out here either. but she sure seems to think that poet smurf will DO PERFECTLY!
SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
it must be nice to be an evil drug dealing witch. you just wander around the woods all day looking for people who look stressed out.
AAAAAAA OH GOD YOU'RE HIDEOUS CHANGE BACK
the witch introduces herself as allura. i don't know why poet's even talking to her because if some crazy strange princess who is, may i remind you, only about three inches high walked up to me in my local forest? which is part of a larger human kingdom? and i'd never seen her before or heard of her? I'D BE SUSPICIOUS.
I MEAN THERE IS A MAN LIVING NEARBY WITH MAGIC POWERS WHO SPECIFICALLY WANTS TO EAT YOU
talking to strangers
what could go wrong?
please note that poet is not yet on drugs
allura gently caresses a box she's produced out of fucking nowhere
magical glowing energy ball! only 9.99$! call now!
doubles as a pillow!
oh shit i need that
where's my debit card
allura tells poet that the magical glowing ball will fill him with energy and inspiration, and it is a gift from her to him. HMMMMM. IN SPITE OF YOU LAMPSHADING THIS AS A MAGIC ORB, SMURFS, THE "FIRST ONE IS FREE" AND "ITLL MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT" ARGUMENT IS PRETTY TELLING
wall-eyed allura's instructions on activating the orb are to hold it between your hands
i would have just said 'hold it' but maybe allura has very specific ball fondling fetish. it's possible.
poet debates. SHOULD HE TRY THE MAGICAL ENERGIZING INSPIRING MOOD CHANGING FREE GOODFEELING ORB FROM A STRANGER?
fucking of course he should grab that shit son
SHOULD I BE FEELING IT YET
WHEN WILL I BE FEELING IT
captured here: a painting error. i guess they weren't sure whose hands were putting it back, though smurfs have pretty distinct hands. four fingers, very clear palmlines. sorta boxy except at the fingertips.
anyway so poet starts tweaking out and talking really fast. he adlibs a few poem lines too.
"oh how i love the sounds of spring, when birdies croak and froggies sing!"
FEELIN GOOD MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
i guess i should add that this blush effect? does not last long. neither does the half-lidded eyes. i guess they realized it'd just clutter smurf faces when they had to animate them.
poet then just rolls around laughing hysterically for a while and writes some more lines
THE SOUND OF BEAVERS CHEW CHEW CHEWING
AND FLYING OWLS GO AHOOTAHOOTAHOOTA EHEHEHEHE
MAN THANKS CAN I BORROW THIS? I AM TOTEZ GONNA FINISH THIS POEM BY TOMORROW NOW
honestly i don't know why he's so concerned about his poem. it's not like there's any other smurfs who write poetry to compete with. he could just phone this one in if he's really not feeling inspired. write a haiku or something, shit.
JUST AS PLAAAAAAAAAAAANNED >:U
back at the smurf village, everyone's having dinner and just generally complaining that they're sore and tired from working so hard prepping for the spring pagent. except hefty who is totally not tired. but hefty smurf is like the popeye of smurfs so he doesn't even count.
the look of two smurfs who have just discovered smurf droppings on the ground and neither of whom will own up to it as their own
poet skipped dinner, though, and has been writing the whole time.
honestly i don't think this is really a fair indicator of substance -excuse me- magic orb abuse. sometimes when you're inclined towards creative things you just get the inspiration and have to use it NOW.
i mean shit i've had times i get up from bed and grab the sketchbook to script or thumbnail a comic. or seven. teen.
