ooo downer season rip
Nov. 2nd, 2021 02:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
not_funhey yall, i hope you had a happy halloween?
first off, inhuman update as per usual. i really meant to get more comics done in the month of october, but things conspired against me :T
i am still working on the repaired wall in my house, cuz at the moment it appears that the brick chimney itself is leaky and needs to be repointed, and i'm really not sure if i can handle that task myself because i have such minimal masonry experience. after a week straight of rain a small leak appeared in the leaky window again, so i have more sealant and am going to try to stop it. again.
and then there is the roof, which i havent' even really started on yet to be honest.
somewhere in all this work, my mom and sister (and stepfather and brother in law) came to visit, which was nice but again eats a lot of time. i can't both be cleaning/preparing for guests and also renovating a wall. and i cant do either while drawing. so...
then......... there was the medical scare. since im still not 5 years out from my treatment, i am not actually in 'remission' i dont think so much as 'under close scrutiny.' this month said scrutiny took the form of being extra cautious about my remaining abdominal organs (so i had an MRI) and also not being sure if the lumpy bumps along my scar tissue are cancer reforming or not (so i had an ultrasound). fortunately both these scans came back clean. both had a risk of coming back with more cancer. so that was a relief. but again... huge time sink. and huge brain sink.
basically the medication i'm on for the next decade (yeah, the same one that causes hand and foot pain and fatigue- tamoxifen) comes with a SUBSTANTIAL risk of uterine cancer development. i'm planning on having that removed, but an abdominal surgery effectively benches you from any kind of lifting (even a jug of milk is a No) for like, two months. so i want to delay until spring when i wont have to theoretically shovel snow. but if something's wrong, i don't get a choice...and for a brief moment there it looked like something might be wrong. false alarm tho. getting tired of these constant scares though. they are zero percent halloweeny.
sooo here we are in november i guess. i want to say i'll do better and work harder this month on art, but i'm also VERY aware that once halloween ends it marks just like 3 months of fucking CHORES. the holidays? are a CHORE. everything about them. and its only been worse since ending treatment bc everyone wants me to travel everywhere. i got a brief reprieve in 2020 with the pandemic but that seems no longer to be something folks are considering when asking me to do things for them. i dunno. i absolutely hate winter, do not enjoy the winter holidays, and truthfully wish i could just be left alone by the human race to hibernate until march.
barring that... if people could reliquate their requests from me to asking if i can join them in a ffxiv dungeon, thatd be good.
but... i did get to sit out and give out candy, and didn't feel dead on my feet afterwards. which is a tangible, noticable improvement from 2019's trick or treat. so i'm recovering. still. but halloween is one of my favourite things. its one of those things Worth Living For to me. so i'm glad i got to do it. i just wish the spirit of giving that starts halloween eve ...actually stuck around for any of the subsequent months. cuz in my experience its nothing but demand demand demand and i'm supposed to just smile and not care bc i'm supposed to be glad to be alive (and responsible for all this stressful shit). if anything it kinda throws 'glad to be alive' into reverse. i hesitate to call it seasonal depression, because depression i'm used to coming and going without any rhyme or reason. and this is very, very clearly triggered by overwhelming family pressure to perform and travel.
maybe i should just send a cardboard cutout in my stead. they can insult it and deadname it all they want and it won't talk back, which would be perfect. yall wanna know how many times ive politely asked my stepfather to take my deadname out of his email address book? you think he's bothered? yeah, no.
anyway... overworked, underappreciated, still struggling to keep physically functional and make art at the same time... business as usual...
i'd plug my patreon or kofi here, but i'm honestly at a point where i dont think anyone new will bother. certainly family doesnt. and because i'm not able to magically bounce back 100% from cancer, i can't produce content at speed enough for most people who dont know me well.
maybe if i fake my own death i can be left alone til spring... then i'd have time to actually do shit...hm...
first off, inhuman update as per usual. i really meant to get more comics done in the month of october, but things conspired against me :T
i am still working on the repaired wall in my house, cuz at the moment it appears that the brick chimney itself is leaky and needs to be repointed, and i'm really not sure if i can handle that task myself because i have such minimal masonry experience. after a week straight of rain a small leak appeared in the leaky window again, so i have more sealant and am going to try to stop it. again.
and then there is the roof, which i havent' even really started on yet to be honest.
somewhere in all this work, my mom and sister (and stepfather and brother in law) came to visit, which was nice but again eats a lot of time. i can't both be cleaning/preparing for guests and also renovating a wall. and i cant do either while drawing. so...
then......... there was the medical scare. since im still not 5 years out from my treatment, i am not actually in 'remission' i dont think so much as 'under close scrutiny.' this month said scrutiny took the form of being extra cautious about my remaining abdominal organs (so i had an MRI) and also not being sure if the lumpy bumps along my scar tissue are cancer reforming or not (so i had an ultrasound). fortunately both these scans came back clean. both had a risk of coming back with more cancer. so that was a relief. but again... huge time sink. and huge brain sink.
basically the medication i'm on for the next decade (yeah, the same one that causes hand and foot pain and fatigue- tamoxifen) comes with a SUBSTANTIAL risk of uterine cancer development. i'm planning on having that removed, but an abdominal surgery effectively benches you from any kind of lifting (even a jug of milk is a No) for like, two months. so i want to delay until spring when i wont have to theoretically shovel snow. but if something's wrong, i don't get a choice...and for a brief moment there it looked like something might be wrong. false alarm tho. getting tired of these constant scares though. they are zero percent halloweeny.
sooo here we are in november i guess. i want to say i'll do better and work harder this month on art, but i'm also VERY aware that once halloween ends it marks just like 3 months of fucking CHORES. the holidays? are a CHORE. everything about them. and its only been worse since ending treatment bc everyone wants me to travel everywhere. i got a brief reprieve in 2020 with the pandemic but that seems no longer to be something folks are considering when asking me to do things for them. i dunno. i absolutely hate winter, do not enjoy the winter holidays, and truthfully wish i could just be left alone by the human race to hibernate until march.
barring that... if people could reliquate their requests from me to asking if i can join them in a ffxiv dungeon, thatd be good.
but... i did get to sit out and give out candy, and didn't feel dead on my feet afterwards. which is a tangible, noticable improvement from 2019's trick or treat. so i'm recovering. still. but halloween is one of my favourite things. its one of those things Worth Living For to me. so i'm glad i got to do it. i just wish the spirit of giving that starts halloween eve ...actually stuck around for any of the subsequent months. cuz in my experience its nothing but demand demand demand and i'm supposed to just smile and not care bc i'm supposed to be glad to be alive (and responsible for all this stressful shit). if anything it kinda throws 'glad to be alive' into reverse. i hesitate to call it seasonal depression, because depression i'm used to coming and going without any rhyme or reason. and this is very, very clearly triggered by overwhelming family pressure to perform and travel.
maybe i should just send a cardboard cutout in my stead. they can insult it and deadname it all they want and it won't talk back, which would be perfect. yall wanna know how many times ive politely asked my stepfather to take my deadname out of his email address book? you think he's bothered? yeah, no.
anyway... overworked, underappreciated, still struggling to keep physically functional and make art at the same time... business as usual...
i'd plug my patreon or kofi here, but i'm honestly at a point where i dont think anyone new will bother. certainly family doesnt. and because i'm not able to magically bounce back 100% from cancer, i can't produce content at speed enough for most people who dont know me well.
maybe if i fake my own death i can be left alone til spring... then i'd have time to actually do shit...hm...