HEY POET WE KNOW YOU'RE WORKING REALLY HARD AND TOLD EVERYONE TO LEAVE YOU ALONE EARLIER BECAUSE THE DISTRACTIONS WERE DRIVING YOU NUTS AND YOUR DEADLINE IS TOMORROW BUT THE WHOOOOOOOLE VILLAGE IS HERE TO SAY COME TO DINNER
poet does not need food
poet has silky, radiant balls to caress instead.
poet and tygra could have some conversations, i bet.
the smurfs are awestruck by poet's balls.
my scripting OCD niggles me at this point because allura instructed poet that to make the orb work he had to hold it BETWEEN his hands
but here he's just holding it up
i just
i can't
if you didn't mean between
don't script between aaaaaugh
only smurfette is weirded out by this ball touching fetish they've all stumbled upon
it's okay smurfette you may never fully understand
it's a love affair that lasts a lifetime
and then when i'm done i just put it in this box see
by the way did you all know you've turned into one-legged green herons
smurfette who has spontaniously spawned a nostril cautions poet against using magic he doesn't know anything about.
that's probably a good caution in a magic using world. you may think this spell dyes your hair red but REALLY! IT'S TURNING YOUR INSIDES INTO LEMON CUSTARD!!!
I HATE THAT THING screams this smurf
who i will just call Hatey because i can't remember his name
his entire character was to just scream that he hated whatever was going on.
WELL FUCK YOU GUYS I'M STILL WRITING MY POEM
I DECIDED TO TURN IT INTO AN EPIC CONQUEST WHERE THE HOOTAHOOTAING OWL GOES TO SLAY THE SINGING FROGGY BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT THE CROAKING BIRD IS THE FROGGY'S MOTHER AND IS LIKE TEN TIMES WORSE THAN THE FROGGY
also if any of you guys want to try a hit feel free
the musician smurf is the first one to give it a shot
of course.
WOW HE'S REALLY STROKING POET'S BALL :O AND IT REALLY SEEMS TO ENERGIZE HIM
so the other smurfs hogpile him.
i think we have here carpenter smurf, painter smurf and...i think that's farmer smurf.
aaaaaaaaaaaaah they all say
I HATE AAAAAAAAAH shouts hatey
i guess tailor is drifting off here, seems to be rubbing his eyes.
MEANWHILE AT SOME LATER UNDISCLOSED POINT IN TIME?
greedy smurf and papa smurf are coming back from the fields with crap to make pies. it always confused me as a child why you'd put greedy smurf in charge of the kitchen. if he's greedy he's probably not going to be making the best food for everyone else, just saving it for himself. just it doesn't seem very...flattering of a name? was chef smurf not available?
hey did you guys see a blue blurr just now or was it just me
OH GOD PAPA SMURF
YOUR EYES
THEYVE FALLEN CLEAN OUT OF YOUR HEAD
NYYYYYYYYOOOOOOM
so farmer is tweaking out hoeing the shit out of his fields at sonic speed, what are the other high-as-fuck smurfs doing?
uhoh
this is a familiar internet story
thanks for helping me find my eyeballs back there greedy
i can't believe farmer actually planted them
though i guess to be fair they do sort of resemble a black-eyed pea.
i think i might soapbox for a minute here excuse me
like i said before at the start i have no real issue either way with drugs. either people use them or they don't, whatever. that goes the same for artists, though i feel it's a really unfair stigma (that the smurfs are perpetuating in this episode) that 'artsy' types are prone to drug use. but i know plenty of really skilled artists who use (not hard) drugs. i don't believe they add anything to the artwork, and i don't believe they detract anything really either.
the problem arises not when an artist does drugs but when an artist begins to depend on drugs to do the art for them. when they sort of abandon the sense of self censorship or any knowledge they may have acquired and just fuck around. i watched this happen to one person and it was really just disappointing. stuff that previously had a nice sense of colour theory just became a hideous smear of poorly matched colours with too much dodge/burn affect applied. It. Sucked.
it's a bit like stephen king i guess. OBVIOUSLY IM NO FAN OF KING but people say again and again that he wasn't the real writer - the real writer was cocaine/alcohol. well shit, no wonder his books suck. if you have no creativity left in your soul and HAVE to depend on outside influences to create anything you need to stop. not just stop the outside influences but stop trying to create, because obviously you are a dried up husk with nothing left. maybe the inspiration will come back. maybe it won't. but abandoning the Self to a let chemicals alone be the driving force behind a creation is Bad Business Practice. end of story.
okay sorry back to the smurfs now.
PAINTER IT'S BEAUTIFUL
YOU'VE BROKEN OUT OF STAUNCH REALISM AND INTO ABSTRACT ART
THE SMURF SOCIETY HAS NEVER HAD ANYTHING BUT THE REALIST ART MOVEMENT BEFORE
PAINTER
PAINTER YOU'VE SINGLEHANDEDLY ADVANCED SOCIETY IN A SINGLE DAY
seriously am i the only one who likes this better than the original he had sketched earlier
i like that even papa smurf seems to kind of like it.
GREEDY CANT BE EXPECTED TO UNDERSTAND
YOULL GET IT SOMEDAY GREEDY, BUT FOR NOW JUST SHUT UP AND ACCEPT THAT SOME ART MAY NOT BE TO YOUR TASTE
your fatty taste
painter why did you paint this
BECAUSE THAT IS THE WAY I FEEEEEEEL
yes perfect
and then painter rockets diagonally through smurf village, straight into a beehive. it was beautiful.
WHY ARE THESE LAST FIFTEEN PAGES ALL ABOUT HOW GREAT THE ORB IS
WHAT WAS I THINKING I CAN'T READ THIS OUT LOUD TO THE OTHER SMURFS
maybe if i replace the word orb with dandilion no one will notice
after a while the other tweaked out smurfs start filing in all tired mumbling how they need to touch the orb again.
ROBOT SMURF ACTIVATE
ROBOT SMURF SAYS ALL IS SMURFY
ALL IS SMURFY
ALL IS SMURFY
ROBOT SMURF WILL NOW DANCE
LA. LA. LA LA. LA LA.
papa smurf contemplates the orb's possible danger to the other smurfs
everyone else just stares in horror because he's clearly beefed one in the process
GIVE ME THIS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT AND IT'S BAD AND DEPENDANCE AND THINGS AND MORALITY
the other smurfs say how they're not feeling so great and don't know if they can deal with living without the orb etc.
also that they're tired.
at this point if i were papa smurf i'd probably postpone this stupid spring pagent, since there's clearly a bigger issue at hand and some of the major staff are having problems. i mean if your stage builder, artist, musician, poet and farmer are all out of commission and you were depending on them to have 1- fields taken care of and 2- entertainment before the pagent wouldn't you just
get other people to plant the field
push the pagent date back
and tell these guys to get some rest?
YOU WILL ALL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THIS ORB
COLD TURKEY
this is why a doctor smurf or a psychologist smurf would have been a good addition to smurf village. papa smurf can not fill both these roles at once with much efficency.
ALL THE TWEAKAS IN THE HOUSE SAY YEYAAA
god damnit poet stop doing lines off the back of your hand
for the longest time i sat staring at this screenshot going DID THEY THROW IN ANOTHER RANDOM NODESCRIPT SMURF TO ROUND OUT THE NUMBERS WHO IS THAT GUY ON THE LEFT
i realized it's the musician smurf
jesus fucking christ it's hard to tell smurfs apart when they don't have props.
if i say all smurfs look the fucking same to me is that smurf racism
poet suggests papa smurf does not have to take the orb because he can use it for a nightlight. whaaa
MOM DONT TAKE THOSE JOINTS ILL ONLY USE THEM TO UH
LIGHT CANDLES WITH YEAH THERE YOU GO
anyway obviously papa smurf doesn't fall for it, and takes the orb back to his house.
i guess smurfs don't really feel the need to have locked chests or anything to hide stuff in cause he just leaves it on his nightstand across the room from his bed.
where carpenter smurf sneaks in and performs the ol' switcharoo
i'd like to know how the other smurfs decided carpenter was the one to go steal the orb back from their patriarcial overlord. did they guilt him into it? CARPENTER YOU SAID YOU'D PUT NEW SHUTTERS ON MY HOUSE LAST. YEAR. YOURE THE ONE GETTING THE ORB YOU *OWE ME*
OKAY GUYS I GOT IT
NOW WE'RE ONLY GONNA TOUCH IT A LITTLE, RIGHT? JUST
JUST ENOUGH TO GET OUR WORK DONE BEFORE THE PAGENT
the day your drug use causes you to make a concerned face is really the day you need to be seeking help, i don't even know what to say about the situation besides that.
OH NO SOMEONE
IS
SPYING
oh it's you.
i guess this really was allura's plan. find some random social animal in the forest, addict one to the orb and then go back home and watch to see if they'll addict others. oh cartoon drug dealers, you so wacky.
meanwhile jokey and smurfette have been picking nonspecific flowers.
did i mention i like jokey
i like jokey
the first thing jokey suggests to smurfette is that she let him make the flowers into an explosive device.
WEEOO WEEEEEOO GANGWAAAAAAAAAAAAY
farmer's newest seed planting method is to just ride around throwing them randomly from the top of a dog.
...my god that sounds like fun.
the purpledaisy massacre claimed thousands of lives that day.
to add insult to injury, farmer flings a smurf turd straight into jokey's head.
>:u
well okay so farmer smurf can't use drugs responsibly, i'm sure SOMEONE can.
musician smurf seems to be conducting still, let's check him out.
ANGRY ANGRY PLAY FASTER MUCH FASTER AAAAA
okay i guess not
aw no i liked your cubist abstract art better painter
this is just too abstract and there's too much brown, it's too earthy and natural to throw pink and purple on like this c'mon man what are you thinking
pick the smurf on drugs
hint: it's not the one who looks like he's on drugs
what are you DOING man?! we were all sort of warming to your break away from staunch realism but this isn't even visually ANYTHING! you've completely abandoned any semblance of what Smurf means or feels like or stands for and are just throwing random paint splotches onto the canvas! this won't be a valid art movement for at least another thirty years, and then only when you package it alongside a pretentious attitude of "if you don't get it you're a fool." it's like the emperor's new clothes of art movements!
YOU JUST DON'T *GET* ME
uh oh. he missed a spot.
i almost typed splot. hehe. splot.
BRUSHES ARE TOO MAINSTREAM
PERFECTION.
AT LEAST FOR THE FEW SECONDS THAT SPATTER WAS STILL SPATTERING. ONCE IT'S ON THE CANVAS AND DRYING IT'S ALL WRONG. IF ONLY I COULD USE SOME SORT OF *ART FORM* TO CAPTURE THE SPATTER'S THREE DIMENSIONAL CHAOS...
I KNOW
I'LL PAINT THE INSIDE OF MY EYELIDS
tailor storms away muttering "ARTISTS. THEY'RE WORSE THAN WRITERS."
every artist/writer in the audience simoltaniously flips their coffee table over in frustration.
wow carpenter smurf
lookin uh
well the stage is lookin', i guess.
hefty asks the very reasonable question of 'if you nail the curtain down, how are we going to open it?'
i'd also be asking about 'if the stage is an entirely uneven mess of boards and nails, how are we going to do anything on it without breaking our ankles?'
OH GOD AAAAAA WHY DID YOU USE WOOD FROM MY TERMITE COLLECTION
oh here's the problem, the stage has absolutely no supporting structures underneith.
as someone who has built some stages in my time trust me when i say it is really hard not to go on a lengthy rant about construction here but suffice to say that you support the SHIT out of the underside of stages because actors/dancers/bands put a LOT of weight and stress on them. also you use a lot of plywood to make the top, not so much 2x4s.
DONT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT CRUNCH WEEK IS
DON'T YOU INTERNS UNDERSTAND THIS IT MEANS MY LIFE IS HELL
FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY STAGE DO NOT GIVE ME NOTES ABOUT FIXING IT IT WILL BE DONE IN TIME FOR THE SHOW NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
this is a normal reaction to theatre work, honestly. no drugs are needed to ellicit it. in fact, usage of drugs applied liberally might stave off violent outbursts by your technicians for a few extra hours/days. food for thought.
also a common site in theatre work: workers just socking out from pure exhaustion and sleeping around the set/scene shop.
MAN MAN PSST
MAN YOU HOME OPEN UP
*knocks shave and a haircut*
I NEED A FIX MAN I JUST REALIZED I THREW A TURD AT JOKEY AND SMURFETTE
you been followed?
no man no i'm good man
spoilers: he was followed by hefty
i have my stash hidden very cleverly you guys
nobody will ever suspect this enormous lump under my tablecloth is anything i'm trying to hide
WHO WANTS TO TOUCH
SOME
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZ
hefty SWOOPS IN and grabs the orb before anyone else can!
and doesn't get high...? maybe you have to hold it for a while, i dunno.
which hefty certainly doesn't cause he'd rather chuck it in the fireplace where it ...explodes?
why didn't papa smurf throw it in fire to begin with?
HE THREW THE ORB IN THE FIREPLACE
GET HIM
I'LL POP YA ONE IN THE KISSER, BRING IT ON
i like how farmer in the background looks like he's just not even interested or involved.
"screw you guys, this is stupid, i'm going back to the field."
WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS TOOK MY FABERGE EGG
HE DID IT
for the last time my faberge egg is not a toy
NOT. A TOY. that was meant to be an investment for the entire smurf village so I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELVES.
just kidding. papa smurf really just told them to get back to work, and that they'd all be better off without the
which prompted poet to lead them all out into the woods, looking for allura so they can get another one. farmer smurf does pipe up that maaaaaaaybe they shouldn't be doing this.
why would a smurf be attracted to a humanoid? they aren't even attracted to smurfette!
wait, i think i just answered my own question.
so allura we don't have any money or anything but we need more orbs. can you hook us up?
this is your smurf
this is your smurf on orbs
HORRAY SHE AGREED TO GIVE US FREE DRUGS
spoilers? if you are for some reason talking to a dealer and they tell you they are perfectly willing to give you free drugs you just have to come back to their house teehee you might want to...be cautious? cause that does not in any way sound safe. the only situation i can see that being real in would be one where they then kidnap you and sell you into human slavery.
don't you give me that look i can use the quantifier human before slavery if i want
allura you didn't tell us you lived at the north pole
farmer smurf is not sure if he is okay with this. I DONT THINK I WOULD BE EITHER especially since she never said anything about climbing any precarious snow-capped mountain
HERE'S MY HOUSE
ORB'S RIGHT INSIDE
gee allura this place looks kind of evil
EVIL? NO NO, NO. NOOOOO I'M JUST. DOING SOME REMODELING.
farmer backs out and heads back to the smurf village
why is the smurf who was hurling feces around earlier the only one who seems to realize this is Bad News Bears?
SEE YOU LATER.
CHICKEN.
chicken fink.
go right on in and touch all the balls you want. i can't bring them out to you because uhm. i hurt my back earlier. yeah that's the ticket.
since smurfs are really about the size of a mouse, this makes the orb about the size of...an apple i guess? wouldn't a human notice this mouse-sized castle in the mountains somewhere and just smash into it to take anything good? i think too hard about smurfs.
everyone, touch the glowing wheel of cheese. ooooo
aaaaah
NO NO YOU GUYS CAN TOUCH IT ALL YOU WANT I TOUCHED IT EARLIER I'M GOOD.
REALLY >:]
oh my god what is the orb a depressant or a stimulant
before it made poet blush and get all tweaky. in fact 'all tweaky' describes the majority of its effects aside from seemingly random red-eye. now they've got half-lidded sleepy eyes and blissful grins WHAT IS THE ACTUAL EFFECT OF THE ORB ON THE SMURF NERVOUS SYSTEM OH MY GOD I CANT I DONT IAIJLFSD:A:KFDSF
man thanks allura that was great
i don't know why we all leapt off the back of the pedastal and are walking around the front of it like this instead of walking down the steps but i guess the orb just made us hate stairs or something
ANYWAY BYE
I'M SURE WE'LL FIND OUR WAY HOME HAHA
BABYFACE NELSON ON THE CASE
the smurfs get about ten feet outside of allura's castle before they realize the orb's high is wearing off. wow, it's the cool-whip whippit of magical highs. you know what you say when you realize it's not worth the effort for the chemical rush? you say, "oh well fuck it, i'm going home."
NO YOU IDIOTS NOT BACK INSIDE
HAHA SUCKERS IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH THE ORB AGAIN YOULL HAVE TO PLAY BY MY RUUULES
painter and poet just oh wow you guys i can. i can see into forever, it's like looking into the UNIVERSE.
NOW. KISS ME!
OH GOD YOU'RE UGLY SUDDENLY WE DON'T LIKE THIS SITUATION ANYMORE
god damnit lizard birds, stay out of the witch's wine cellar. you always do this.
the witch with her comically large index finger tells the smurfs that they can still touch the orb all they want, but now they'll have to clean her castle if they want to do so.
i. well uhm. okay. that really doesn't sound very evil. she wanted some servants who she could pay in magical highs? she doesn't really specify any other horrible terms besides 'work' though. it's not like 'work without rest' or 'work and no food' or 'work or i will feed you to my dragonbird' just 'work.'
maybe the witch is just lonely, wanted someone to get high with?
back at the smurf village, lack of carpenter smurf has just caused hefty to build the entire stage HIMSELF.
which begs the question of why wasn't he actually helping carpenter smurf build it in the first place?
farmer's finally made his way back and lets the other smurfs know about castle etc orb etc allura etc.
hefty says he'll handle this, and makes farmer lead him back to the castle.
meanwhile, at the castle...
no you idiots you need to work TOGETHER or you'll just keep pushing the mess into eachothers' areas arg. look no see form a line starting at the back wall and all clean forward at the same time THIS ISNT ROCKET SCIENCE
poet poet
wake up, you're micronapping again. if you keep doing this, freddy's gonna get you.
the witch seems please with their progress but also mocks them in saying they'll never have the willpower to stop using the orb so they'll never be strong enough to just UP AND LEAVE.
man smurfs must really be some weak-moraled pussies because so far she seems to be right
farmer and hefty arrive just in time to see the northern lights
farmer is instructed to stay outside of the castle, because hefty doesn't trust him around any orb. wow, harsh.
ROBOT SMURF TO THE RESCUE BEEP BEEP
WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL CLEANING THE SAME SPOT
WHY ARE YOU CLEANING AROUND THE ORB
JUST GO INTO ANOTHER ROOM I CAN'T
carpenter smurf just gives up and is like WELL ITS HOPELESS THE WITCH IS RIGHT GUESS WE SHOULD JUST TOUCH THE ORB SOME MORE
man you guys are dumb
ROBOT SMURF...HERE?? BUT HOW???
okay i didn't cap it, but hefty basicly just grabs the other smurfs by the hand and drags them out being like LETS JUST GO.
so the moral of the story is if you're stuck in a cycle of drug abuse you have no power whatsoever to break it yourself at any point and should just continue to succumb to your temptations until someone else comes and bails you out. BRILLIANT!
STAY HERE. I'M GOING BACK FOR POET, WHO FOR SOME STUPID REASON DECIDED HE STILL WANTED TO TOUCH THE ORB AND WENT RUNNING BACK INSIDE.
HAWHORWAR HOOOHAHOWAORRRR DURPDURP HWAOWOWRRRRRRR FLOOOORP
no hefty don't run from the goblins at knott's scary farm
they just start chasing you if you do that don't you know anything
STOP TAKING M SMURRRRRRFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSS
oh my god she's throttling my friend to death
but the orb is...right there. maybe just a little touch.
are you seriously trying to punch me? because your arms are like half the length of my fore-arm, what the fuck.
hmm i could throw one of these objects at her...nah
i guess the threat of his friend actually being physically harmed (as opposed to psychologically and emotionally, as FOUR of his friends were ENSLAVED BESIDE HIM?) galvanizes poet into action, and he jostles the orb loose from its stand.
me i'd just grab the bottom of the stand and flip it over but sure whatever.
HEY
HEY YOU PUT THAT MOP DOWN
THAT ORB IS EXPENSIVE
what orb this orb?
OOOOOOOOOOops
so the witch chases after it which...kinda puzzles me. i'll explain more about why in a little bit though.
OH NO OH NO DON'T BREAK DON'T BREAK I HATE CLEANING UP GLASS SHARDS DON'T DON'T
DON'T
fuck
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo my magical orb which i can create more of at will how could this happen
i can't believe you wanted to go back just to touch that stupid thing
god poet so stupid
so stupid poet
but hefty i had a cathardic revelation and saved you, symbolicly destroying the thing that tempted me
so stupid, poet.
AND YOU KIDS STAY OUT
...but is it art?
IT'S. SO. BEAUTIFUL.
poet just staring at him
farmer all 'wh...what, it really spoke to something in me, sorry.'
poet reads one of his many pages of insane poetry which has finally broken out of staunch rhyming couplets full of tired played out imagery. "i love to hear the buzzing fly?! I CANT BELIEVE I WROTE THIS."
thanks for building the stage for me, hefty. otherwise i might feel awkward during this meet-up where we all shame everyone about the things they did in their drug induced stupor.
anyway, poet is so shamed by his goofy ballad that he goes back to the woods to real quick crap out a better one before the pagent WHICH IS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN, BY THE WAY. this one apparently goes something like "i will na'er depend on magic to see my job through"
yep that's a moral you can take home with you kids. especially in a show with so much fucking magic. don't depend on magic. yep. YEP.
boy i sure am glad i had that traumatizing period of drug addiction
it really did give me a lot of experience i can draw upon for writing, now! i'm like the smurf phillip k. dick!
oh what the why are you back
better question, why are you back in disguise when we already know you're a lumpy brown witch thing
hey poet i brought you a little somethingsomething to get you through that last line of your poeeeeeeem
TADAAAAA another orb! and you can have infinate more orbs whenever you want them! i don't know why you'd trust me after what happened, nor do i know why i was so upset that you broke the big orb since i can clearly just conjure these things whenever i fucking feel like it!
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa what did my poem say again daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
OH POEEEEEET ARE YOU OUT HERE SOMEWHERE
HEFTY SAID YOU CANT BE ALONE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MORAL FIBERRRRRRRR
oh good now i don't have to make a choice, i have friends who can tell me what to think and feel instead
allura stop following me
ALLURA STOP FOLLOWING ME
three hours later in the smurf village everyone all "who is that lady? why's she keep asking you to touch her balls?"
"that's allura, used to be my supplier. total drama queen. just wants you to help clean her house, just ignore her."
guys check it out i learned how to blink
wow stupidsmurf that's really good for you why do we let him outside again
TTTTTTOUUCCCCHHHHH MMMMYYYY OOOORRRRRBBBBBBB
just vibrating wildly behind them
HEY LADY NO THANKS BUT
WANT MY SURPRISE ;D
oh how nice what could possibly be inside i'm sure none of you blue things got the word out that i am trouble with a capital T
her hands got blown clean off
hilarious
this is why i love jokey smurf
just EXPLOSIONS WOOOOO
WHY WOULD YOU
WHO DOES THAT
WHO CAREFULLY WRAPS A BOMB TO EXPLODE THE MINUTE YOU PULL THE RIBBON
AND WHY WAS IT A BLEACH BOMB WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU
hey allura
fuck you
the end
so as usual the moral of this propaganda was 'you can never have the willpower to stop any substance abuse on your own, it's best to just surrender completely to your addiction until a friend comes and bails you out. cause that will totally happen every time and addiction by its very nature doesn't push other people out of your life.'
though i guess to be fair, at least this particular propaganda didn't go on one of your classic "YOU BECAME DEPENDANT. ON SOME SORT OF DRUG." tiarade. though lampshading it as 'magic' really doesn't help, because like i said before there is so much magic in the smurf universe that it's like well why should this magic be Bad vs other magic being Good?
who knows. MYSTERIES. hope you enjoyed.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-06-06 06:58 pm (UTC)Why did the 80's and 90's pick on the artistic types so much? They could have just as easily had any bulked-up athlete type being the drug user, and it may have even been more realistic and interesting.